Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once. Receiver picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Good evening, Johnny. It’s Pete Candler.

JOHNNY: Hi. How’s life among the undead?

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Just shuffling along, I guess, but there’s been an interesting development by a certain big lake.

JOHNNY: Really?

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Yes, and some photo reconnaissance may be in order.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of The Driving Ambition Matter.


JOHNNY: For years, The Grouch has claimed that he suffers from a degenerative disease that never gets better. He even claimed that the stress from folks holding him accountable for his actions was killing him. He claimed that several years ago he had been forced to give up driving.

And then his name appeared in the index of valid driver’s licenses in Wisconsin. And his name appeared on the title to a vehicle.

If if were true that he had obtained a driver’s license, that would raise some interesting questions about the truthfulness of some of the statements he had made under oath in several court cases, and several of my clients were interested in finding out what was up. I decided to ask a colleague to look into things for me.

JOHNNY DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) @LittleBird Is Wisconsin too far for a day trip for you?

LITTLE BIRD DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) @JohnnyAtsign It’s only 3 states away. A long day trip but doable.

JOHNNY DMS: (SYNTH VIOCE) @LittleBird Check your email for an intriguing assignment.

ANNOUNCER: Winter’s almost over. With warmer-but-not-hot weather coming, a Hogewash! Res Judicata long-sleeve t-shirt could be just the thing for casual wear. It’s exclusively available along with lots of other goodies at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re both ways you can support the Team.

SOUND: Skype rings once. Receiver picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

LITTLE BIRD: (Telephone Filter) Hey, Johnny, it’s Little Bird. I just got back from Wisconsin, and I’m emailing you the pictures.

JOHNNY: I’ve got to head out to meet with a client who may be interested in what you found. Can you give me a quick summary?

LITTLE BIRD: (Telephone Filter) There was a old, rusted SUV in a parking spot for The Grouch’s apartment complex with a tag matching the number you gave me. It didn’t look like much, but it’s probably warmer and drier than that red scooter in the picture you sent.

JOHNNY: Do you think anyone saw you?

LITTLE BIRD: (Telephone Filter) There wasn’t anyone in the parking lot when I drove by, and the surveillance camera would only have picked up the front of my truck. We don’t have front plates here.

SOUND: Ping.

JOHNNY: OK. Your email just popped up. Yeah, that is a clunker. I’ll show this to the client. He’ll be interested to know that The Grouch is able to drive again. Thanks.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Zombie It’s a miracle!

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? The the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

8 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. …. the surveillance camera would only have picked up the front of my truck. We don’t have front plates here.

    Match Point.

    • If Bill had any identifying info he would have published it weeks ago. He doesn’t know the color, make, model, or style (btw, NO states require front plates for motorcycles.)

      Bill knows less than Jon Snow.

  2. You mean Bill Schmalfeldt is a proven and soon to be adjudicated liar?

    I wonder how much that’s going to cost?

Leave a Reply