I’m Not Making This Up, You Know

LOLsuit VIII: Avoiding Contact

Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

UPDATE—And, yes, the Cabin Boy™ has filed for in forma pauperis status. However, IFP filings are automatically sealed in the District of South Carolina, but may be unsealed after review.

320 thoughts on “I’m Not Making This Up, You Know

  1. Oh, look! A defendant who isn’t named in the caption. Just like the Lulzsuit VII.

    Don’t drink and litigate, folks. That’s how you become a lulcow in the first place.

    I still can’t believe his misspelled his own name in three different lulzsuits.

      • That’s what I thought – where in the hell do you get $75,000 as an “amount of controversy” in this mess?

        Dakota Pipelines just had their suit against the protest leaders in S. D. thrown out of Fed Court today on account of they couldn’t establish a $75,000 claim against the named individuals. And that was one where I would think it would be kind of easy to establish a couple million dollars worth of damages.

        • Well, you start by totaling the number of tires he’s had to replace because they were “slashed”…

        • If the “amount of controversy” is over $75k it’s a federal case. Therefore Bill says the amount is over $75k. Sure, it won’t hold up in court, but he’s never gotten far enough for that to be an issue.

      • After years of public mockery for the first two times he did it?

        Yeah, I guess I can believe it. My bad.

        • Best part of all? He misspells his own name in the same sentence that he describes himself as “a former GS-13 writer-editor!

          Anywhere other than the government, that kind of thing would go a long way in explaining the “former” part.

  2. John, for the love of God, could you please post a warning for everyone to STRETCH THOSE LULZ MUSCLES before reading?

    TOLF is already down!

  3. Reposted:
    OH, this is hilarious. BS has filed another LOLSuit, as we predicted. I’m sure others have things to say, but I will point out that Patrick Grady’s comment about being “a high-functioning sociopath,” not a “functioning sociopath,” as edited by BS, is a line spoken by Benedict Cumberbatch in PBS’s “Sherlock Holmes.” If one doesn’t spend all one’s time making others miserable, one might enjoy a PBS program or two.

  4. Wait, isn’t this basically lawsuits 1-7? Again? The ones that got kicked to the curb or he dismissed with prejudice?

  5. He does realize that he’s made admissions on his blog and/or in court documents that directly contradict what he’s saying in here, right? Bueller? Bueller?

    • Of course he doesn’t. He’s too stupid. Too stupid to know he HAS NO CASE WHATSOEVER. Too stupid to understand personal jurisdiction. Too stupid to realize he has made a better case for defamation of the defendants (litigation privilege doesn’t apply when you say the same stupid shit on the internet) of the defendants than himself. Too stupid to know what is and is not a fucking tort! And especially, as always, too stupid to write a complaint that will survive a motion to dismiss. Oh Blobbert, you hilarious dipshit. Your SS benefits alone are above the median income of a family of four! You’re not a fucking pauper, you’re just an impulsive dimwit who wastes money on stupid shit.

    • Pffft! A mere bagatelle to Oliver Wendell Jones! He’ll explain that away with an air wave of his enormous, bloated hand! Because Butthurt! Parkinson’s! Soulmate v. 4!

      Or something.

      Phone, train.

      • Yep. And he actually says that Sarah Palmer got restraining orders for herself *and her grandson* as if that is nothing, or something to chuckle over.

        Really, really dumb.

        Phone, train.

        • “All these judges, who are clearly idiots, keep granting restraining orders against me…’

          Yeah. That’s gonna work.

    • Yes, and Senate blue slip practice means even Obama district judge appointments wouldn’t be too friendly too pauper Billy. Shouldn’t a 62 year old man admitting he is a pauper quit with his bravado and acting like he’s lived some accomplished life. This will likely hit the desk of a female judge I would predict who won’t look too kindly at his res judicata issues and the things Bill has said (already in this filing and in the past) about Sarah.

      Accomplished and successful men at the age of 62 aren’t paupers.

