Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

We found this old episode in the files and realized that it never ran back in late 2015. So, here it is—

Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once. Receiver picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

WILSON: (Telephone Filter) Good morning, Mr. Atsign. I’m Al Wilson at the Universal Adjustment Bureau in Hartford, Connecticut.


WILSON: (Telephone Filter) We have an insurance claim we’d like you to investigtate?

JOHNNY: Are you sure you’ve called the right investigator?

WILSON: (Telephone Filter) (Chuckles) We did contact someone else to start, but he referred us to you. Apparently, you know something about a guy who calls himself The Grouch.

JOHNNY: Yeah. I’ve heard of him.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Lakeside Lunacy Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch Shouldn’t suits in your size be prohibitably expensive?

JOHNNY: The Grouch has filed another one of his famously defective lawsuits, and this time, one of the defendants had decided to fall back on his … or her … liability insurance carrier to defend the suit. They, in turn, wanted an outside investigation of the facts in order to make the business decision concerning whether to offer a settlement or take the case to trial if necessary.

I got a copy of The Grouch’s complaint and slogged through it, trying to understand exactly what he claimed my client’s client had done. It boiled down to my client’s client having made comments on someone else’s blog, comments that were either demonstrably true or which seemed to be reasonable opinions based on the facts being discussed. In one instance, the allegedly defamatory comment consisted of the word “good” with no context provided as to what allegedly was being approved.

In other words, it was The Grouch’s usual scattered mashup of nonsense. I went back through my case files, gathered some supporting documents, wrote my report, and filed it the next day.

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SOUND: Skype rings once. Receiver picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

WILSON: (Telephone Filter) Good morning, Mr. Atsign. It’s Al Wilson. I wasn’t expecting your report so soon.

JOHNNY: As I told you, I’m very familiar with The Grouch, and a great deal of the nonsense in his lastest complaint relates to earlier matters I’ve investigated.

WILSON: (Telephone Filter) Our Legal Department found your report very useful.

JOHNNY: Good. Do you think they’ll offer a settlement?

WILSON: (Telephone Filter) No. Their position is that it will be cheaper and quicker to fight such an open-and-shut case than it would be to make even a cut-rate settlement offer. You’ve definitely earned your fee on this one.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch What’s it like living in a nunnery when you haven’t got a prayer?

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? I’m not making this up, you know. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

9 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. Well, deranged cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt has been sliming Lee Stranahan again. This is how deranged cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt, the man who offered to urinate on commenter Jane’s children, behaves to a man to whom he has “apologized,” a man who never bothers him in any way.

    I remember the time deranged cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt admitted that one of the things he was most ashamed of in his life was betraying his brother by hooking up with his girlfriend, the woman he later married. When reminded about that a while later, deranged cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt, the man who offered to urinate on children, claimed that his brother didn’t care. Which of these stories told by deranged cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt was true? Personally, I believe that deranged cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt and his most excellent friend, along with the rest of the staff at the blog “edited” by deranged cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt, is green with envy.

  2. In June, deranged cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt will have been molesting Lee for 5 years.

    “Sarting in June 2012, my family and I have been cyberstalked, bullied and harassed by a total stranger; a Maryland man named Bill Schmalfeldt.

    Among other things, Mr. Schmalfeldt has:

    –Made repeated, direct contact with me and members of my family via email & Twitter, demanding I answer his questions about his ‘investigation’ in me and my family
    –Continued this direct contact after being asked not to; sometimes directed over 100 messages a day directly at us with questions for his ‘investigation’
    –Posted our personal information, including making a video of our address after a rape threat had been made by an associate of Mr. Schmalfeldt’s
    –Made constant sexual references about both my wife and I, including frequent mentions of our genitalia and fantasies about selling my wife and raping me
    –Tormented us about the death of our newborn daughter Collette
    –Posted photos of our children and contacted child protective services
    –Contacted over half a dozen law enforcement agencies when I wouldn’t answer the bizarre personal questions he would ask for his ‘investigations’
    –Attempted to get me fired, arrested & have my children taken from me
    –Contacted friends, family, business associates and even total strangers who spoke to me online.”

  3. Pingback: In The Mailbox: 02.28.17 : The Other McCain

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