Go Ahead. Make My Day.


The Cabin Boy™ sent me a couple of emails on Sunday evening with this attached in two parts. Since I have withdrawn permission to serve me by electronic means, he should also mail me a copy if he is stupid enough to actually file this with the court in the Hoge v. Kimberlin, et al. lawsuit.

There are several things that he has included in the exhibits that I intended to use as evidence, and he will have authenticated them for me if he really does file that motion. I don’t intend to say publicly anything else substantive about the motion in a form other than an opposition filed with the court until after the court has ruled on it.

167 thoughts on “Go Ahead. Make My Day.

  1. both those tires have considerable curb rub on them. it’s possible that the just went flat.

    Also, he is an idiot

      • If you look at the exhibit 6 you can tell by the tracks the tires were flat before the vehicle was parked, also look at the top picture a tire that is slashed does not deform like that. I am very surprise that the police took a report. I wonder if after the tries were replace if the police stopped by the shop and picked them up to match to another scene.

        • “I am very surprise that the police took a report.”

          for most small town cops in mid-America, you can make a complaint that the squirrels stole the nuts from your trees, and they’ll take a report. Lotsa times they don’t have a whole lot to do.

      • Not only that, but looking at those tires…I theorize that if someone not named Biwwy Schmallballz really IS responsible for puncturing them, they were probably thinking, “This guy’s gonna have a blowout and kill a bus full of Cub Scouts.”

        So basically, just like all other troubles Biwwy faces, it’s because people are protecting children from him.

    • I’m no tire expert.

      I just find it funny to see a thoroughly damaged tire with an arbitrary circle showing just one bit of the damage.

      Yep, that’s compelling evidence right there.

  2. Curb rub or just rotten from age? Either way, I wouldn’t go any faster than necessary to get 4 new tires installed. You’d need a death wish to take those crappy tires up to freeway speeds. Someone did him a favor forcing him to maintain his car.

    Note it looks like his actual damages are only half what he claims unless all four tires were flat.

    • And not to be pedantic (oh, who am I kidding?), but he’s also claiming the tax on the oil change as damages.

    • Speaking of “actual damages,” his loss is the fair market value of the old tires, not their replacement value.

  3. When do we start the pool for the time Bill hightails it out of town to avoid the law when he starts to lose this next lawsuit?

    The pee trail hasn’t totally dried from the last time.

  4. The fact is if you use Google maps in Clinton the Hook inn is a highlighted business right near his house. So his claim is not true that he must have been stalked to get this information.

  5. My favorite part is the fact-free – indeed, not even a feldchart – assertion that Grady and Krendler are one and the same.

    This will no doubt be followed somewhere down the line by the old “it has to be considered true for Purpose X” argument. He truly is that dumb.

  6. Gradys wife was so shocked that she found a lawyer and filed for divorce on the same day? Is that even possible? The one thing I’ve noticed about lawyers is that speed is not generally a strong suit.

  7. “Defendant has no one else on earth who wishes him harm other than Plaintiff and his readers.”

    ROFLMFAO!!!!!

      • An immediate thought: His ex family.

        Plus, not EVERY one of his the people who have restraining orders against dumbf5ck read this blog.

    • Anyone who actually knows him would want him to go away permanently….

      Just ask the surgeons who operated on that microscopic brain matter of his….

      Could have killed him. But they felt operating on a fat turd that didn’t actually have Parkinson’s (and possibly putting his worthless life at risk) was worth the betterment of humanity.

      I agree with them.

    • I suspect the nuns. They’re impatient to collect on that awesome Schmalfeldt Endowment.

  8. I’m dying here..

    Seriously, is really sending that to the court? I know we are not quite two weeks past April 1, but WOW..

    HAHAHAHHAHAHAA.. OW OW OW OW…

  9. Math is not his strong suite, if you look at his exhibit 7 the total damages he can claim for two tires is 225.96. He is trying to claim for 4 tires and an oil change. Oh nice phone #.

    • He was going to have to buy 4 anyway. I’m not at all convinced he didn’t do this so he could claim victimhood and attempt to sway the judge a bit on this case. The REALLY REALLY REALLY sad part is that whether he did it or not, everyone foresaw he was going to do something VERY stupid – and he did NOT DISAPPOINT IN THE LEAST! In fact, he may have surpassed expectations so much so, that some of the simple admissions against interest in the motion may have placed the proverbial “final nail in the coffin.”

