Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign


Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once. Receiver picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Good morning, Johnny.

JOHNNY: Hi!

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) How’d your survey of intriguing locations go?

JOHNNY: It was kind of boring. The best part of the trip was being able to do some ice fishing.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Broadway Beat Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch The jokes may be corny as Kansas in August, but you’re not as normal as blueberry pie.

JOHNNY: The Grouch had moved, and he had left no forwarding address. However, I was able to keep track of him via his connections to the Internet. Based on [redacted].

[redacted]

ANNOUNCER: Ice fishing, Johnny? Brrrrr! I’m glad that winter will be over in a few weeks, even though we’ll still have some chilly weather during the first part of spring. A Team Lickspittle hoodie could be just the thing to keep you comfortable on one of those not-too-cold day ahead. It’s exclusively available along with lots of other goodies at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or do your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re all ways you can support the Team.

JOHNNY: I’m so old that when I first worked in radio, we were still playing phonograph records on turntables. The Grouch is now spinning tunes digitally at a small town station on the fringe of a minor market, a station that doesn’t even show in the ratings book for the 156th-ranked market.

When I drove by the station on 442 Avenue out north of town, it seemed to a fairly usual small-time AM/FM operation surrounded by agricultural land.

The Grouch has said that he lives close to Pete Grayson, the guy he sometimes incorrectly claims is the Zombie. However, if Grayson lives in Palatine, Illinois, as The Grouch claims and The Grouch lives near Palatine, then he has one helluva commute to work at his new radio gig.

Of course, The Grouch doesn’t live near Palatine. My tracking data shows that.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch What if the impossible dream is a probable nightmare?

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? Tag. You’re it! Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

21 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. Bill gets evicted by the Ninja Nuns (he never denied it) and has to move into Aunt Edna’s basement. At least he has one family member stupider when he is that actually gave him a job. I’m sure that relative will regret it.

  2. Thought about it. Wrote it up, too. But I’m not going to do it. Took me 2 tries over 39 seconds and I don’t EVEN have the mad skillz of a Undercover Internet Troll… I don’t have those skillz because I have a life. A wife of several decades and a job. DOXX ALERT! DOXX ALERT! ALL HANDS TO RESEARCH STATIONS!

    BONG BONG BONG !!!

    The yellow sticky, on the wall, marked ‘w’ (number 37, because I’ve been quiet lately) gets annotated and moved up 6 places.

    Plus I could be wrong. So there’s that.

    Like Heimdall standing athwart the rainbow bridge Macintosh scans the internet endlessly in search of butthurt. Macintosh furrows his brow. “Uh oh.”

  3. Did anyone listen in?

    I can only imagine how smooth he was, having stayed in practice with four years of 30 day free trial podcasts.

        • Wow, its seems like just a few years ago ol’Billy was claiming he was at death’s door, that Hoge was driving him to an early grave, that he couldn’t walk on his own, let alone drive or work, that he was so completely disabled that he couldn’t even run his “podcasts” anymore due to Parkinsons intefering with his ability to speak coherently for long periods..

          and here we are just a year after his care giver made her escape and look at ol’ Billy go!!

          walking, and driving and lordy lordy!! even working!!…

          who knew having the person who you had conned into doing EVERYTHING for you dying do to their own (real) terminal illness could cause such a reversal of terminal never gets better Parkinson’s stage MCLVVP!!!!11!!.

          someone shoudl contact the National Parkinson’s Institute, they may want to look into this.

  4. He’s really out in the middle of nowhere. That’s barely in Clinton’s city limits, north of Eagle Point and Lyons district. Clinton’s a classic rust belt town that went downhill when big industry left. Billy had best hope that Trump is successful, or his market is going to die on the vine.

    • There is a market for unfunny, no talent hacks that have to ripoff way more talented folks (hi PK!) just to seem relevant?

      Who knew?

      • Even under the counterfactual premise that he had talent, and a genuine sense of humor, he would still be fired after the first caller with a scintilla of criticism was meet with an on-air over-the-top diatribe about the infinite revenge he was going to suffer for his slight. John Hoge called him a “bozo,” and Bill Schmalfeldt has been obsessed with him for nearly half a decade..

        This job will end like all his other jobs. In the last analysis, Bill Schmalfeldt is his own worst enemy. This time, he really needs the job. If he was smart, he’d realize that he has to hold his tongue. But, who are we kidding?

        • Yeah, he’s never made it all the way through a second year at any of the radio jobs he’s had, or even just claimed he had, same goes for the newspaper jobs. And none of us except maaaaybe Cousin Roy ever did anything about those. He’s got a black hole of no-talent and any job he gets will collapse into it all on its own.

          • I’m on the job, 24/7/365, in the shadows since the 1970s, ensuring Cousin Bill never has even a modicum of success, nor a moment of true happiness, nor friends.

            Call it a hobby, or call it a vendetta, either works for me.

            When people look at you funny in Clinton, Cuz, or quickly turn away, or whisper to the person next to them, just remember me and my efforts, and how very, very quickly gossip about outsiders travels in those small, boring Iowa towns.

            Particularly when I’ve seeded it with large packets documenting your sordid past…

          • Your kin probably thinks he’s no outsider, and he’s finally back in the loving embrace of people who ‘really know him’.

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