SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
SOUND: Quiet restaurant background with juke box playing oldies. Door opens and closes from the street.
BRAIN: Howdy, Sheriff.
JOHN: Hi. Mind if I join you?
LIZ: No. There’s room for one more in the booth.
PINKY: What’s up today?
JOHN: Nothing. Things have been quiet for the past week.
LIZ: Yeah. It’s almost like some of the usual suspects have run to ground.
JOHN: Maybe they have.
FRIDAY: How’s that?
JOHN: There’s a bunch of stuff in those civil cases involving The Bomber and The Grouch that have been coming due, and it looks like they blown them off.
PINKY: Yeah. Wasn’t something due in one of the federal cases this week?
JOHN: Yep. That absurd civil rights claim that The Bomber made is the only remaining part of the first RICO suit he filed. The case is at the summary judgment phase. The Bomber was supposed to file his opposition to the defendant’s cross motion for summary judgment a couple of days ago. I haven’t checked for a while, but as of early this afternoon, there was nothing on the case docket indicating that he filed anything. If he filed on time, it should be up by now. But it’s starting to look like he’s missed another deadline.
WAITRESS: Good evening, Sheriff. What can I get you?
JOHN: The usual. Say, are you guys going to stay of dinner?
LIZ: I’ve got to get home, but …
PINKY: I’m staying.
FRIDAY: So am I.
BRAIN: Me too.
JOHN: OK. Then I’ll wait and order something else with them.
WAITRESS: I’ll be right back with your coffee.
SOUND: Background cross fade to music.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: Mmmm. Coffee. I like mine strong, and I usual drink it from either a Res Judicata or a Murum Aries Attigit mug. Both are available exclusive at The Hogewash Store. Stop by and spend some money on the mugs and t-shirts and other trinkets you’ll find there. It’s a great way to support Team Lickspittle. Or you can do your Amazon shopping through the link on the Home page. Or hit the Tip Jar.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
SOUND: Crossfade back from music to restaurant background.
JOHN: (Fading up) Well, The Grouch is late with a bunch of things.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh. He’s been pretty quiet lately.
JOHN: He’s still publishing political drivel over at the Unread site, but he hasn’t done a blog post about me for almost a month—although he did sneak in a few tweets a week or so ago.
PINKY: What’s next for him?
JOHN: That’s up to the judge. We’ll see.
LIZ: I wonder if he thinks that if he’s quiet for a few days or weeks that everything will blow over.
BRAIN: That would be mind-boggling stupidity on par with the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
PINKY: It’s a creature from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It’s so stupid that it thinks that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you. If it’s about to eat you and you cover your head with a towel, it will think you’re not there.
JOHN: Well …
WAITRESS: Hey, guys, can I take you dinner orders.
LIZ: Not mine. I’ve got to go.
PINKY: I’ll just get an order of the mozzarella sticks.
BRAIN: Same here.
FRIDAY: What’s the fish tonight?
WAITRESS: We’ve got flounder and trout.
WAITRESS: What side dishes?
FRIDAY: Let’s see. Green beans and mashed potatos. And cornbread.
JOHN: Bacon cheeseburger with the works and an order of onion rings.
WAITRESS: OK. I’ll get this put in for you.
SOUND: Background out.
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.