Blogsmoke


SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

SOUND: Quiet restaurant background with juke box playing oldies. Door opens and closes from the street.

PINKY: Howdy, Sheriff.

JOHN: Hi. Mind if I join you?

FRIDAY: There’s room for one more in the booth.

JOHN: Thanks.

PINKY: How’d it go today?

JOHN: Pretty good. I got most of what I wanted.

SMITH: Oh, that’s right. That hearing with The Grouch.

JOHN: Yeah. He managed to dodge getting sanctioned, but he’s now going to have to fully answer another interrogatory and all of the requests for production of documents.

BRAIN: All of ‘em?

JOHN: (Fading out) All eleven. The judge wasn’t too …

JUDGE: (Fading up) … but that’s not what is before the court today. The question is, “Did you answer Mr. Hoge’s interrogatories?”

THE GROUCH: No. I did not.

JUDGE: I’m going to allow you 10 days to answer them fully, and you must answer them as required by the Maryland Rules. You can’t just send an email. It’s obvious from the docket that the parties have been involved in lawsuits in other venues, and none of them are inexperienced. The court expects that you will follow the Rules.

You need to properly serve your answers on Mr. Hoge by the fifteenth, and you need to send the court a certificate of service when you do. Do you understand what I am ordering you to do?

THE GROUCH: Let me see if I can play this back. I am to provide the answers in writing to Mr. Hoge, and since he doesn’t like my email anymore, I’ll use First Class Mail. And I am to send a notice to the court that I served him.

JUDGE: That is correct. Mr. Hoge, do you have anything else to bring before the court at this time.

JOHN: No, Your Honor.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

ANNOUNCER: If you’re like the Twitter Town Internet Sheriff, you receive lots of mails and emails and you sometimes have to lug hard copies around. A Team Lickspittle Messenger Bag is a great way to keep your paperwork organized while you’re on the go. It’s just one of the useful trinkets with the Team Lickspittle, Res Judicata, Johnny Atsign, and The Grand Hog logos you’ll find at The Hogewash Store. Why not go by today and spend a bit of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle? All those goodies are available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar or buy doing your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

SOUND: Crossfade back from music to restaurant background.

WAITRESS: Hi, Sheriff, the usual?

JOHN: No, let me have a Coke Zero this evening?

WAITRESS: OK. Are you guys staying for dinner?

FRIDAY: I am.

JOHN: Sure.

SMITH: No. My oldest has a soccer game. I need to run.

PINKY: I think so.

BRAIN: Yes, we will.

WAITRESS: OK. I’ll get the Sheriff’s drink and be back to take you dinner orders.

LIZ: I’d better get going.

JOHN: See you Monday, Liz.

FRIDAY: So what’s next.

JOHN: The Grouch is trying to spin a tale about not being served a copy of my petition for the show cause order.

PINKY: Is there anything to it?

JOHN: He may think so, but I have the receipts from the Post Office for mailing the letters with the service to him and The Bomber. If he didn’t get the mail, it’s because he was playing games, not me.

SOUND: Background out.

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

22 thoughts on “Blogsmoke

  1. Was he really that insolent to the judge? Is he going to get his act together, or think he can skate?

    Inquiring minds want to know!

    Phone, train.

  2. Good Evening, ladies and gentlemen…

    Mean Gene Okerlund here at the Lickspittle Wrestling Federation with a special guest this evening… LWF Heavyweight Champion Dewclaw who….

    [The champ grabs the mic from Mean Gene]

    Oooooohh YEAH! Can you dig it, Mean Gene? I am standing before you… as the Heavyweight Champion of the WORLD… YEAH!!! And I just have one thing to say, brother. This fat blob… this mental midget… this “Grouch.”. He thinks he has it all figured out. He thinks he knows everything. But the one thing he doesn’t know, Mean Gene, the one thing that is about to run his 876 lbs and 82 chins into the dirt is that the Madness is coming down the tunnel, brother… that the light coming down the tracks is 10,000 lbs of justice ready to drop the hammer down on his nuggety beach ball head. YEAH!!!

    So you go get your friends…. oops. My bad. Go get your brothers… ooops. Again, my bad. Go get that John Denver-with-rasberry-hair blow up doll, and you bring it and you down to Maryland Arena, and the Champ… ME! is going to open up the most epic can of whoop ass in the history of the LWF.

    And when the smoke clears… there will be two things left in the squared circle. The Champ…. Dewclaw… standing over your fat, bloated carcass. And the broken reminants of your pride flowing down to the floor in a torrent of fear pee.

    WHAT YOU GOING TO DO WHEN THE MADNESS RUNS WILD ON YOU?!?!?

    Can you dig it, suckah?!?!

    [Dewclaw drops the mic and storms off as his entrance music, The Vengeful One by Disturbed plays on]

  3. Don’t worry, Biwwy. I’m sure you’ll see them during the trial.

    • I do love how poor Biwwy thinks that Hoge is required to show him the receipts. All Hoge had to do was mail the documents as required. The receipts are to show *THE COURT* that Hoge fulfilled his end of the requirements, not to show DUMBF5CKS how they DUMBF5CKED it up!

      • Yea… and this whole “last night” thing. Really? You think you need (and are entitled to) this evidence, and you ask for them… the night before?

        Even if you were entitled to see them, even if you needed them, even if it helped your case to see them, you’re *still* a bumbling fool.

        But hey, make sure you put that on twitter. I’m sure you were trying to impress someone – and you did… just not in the way you hoped.

  4. Biwwy can’t logic. (I know, the most obvious sentence you’ll read today.)

    If you both were told, then you were told, DUMBF5CK.

  5. Did the issue of Biwwy’s current address come up? And did he offer any explanations for why he hasn’t been keeping the court apprised of his frequent relocations?

  6. “Post the receipts you say you have, and save yourself a shitheap of trouble, liar! @wjjhoge. Liar! Perjurer! Forger!”

    The only necessary response, as we all know:

    “No.”

    You don’t make the rules, Cousin, and, though you may pay the piper in the end, you don’t get to call the tune.

  7. You know, every time I think of Bill Schmalfeldt, I realize that he missed his true calling in life. If he let people punch him or smash his smug excuse for a face with a baseball bat, he could charge crazy fees. He has the most punchable face I have ever seen.

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