      • Let’s see, it’s clearly retaliatory as to John, he’s clearly engaging in forum shopping as a course of conduct, and most, if not all, of the allegations have been previously dismissed in other jurisdictions. With prejudice, if I’m not mistaken. His descriptions of the defendants in the opening paragraphs only help with a vexatious litigant declaration.

        Lulcow had better hope that this merely kicked to the curb. Or that counter-suits aren’t filed.

        • Yeah, and a pauper who has moved three times in less than two years and bought a car (liquidating it just before filing) is going to be easy to explain, I’m sure.

          I would consider record preservation requests to his Iowa and Wisconsin landlords, and all the financial records of Soulmate 4,.0 for the purposes of challenging IFP.

          There are other avenues of investigation, but I’m keeping those a secret.

          • The lulcow’s bank records should be subject to a subpoena, too.

          • I love the fact that he can’t [because he’s stupid and impulsive like a dull-witted toddler] resist f5’ing the everloving fuck out of TMZ and Billy Sez means he hasn’t consented to read every damn pixel posted there.

      • “I’m a retired GS-13! Also, I’m a brokedick, so please salve my butthurt for free.”

        Sounds legit.

  6. IANAL…but I thought the defendant(s) chose Jury Trial or Bench Trial. Perhaps I’m not familiar with your Federal Laws.

    • A jury is allowed in all federal trials where the amount in controversy is $20 or more. (Seventh Amendment, the amount was set in the late 18th century when a dollar was still worth 50 cents) However, a jury isn’t required if both sides want a bench trial.

      • Jury trial… he knows that a judge wouldn’t find for him, but he thinks a group of random people would be sympathetic?

        • Maybe he’s hoping if enough of them need a meth dealer, they’ll look at his face and think they’ll get a discount if they let him win this…

    • Just think about this for a minute, bill has asked for a jury trial in SC where he will have to play his kiddie pron. What do you think a jury with a bunch of little old SC Church going ladies are gonna do?

    • Oh, they don’t want a jury trial (BS and inflatable partner); they aren’t sympathetic at all. Have you seen their timeline?

  7. Count 3 most definitely runs afoul of the First Amendment (that it’s on the books means it either hasn’t been directly challenged or CB is getting “deliver to” wrong. Honestly either of those is likely, there are lots of 1A violating laws still on the books that need a good knocking. But the latter is probably the more likely.)

    Count V ignores everyone’s favorite precedent: Brandenburg. But hey, other than that, total gold!

  8. So the idea here is to move to a new jurisdiction and file essentially the same lawsuit again? Could he not locate the courthouse in Iow

  9. Who was talking about venue shopping, Maryland, Wisconsin, Illinois, possible Iowa, and now South Carolina. It’s not like his old lawsuits will come back to bite him. From what I can read, South Carolina courts don’t put up with BS lawsuits.

  10. Well, isn’t it pretty convenient that DUMBFUCK would file for IFP status just two days after his car went home to Jesus?

    Did he ask for a welfare lawyer, too?

  11. Aw, look here. He’s whining about not having a lawyer. About “technicalities.”
    He forget to mention that he got a lawyer for FREE in Illinois, and the guy made him agree to dismiss the case.
    Hey, since he filed IFP again, did he remember to tell the court that he got rid of an asset, just before filing? That it appears he received a $9,000 bump up in his annual pension? That he got a $15,000 life insurance payout?

  12. Wow…40 comments already! Almost like something is proceeding as all of these commenters had foreseen when DUMBFUCK uploaded an off-point case to his Scribd account a few days ago…

  13. So the bottom line is he is suing you because he keeps suing you and losing?

    Frankly, I am beginning to agree with what someone else posted here recently.

    I think you are pulling one of the longest-running internet gags of all times. NO REAL PERSON could be as colossally stupid as Herr Parvocampus. It is not humanly possible. A person this STUPID could not breathe or keep their heart beating.

    It’s been chuckle-worthy at times, but the story line is now simply implausible.

    I look forward to your next prank.

    • “NO REAL PERSON could be as colossally stupid as Herr Parvocampus.”

      You’ve never watched any of those ‘World’s Dumbest Criminals’ videos, have you?