      I will never understand why he thinks he can lawyer. On the other hand, it is hilarious to watch him be the perpetual fool.

      • Actually, his van on four blocks would have a greater fair market value than with his tires pre-blowout. That would spare the new owner of the disposal fee.

  10. If someone bothered to drive across multiple states, to end up in front of Cabin Boy’s house only to put two pathetic bald tires out of their misery ….. that would be ridiculous.

    I can’t think of anyone whose motivation to do the first would be satisfied by the second.

    I’m sticking to my seppuku theory.

  11. So Cabin Boy needed some tires and had a flash of EtOH fueled insight. He went out, shoved a knife into a couple of tires, and called the cops.

    What a deviant.

    • Then he claims without evidence it was done by the guy he hates. Then he claims that it was under orders from the guy patiently pursuing him through the courts. Then he puts together a rambling conspiracy theory with pages of irrelevant exhibits for the judge.

      It’s a brilliant legal strategy if you think about it. All he needs to do is claim the signature is too perfect, and he’s got Hoge right where he wants him.

        • Hey my barnacle the #VeroBeachCrybully declared under oath that I hacked him. He was quite adamant. Of course that is pure fiction.

          The only thing of value that Bill the Creeper and Thomas the Crybully have is their victimhood. So they declare over and over again bad things were done to them. The last time I saw people with such a profound lack of insight was when I worked as a psych nurse at a state hospital for the criminality insane.

      • He is going for the Prenda Law defense. Go and read all of the motions, and ruling warning it is huge take all precautions with liquids. not responsible for pulled lulz muscles.

      • Of course he has evidence. Didn’t you see his statement that ‘nobody else has a motive’? Case. Closed.

        Hey Bill: You’re wrong. I did it. Steve Bannon paid me 50 quatloos and three strips of gold pressed latinum. He was explicit in his instructions: “ONLY knife two tires. Then hit the tread and sidewall with a belt sander. Take a hammer to the edge of the rims for good measure.”

  12. It was awfully nice of him to prove that his “poor, dying cripple that can’t travel” act was a lie. Almost as nice as it was for him to admit that he’s trying to incite violence against John with his constant unhinged screeds.

    • I’m no expert, but it looks like a couple of clapped-out tires developed cracks deep enough to vent air. The telling part is that all four were replaced — the shop wouldn’t let Bill drive away with the other two, as they were also long past their replacement date.

      Here’s a hint, Bill — if it’s just two damaged tires, they can put the good ones on, say, the rear axle and the new ones on the front. There were no good tires, we’re there? And your “vandalism” is just a cheap, lazy jerk finding why tires need to be replaced.

      • The tires with the most grip ought to be mounted in the rear. Understeer can be fought with steering input. Rear oversteer in a corner can’t.

        Bill, mount the new tires in the front!

    • Exhibit 6 of this screed shows two flat tires. Bill claims they were slashed, the sidewalls are in exceedingly bad shape, so either they spent a lot of time being driven along curbs, or they were driven for some time while already flat. They look to be in pretty bad shape.

      Exhibit 7 is his receipt from Firestone. Remember how he was ranting about how he was out $465? The bill was $458, and that was for four tires and an oil change. So the other two tires were clearly on their last legs as well if they had to be replaced.

  13. That document is like a game of “count the perjuries”!

    My theory: a neighbor googled Bill, and came across some of his “comedy”. Then decided he didn’t want Bill in his neighborhood.

      • Here’s a theory. Someone notices there’s a creepy guy in a Ford Explorer parked outside all the time. Maybe this person is a Cub Scout leader. Regardless, said leader goes outside and slashes the tires to keep suspect vehicle from leaving scene. Calls the cops. Biwwy emerges from the shadows with his jar of mayonnaise and drives home before the cops arrive. Sees that his tires are flat and thinks, “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!1!!Eleven!!!”

        The difference between my theory and Biwwy’s is that mine is plausible.

  14. That is the biggest combination of stupid and crazy we have seen from Schmalfeldt in a while. I just love how he is the sole determiner of facts. He KNOWS Grady is Krendler. He KNOWS that Hoge sent Grady or Krendler, or someone, to puncture his tires, etc. In fact he KNOWS nothing. But his blind hatred of everything Hoge and Grady makes it impossible for him to see any alternative. I’m sure the court will just take his word for it……oh wait….this filing proves he was lying to the court about being able to travel for his hearing and a host of other things. Oh my, that would put a crimp in his veracity.

