Blogsmoke


Back in November, 2013, a mouthy little website called Breitbart Unmasked was posting articles about how Brett Kimberlin was going to trounce my codefendants and me in his first state and federal LOLsuits against us. One of those posts prompted this Team Kimberlin Post of the Day on 18 November, 2013, the first BLOGSMOKE episode—

* * * * *

*snort* *giggle*

Xenophon (the Troll) makes a lame attempt at ironic humor over at Breitbart Unmasked with a post (No, I won’t link to it) trying to cast me as the Internet Sheriff of Twitter Town. It has a sort of Blogsmoke theme.

Here’s how we would have done it back when I was working in radio—

*****Blogsmoke

SOUND: HORSE MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Dodge City Twitter Town and in the territory out west of the net—there’s just one way to handle the killers harassers and the spoilers stalkers—and that’s with a U.S. Marshall an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “GUNSMOKE” “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “GUNSMOKE” “BLOGSMOKE” starring William Conrad W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the violence trolling that moved west with young America into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved with against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

MATT JOHN: I’m that man, Matt Dillon, United States Marshall John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

SOUND: HOUSEHOLD BACKGROUND NOISE—PHONE RINGS OFF MIKE

WILL: (OFF MIKE) Dad! Telephone.

JOHN: I’ll get it in here.

SOUND: PHONE PICKED UP

JOHN: Hello?

LEE: (FILTERED) John, It’s Lee.

JOHN: Hey, Lee.

LEE: (FILTERED) I’m flying into BWI tomorrow evening to file charges against the Grouch. Can you give me a ride from the airport to the courthouse.

JOHN: Sure. When do you get in?

LEE: (FILTERED) Just after six.

JOHN: That works. BWI is on my way home from work. There’s a great place for crab cakes between the airport and where the District Court Commissioner’s night office is located. We’ll grab dinner on the way. Send me an email with the flight info.

LEE: (FILTERED) Thanks, John.

SOUND: PHONE HANGS UP—HOUSEHOLD BACKGROUND FADES

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

SOUND: CAR ROLLING TO A STOP

PARKING GIRL: Three Dollars.

JOHN: Here you go.

PARKING GIRL: Need a receipt?

JOHN: No thanks.

SOUND: CAR ACCELERATES—ROAD NOISE SUSTAINS IN BACKGROUND

JOHN: So how do your wife and kids feel about this?

LEE: They’re tired of it. After a while, it became obvious that he wasn’t going to stop.

JOHN: Yeah.

LEE: I can put up with a lot, but when he suggested that my wife be raped while I was away covering the convention …

JOHN: Uh, huh.

LEE: As if that weren’t enough … going on and on about the child we lost in childbirth … And saying that I was pimping my wife and daughter.

JOHN: Yeah. He’s scum. By the way, you see that trailer park on the right.

LEE: Yes.

JOHN: He’s in Number 71.

SOUND: ROAD NOISE FADES

ANNOUNCER: There’s a nip in the air these days as autumn moves toward winter. One good way to fight the chill is a Team Lickspittle sweatshirt or hoodie. Why not get yours today? Team Lickspittle sweatshirts and hoodies are just some of the trinkets you can waste your hard-earned cash on, stuff exclusively available at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.

And now, back to our story.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

COMMISSIONER: Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that statements contained herein are true to the best of your knowledge and belief.

LEE: I do.

COMMISSIONER: Sign and date all the pages please.

LEE: OK.

SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING

LEE: There.

COMMISSIONER: Thank you.

SOUND: FORMS BEING SEPARATED—STAPLER

COMMISSIONER: Here are your copies. Have a good evening.

LEE: Thanks. Good night.

JOHN: Well, that’s that. Let’s go.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES—FOOTSTEPS ACROSS PARKING LOT—TWO CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE—CAR STARTS INTERIOR POV

JOHN: You can crash on our couch tonight.

LEE: Thanks, John.

JOHN: No problem. We’ll see how Howard County deals with this.

SOUND: CAR ACCELERATES AND ROAD NOISE FADES

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) You know, cyberstalkers like the Grouch do real harm. Over the next week, he began to expand his attacks on bloggers—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

*****

Amateurs. Pfft.