      • If a person who is not real has a relationship, Platonic or otherwise, with another person who is not real, do the two non-realities cancel out, meaning that the relationship is real lthough those seemingly in the relationship are not real.

        • I think so. It’s like in math if two imaginary numbers are multiplied, the product is real.

          Of course, just because it’s real doesn’t mean it can’t be negative and/ or irrational.

    • At this point I don’t think there is an editor alive who could rescue it. (It being the story line or the lulzsuit; both are equally implausible.)

      Sometimes it’s hard to believe that either Biwwy or his … friend … can remember how to breath without getting regular reminders

    • What clued you in? The blow-up doll with neon pink hair and bad teeth? I was curious when the ninja nuns made an appearance, but it was actually the bald cat that finally sealed the deal for me.

  14. I stopped reading the sand filled puss filled vagina’s sob story disguised as a complaint after the first three sentences which can be summed up as “baaaaaawwww poor me who has Parkinson’s (never mind I got better and drove a car and sold my assets so I can file.IFP)

  15. I know for a fact that Aaron has paying clients, and from what I heard through the grapevine, they were very pleased with his representation.

  16. Something I am wondering about: He claims to be a “Resident” of South Carolina, but has only been there a couple of weeks and has no permanent residence.

    What what are residency requirements in S. Carolina?

    • Same as everywhere else: physical presence with the intent to make it your residence. Of course, that issue does [I redact myself].

    • If my reading is correct upon the date he received his SC ID card. I’m guessing he got that on May 16th and he filed this on May 18th, kind of a limited time frame I would think … but I won’t say anything substantial further and suggest others don’t either RE: residency/venue issues. Let him be surprised.

  17. I know this is a lot to ask, but would someone please post LOLSuits 1-7, and his IFP filings? Just links is OK. I swear I’ve read this complaint seven times before.

  18. I don’t think the problem is the “false and defamatory” comments.

    I think the problem is the “factual and definitive” comments are really hitting home.

    But at least you probably have his actual address now. Maybe the Maryland court will find a useful purpose for that bit of information really soon.

    Assuming any of this is real. Which is simply incredible.

  19. In the description of Grady, did he just admit that he’s marrying a guy? In the sentence that contains “which is a daily hate screed devoted to Schmalfeldt and his fiance (since she came into his life”? You’d think a GS-13 Writer/Editor would know that it’s got 1 ‘e’ for male and 2 ‘e’ for … well, not male.

    — Sham

  20. “Carolina Iconoclasts @PodcastPair
    Typical. @wjjhoge and his droolers haven’t even read the complaint or looked at the exhibits, and I’m already doomed to fail. @Redheadturkey”

    That conclusion has nothing to do with these particular documents.

    Rather, it is the foregone conclusion of you entire life, Cousin.

  21. Wrong. I don’t think my lulcow is doomed to fail. I think he was born to fail. There’s a difference. One is genetic.

    And why do I think that all of the blog posts and tweets about why he moved each time are going to come in very handy?

  22. Wow, he’s complaining about “vulgar” comments. I had to have a hazmat crew out to deal with the stench from all his archived scribblings, like something out of Ghostbusters. The guy who wrote this (remove the space after http – John doesn’t want stuff like this visible on his blog):
    http ://i.imgur.com/lGYDvZ0.jpg

      • Nah, there were plenty of people who knew him for the suppurating genital wart that he’s always been, long before he popped to the surface here, in 2012.

        I’ve known him his entire life, and he’s always been a stupid, angry, smartest-man-in-the-room failure.

        Unlike him, I have no reason to lie about it…

  23. Total non-lawyer here.

    But in my capacity as interested onlooker and “not the dumbest person in the world”, I have a question. (As a non-dumbest person, I like to think a characteristic of the same is to ask questions when one is not completely sure of the answer.)

    If one were say, hypothetically, to deny the existence of documents related to lawsuit with a party, and then launch my own lawsuit including said party within a few days of this assertion, would that cause any judges to look askance at my claims in some small way?

  24. He can’t even figure out how to do a decent screen cap and is reduced to taking poor quality photographs? Really? There are tons of pages on the internet with instructions for every conceivable computer and OS.