    By the way Bill, if someone did puncture your tires they did the world a favor. Holy Shit man, how irresponsible to be out driving around on tires in that condition. How many times did you just drive along tearing the sidewall off on the curbing? Another hint? It is FAR more likely that your neighborhood crackhead poked a hole in your tire then someone driving hundreds of miles to do it. Or it could be your neighbors got wind of that “comedy” you like to publish about cub scouts being anally raped. Holy shit I still can’t believe you wrote that, recorded the skits, and are PROUD of them. That is some world class sickness right there.

  15. You know, for a man who is so worried about “stalkers” he certainly does splash his phone number around a lot. Like even in this document. What a moron.

    BTW, a man with 9 restraining orders against him, one to protect a 3 year old from his harassment, should certainly know that HE is not the one being stalked.

  16. Remember him saying that one of the things he loved about living in the nunnery was the security? Secure entrance, lots of people, had to be buzzed in. Great for a disabled guy who couldn’t drive.

    So he flees in terror in his newly purchased vehicle with his new driver’s license to a high crime single family home in Iowa. No security. No buzzers. Steep stairs. Laundry room in the basement ( stairs again). He posts a photo of it on the net. Dares people to figure out where he is. Literally broadcasts the rough location of the home.

    Sure.

  17. Perhaps.Bill Schmalfeldt ought to reread what he just wrote, and, then consider his actions towards the Stranahan’s in that context? Posted addresses? Check! Incited hatred? Check? Told would-be rapists when Mr Stranahan would be out of town? Check?

    Who am I kidding. A total lack of self-awareness is one of Bill Schmalfeldt’s defining characteristics.

  18. Defendant has a history of abusing litigation by filing false, defamatroy, and insulting motions to harass others. Remember when David Edgren and Aaron had to ask two different courts to tell him to behave appropriately?

    Hmm. I see he glosses over his lie to the judge about being able to travel.

  19. If nothing else, you have to admire a DUMBFUCK’S ability to repurpose the same discredited and dismissed allegations over and over again.

    • Yeah, I was surprised he’s still flogging his letter as a fake.

      OK, not *too* surprised, but still…

      • DEFENDANT: “Your Honor, I know all about email, so I know this one is what I say it is!”

        PLAINTIFF: “But you can’t even hold onto an Outlook account.”

        DEFENDANT: “THAT WAS JOHNSON, MY OTHER STALKER! I’M BESET WITH STALKERS!!!! JOHNSON SET ME UP WITH MICROSOFT!!! I’M A PATSY!!!!!!!”

        JUDGE: “What did Microsoft tell you when they deactivated your account, Mr. Schmalfeldt?”

        DEFENDANT: Something about malware and/or child pornogaphy, BUT IT WAS THE STALKERS! IT’S ALWAYS THE STALKERS!!!!!!!! JOHNSON! HOWELL!! KRENDLER!!! GRADY!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!!!”

        JUDGE: (Backs away slowly from the bench, wondering what the judge from “…And Justice For All” would do in a case like this. Thinks about lunnch on the ledge outside his window. ) And I think this is a good time to call a one-hour recess … “

        • DEFENDANT: “JOHNSON KEEPS SAYING THAT I’M A CHILD PORNOGAPHY, BUT I’M PROBABLY NOT, YOUR HONOR!! THE PARIS, TENNESSEE POLICE KNOW THAT TOO BECAUSE I TOLD THEM BEFORE THEY HAD A CHANCE TO ASK!!! NO WAY A GUILTY GUY WOULD DO THAT!!! AND IF YOU DOUBT ME, YOU’RE COVERED IN HOGE’S POOP FLAKES, JUDGE!!! POOP FLAKES!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    • Puncturing a rad for a slow leak, crimping a gas line so it sputters or shooting skunk scent through windows rubbers with a syringe are all more subtle and devious. (Some would argue, more appropriate as well)

    • When I was a teenager after a long opening shift at my job, I did this by more or less nodding off at the wheel. (more accurately in a zombie state I reached to change the radio station while not paying attention.) Took out the sidewall of one tire plus a nice dent on the rim.
      Looked pretty much like that, bunch of scrapes on the tire and a nice hole where the sidewall actually broke through.

      Having teenagers, Dad had road hazard warranty on the tires and thank heavens a rim for that car was cheap, so I escaped for about $140.

      • I struck a curb edge in a parking lot in my wifes minivan about a decade ago and punched a hole right through the sidewall Tire flattened in an instant and looked like someone had jabbed it with a tool.