Stay tuned for Episode 2.

* * * * *

Amateurs indeed. And cowards. And liars.

One more thing … The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

32 thoughts on “Blogsmoke

  1. I’m not sure but I think that was before I started tuning in. For a while I was glossing over R.S. McCain’s posts where he put this picture of a giant pimple at the top of the page and explained what the douche was up to now. It really wasn’t until Popehat and A2B started in that I started coming here.

    And to think, if Bill had just ignored being called “some bozo” I’d never have heard of Brett Kimberlin, Bill Schmalfeldt, their various unsavory friends, pasttimes, and histories, and Brett probably could have pulled off the fake Trump document purchase without getting news articles referring to him as the Speedway Bomber.

    Say, how’s that brass knuckles reputation management working out, anyway, Brett?

  2. Maling has tried his hand at his own radio “drame”, so to speak. The thing that most astonishes me is that Maling’s first name is George. It’s simply never arisen before! I’m somewhat unsure how to handle this new-found knowledge.

      • FYI Hoge doctored the timestamp on this. Earlier my “seal of approval” had him beat by 9 minutes. #fraud #fakeseal #bigtubofblubberhidinginIowa

        / sarc

    • Dear WordPress:

      Please institute the infinite like button, stat!

      Then, please start a crash program on an infinite like button, for the prior infinite like. Because I like this, like infinitely beyond infinitely. And I totally have the math to back that up.

      And Bill, please read the above, and learn. The odds are slim that you will learn what real comedy is, and learn to emulate it. So for your own good, just learn to STFU.

      – M

      PS, Your Grace, may I thank you for a masterful piece of “fiction.”

      • I shall pass your encouragement onto Maling just as soon as he returns with my brandy.

    • Oh, and I award this my seal of approval:

      Baby harp seal walks into a bar. Bartender says, “What’ll you have?” Baby harp seal replies, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”

      Yeah, it’d be more tasteful if I learned to post images. So sue me. Wait, Bill already tried…

  3. So says Lester Klemper, Matthew Lillefeldt, Bill Matthews, Paul Krendler, Mack Canudo, Bill Munko, Will Munko, etc., etc., etc…

    • And when people do identify themselves, like Grady, BS harasses them until they have to get restraining orders against him.

    • Question: would a man living in terror of being found be daring people to come over and confront him? Yeah, I thought so.

    • Says the guy who filed a false police report, for him falling down and bruising his forehead (coulda been worse, he could have fallen on his ass and hurt his brain) after opening a tub of Slovenian horseshit. Except the previous day he posted pics of the injury, saying he leaned over to pet his dog, and leaned too far, and hit the floor. Then a couple days later he said he made his efiw/captive nurse open the package, and she had nearly fainted. I don’t know if any of those stories are true, I just know most of them are lies.

      Oh, and the whole leaning over and having an ouchie thing? Might be the whole reason why Bill abandoned Shiloh when he fled Maryland like all the hounds of Hell and Alaska, but not his hounds in Maryland, were persuing him.

        • Did I forget? Or did I just not want to clutter up the issues, for Iowa law enforcement heading out to serve papers. I thought it was more important for them to go to Lowe’s and buy Tyvek coveralls and Sharpie markers to make “uniforms” that were resistant to fear pee when they served Bill with court docs.

          Because who could forget that Bill Schmalfeldt, now of Clinton Iowa, claims to be the infamous “Paul Z. Krendler” who is ever so guilty of mercilessly mocking the ever-so-mockable Bill “Cub-Scout Rape Skit” Schmalfeldt. I mean, as I understand it, Bill has claimed in court documents (see Copyright) that he published the book “Confessions of an Internet Troll” where he claims many many things. Things he has claimed, in other court documents (see LOLsuits) that his many, many enemies did.

      • Best thing that could ever happened to the two dogs in Maryland.

        Prayers every night for a certain cat and dog in Iowa.

        Hope they rid themselves of 291 lbs (Bwahahahahahahaha) of baggage stat.

    • looks like Bwilly is looking to get more RO’s against himself or possilbly lose yet another LOLsuit, what with asking for people to post their names and all.

      Make the world a better place Dumbf5ck, Take The Cure Already.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s