    • I thought his make believe boyfriend/blow up doll/homeless fungal mouth was some sort of internet/computer guru with a computer that could launch the space shuttle….

      Your exhibits are unreadable, bro…

      You SO suck at everything in life.

      • As Mitch Hedberg once said, “Maybe the problem with Big Foot pictures is that Big Foot *IS* blurry.” And maybe the problem with these exhibits are that they don’t say anything that Biwwy claims….

  25. “Employed as a contractor of some sort”.

    Typing “chief engineer” was too painful, clearly. Because that would be an admission that someone has had a sold, successful career while someone else is reduced to bad comedy court filings about his completely ruined reputation when he’s not tweeting about fear pee.

    • Is this proof that we live in a simulation? Somebody sure as HELL put Schmaleldt’s ‘stupidity’ slider at the max setting.

      • Side note, neither “Balls out” or “Balls to the wall” is a sexual metaphor.

        “Balls out” refers to a steam engine governor, which had two metal balls that moved in circles, with variable radius. When the governor was at max RPM, the balls made contact with the housing, meaning they were in the “out” position.

        “Balls to the wall” comes from WW2 aircraft; the throttle levers had balls on the tips, and when the lever was moved so far forward that the ball touched the cockpit firewall, the throttle was at max.

  26. How will he explain his Jan 2017 increase in pension/welfare benefits to the Court? What about the fact that he was giving away assets AFTER he filed his latest LOLSUIT? I think opposing his IFP filing could bring almost as much PLM fun as the suit itself.

  27. Uuuuhhh…………yep.

    “The fight is not always to the strong, nor the race to the swift……

    ……but that’s the way to bet.”

    -so-crates (I think)

  28. I see I picked the wrong evening to go to dinner with friends…

    I’ll be back in a bit, after I read everything, but I have to say this was certainly a very good use of Bill’s time rather than obeying the judge’s orders on discovery.

    Do I have to add, /sarc?

  29. Uh, Bill, could you manage to tweet something stupid?

    John needs a new thread, this one’s getting crowded.

    • Somebody is just pissed that he hasn’t had 150 comments on anything he has ever put out on the internet… COMBINED.

  30. Maybe you are a FORMER GS-13 Writer Editor because you sucked at your job. This draft…. I’m receiving information this wasn’t a draft but actually filed… oh dear, anyway. This FILING is the worst editing job since, well, his last LOLsuit. Misspell your name IMMEDIATELY, followed by the correct spelling in the same line, check. Not remembering how many total defendants (four? five?) you listed, check. Grammar strikingly similar to a first-year ESL student, check. Projection pretending to be legal theory, check. This is the give that keeps on giving, and I’ve read it three times already finding new idiocies each time. Bravo!

    • To be fair, he got 70% (a solid C) on an ESL test, something he was so proud of that he put it on his Linkdin profile.

      Hey, why does someone so disabled have a Linkdn account, anyway?

  31. I didn’t even notice his “it was either eat shit and do nothing about it or try to fight back” comment. Why is everything poop and male genitalia with this freak? And why is Bill tagging #Dems … Daily Kos and far left progressive crazies want nothing to do with too weird for even Daily Kos Bill Schmalfeldt.

  32. I would like to make a helpful suggestion. I would remind the defendants that Bill himself has filed the “lyrics” to his “comedy” skits in court. But even more damaging than the actual “lyrics” is this: Back in one of the early Maryland state cases (IIRC) Bill didn’t put in the actual lyrics, but submitted detailed descriptions, in icky loving detail, of exactly why his “comedy” skits were artistic expression, and not porn.

    Those defenses, IMHO, are even more damning than the skits themselves.

  33. Eighth try is the charm!
    Sorry, I just can’t help myself….but……


  34. How many lolsuits can one file for the same dismissed-with-prejudice charges before being declared a vexatious litigant?

    Asking for a friend.

  35. Um, a thought occurs. I don’t see anywhere in this lawsuit where he even *tries* to link Grady and Krendler. In fact, I was under the impression that this link had never been proven.