        I wonder if he saved the tires for “evidence”? Or are they at the Clinton PD crime lab getting dusted for prints?

          • Hell my dad was robbed at either gun or knife point (I forget which) tied up and thrown in a closet where the robbers (ransacking the place) had spilled industrial cleaner, he suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns requiring skin grafts on various parts of his body and the police never really bothered to investigate it.

  20. Holy smokes!

    After the last few weeks I’ve had I needed a good laugh. I summarized for my wife and SHE got a much needed good laugh too.

    I feel sorry for the poor clerk who has to read this and try to summarize it for the judge. Poor judge is likely to hurt himself while reading this, because he will scarcely believe the clerk, and realize he needs to really read it all himself.

    Reminds me of a song on one of the Hollywood rock bands from the 80’s. Dance, Dance, Dance. 10 points to whomever names the band, 15 if you can name the album, and another 25 if you manage to post the video. 50 points on the line. No Google allowed.

    See what I did there?

  21. Scribd finally cooperated on the pics.

    I just want to know how much bitching Mr Fakinsons did before the police (along with a HUGE eyeroll) finally filled out a police report to just to make him go away.

    BTW those ratty sidewalls don’t look like curbrash. The sidewall damage would be more toward the tread. To me from what I can see he rode them while flat around a turn which would cause the sidewall to roll under the rim. Either that or its from riding while flat…

    … For miles….

    … With JWR as his copilot.

    • But, the scrapings of white paint suggest it was neither. JWR was, of course, a possibility. Officier Giuliani ought to cross reference this report with all hit-and-runs of white cars/objects.

    • Addendum. He may have bounced off the curb. Clinton or IDOT use very large drainage assemblies in their curbs. Cast iron with nifty sharp edges.

      I randomly looked at the intersection of 7th Ave & 4th St (creative names), so not stalking.

      I submit that Bill, through any number of plausible reasons, did scrub the curb adjacent to the drain, ripped the sidewalls and drove home oblivious; only to “discover” the damage the next morning afternoon.

  22. Oh and to the midget pedo… Just because you have a patsy so willing to fall for you doesn’t mean this distraction will prevent you from getting what you deserve.

  23. Maybe since his poor wife was in charge of taking care of every aspect of maintaining a household, he doesn’t understand how cars get flats if the tires get old – even when there’s tread on the tire.

  24. You know what I noticed? If you get out of the weeds, 99% of his whining is recycled claims from previous lawsuits that he lost or dismissed with prejudice. “Blah, blah, blah comment sections, blah, blah, blah.” He has put that in almost every single suit he has filed, if not all, and dismissed the suits with prejudice or had them dismissed because of jurisdictional issues. Res judicata. Collateral estoppel.

    • If you get out of the weeds, 99% of his whining is recycled claims from previous lawsuits that he lost or dismissed with prejudice.

      Isn’t that pretty much the stories of LOLsuits II – VI anyway?

  25. That receipt shows four new tires. He claims two were slashed. This tells me that all the tires were in abominable shape.

    • You could see the threading on both tires, meaning they were about to blow out… in fact, they probably did blow out, because they appear to have been driven on, which accounts for the shredding. I have had a few sidewalls blow out when driving on tires that badly needed to be replaced, and they looked about identical by the time I pulled over.

      • Yup, but he’s claiming damages for two tires that were not “damaged,” plus an oil change. #Grifter

    • I guarantee you if you blew up the photos posted and looked for the DOT code I’d be willing to put a grand on the date stamp showing these dry-rotted POS are over 7 years old.

  26. Pingback: Stupid Is As Stupid Does | BILLY SEZ – The William M. Schmalfeldt Feltdown Observer

  27. this episode of a series of unfortunate laments was brought to you by the letters J, and W,a DNA the number 5th

  28. Almost everyone shoots themselves in the foot once or twice, but Schmalfeldt seems to do it often, immediately after sticking that same foot in his mouth.

    Please, please, PLEASE let him file this with the court.

  29. I remember a lady who was first diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease after she approached her turn on the highway and just kept going.

    If you oughtn’t drive, but you have no captive nurse nor chauffeur and you completely lack impulse control the choice takes itself.

    Especially if that little voice in your head is Johnnie Walker.

  30. Pingback: Theories on Schmalfeldt | Dave Alexander & Company with David Edgren and Gus Bailey – The Artisan Craft Blog

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