  36. I wonder if Biwwy really thinks he’s in a race with Kimberwhine to see who can be declared vexatious first…

  37. Biwwy thinks these are hate comments, and says:

    Keep on f5cking that chicken, dumbf5ck.

  38. Wrong. My lulcow typo’ed his name, that’s true. That just proves that he’s not only a clown, but an extraordinarily bad editor, a condition not uncommon to drunken idiots,.

    He’s going to lose because the Fourteenth Amendment is a thing that exits. South Carolina state law will prove to be just as meaningless as Wisconsin law was.

    But let a DUMBFUCK has his fun. I suspect it’ll stop being fun very, very soon.

        • I’m game! Proof that God exists can be found in the fact that He has blessed us with an infinite supply of lulz from a lolcow so hideous that could not exist by nature alone, as such a lolcow would have been beaten to death in the womb by its mother’s own placenta for being such a dumbf5ck if left to nature’s “red in tooth a claw” designs.


  39. Bill riddle me this because it was one of your best photos … did you take that photo after completing writing this filing? You look really happy. I want to know because I actually think I might like the t-shirt … is that a flag on two sides with an eagle between?

  40. Fear pee is when you flee to another state after a lawyer proves you lied on your “I’m totally a pauper” form. It’s telling the court a false address so you get slapped with an order to appear and say why you shouldn’t be jailed and/or fined. The feeling you feel every minute you click on someone’s blog and pretend they’re trying to find you–that is fear pee.

    200+ comments mocking your stupid Bil-logic isn’t fear pee. It’s lulcow milk.

    One of the hallmarks of sociopaths is not understanding human emotion. No wonder he wants to marry a balloon (it’s RED! Pop pop!)

    • Oh wait. He’s done so much crap I can’t keep it straight. I guess technically the show cause order is because he illegally recorded court proceedings and illegally released them online. It’s hard to keep track of his crimes.

    • No, fear pee is when the nice deputies hand you a summons, and ask you to sign and acknowledge that you received it, and you pee yourself.

      Full Schmalfeldt is when you then tell Twitter about it…

      • I stand corrected.


        Something Biwwy hasn’t been able to do in decades.

        [Biwwy, was this a fat joke or a drunk joke? EMBRACE THE POWER!]

  41. Hey can I sue under the laws of a state for an act that occurred while I was a resident of a different state and prior to my becoming a resident of the state where I moved to? Asking for a friend.

  42. How do I know that when Bill was typing this atrocity of law and logic, all he could hear in the room was the shrill, yet slurred, refrain “Youuuu ged’im,, Billlly. Ged fugginl Kredler! Fugggginkredler! *hic* Then we buy us teef!”

  43. I think I see a pattern, move to every state in the union file a lawsuit, leave; wash and repeat

  44. Defense Exhibit 57: a copy of the copyright application where Cabin Boy, UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY, claimed to be Krendler.

    So, Cabin Boy, did you lie under oath then, or did you lie under oath here when you said Grady is Krendler?

    And note that there’s no “but Maryland” defense in this case…

  45. Bill, you know that TV ad about being smart because they stayed in a Holiday Inn was just that, an ad, not real, fake, non-believable, total BS just like you. I would say your a moron but you just haven’t met the minimum requirements. Plus, I don’t want to insult morons.

  46. *ROFL* “As a person suing him for defamation, I have every right to see his site.” Says the dumbf5ck hiding documents he was ordered to produce by a judge ruling in favor of someone who is…what’s that…suing him for defamation? Why, yes indeed, that *IS* one of the things he’s been sued for!

    OMG, this lulcow just never runs out of milk.

    • Pretty sure he who spends time doing incredibly dumb things loses.

      Like say, deliberately getting people to ridicule him because that’s the closest he can get to the fame and success He has craved all his life but utterly failed to find.

  47. May 19th 2017 is now a red-letter date for LOL lawsuits. How can he possibly claim defamation based on acts after that date when he has admitted that “his reputation is damaged beyond repair.” That would seem to make any subsequent damages to his standing minimal, and, any lawsuit predicated on restoring his reputation futile.

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