Blognet


As we see in this vintage episode, sometimes a person will lash out wildly when too many things fail at once—BlognetTitleCardMUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A blogger has been subjected to harassment by means of an temporary peace order. The blogger claims that false testimony was used to obtain the temporary order. Your job … investigate.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

FRIDAY: It was Sunday, March 8th. It was cold and blustery in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 1:16 pm when we returned to Room S-140. Internet Detail.

SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room.

SMITH: I can’t imagine what that guy’s thinking.

SOUND: Chairs pulled out.

FRIDAY: That could be our first mistake, assuming that Timberland has actually thought this thing through.

SMITH: Yeah.

FRIDAY: Look, he’s got to be close to panic mode over how his lawsuits are tanking, if he isn’t there already.

SMITH: Uh, huh, but this is so lame.

FRIDAY: Maybe, but it fits his MO. He’s filed a peace order claiming that someone has done something outrageous, but with no facts to back his claim.

SMITH: OK, yeah. In that sense this is just like the one a few years ago about being punched out in the lobby of a courthouse. And he’s got his web buddies promoting a story about how he’s been wronged.

FRIDAY: Except there’s one difference so far. In the case of the imaginary courthouse assault there was security video that proved Timberland was lying. We don’t have any objective evidence like that in this case.

SMITH: Yet. We haven’t started looking. This one of those case where I don’t want to leave a single stone unturned.

FRIDAY: Uh, huh, but be careful.

SMITH: Huh?

FRIDAY: With Timberland’s bunch you never can tell what might crawl out from under one of those rocks.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: Liz took the lead on the investigation of Timberland’s claims that a blogger had harassed one of his family members.

Tuesday, March 10th, 11:24 am.

SMITH: Joe, I’ve been through everything the blogger has published since he’s been blogging. Prior to Timberland’s petition, there is absolutely no mention of his family member by name. When she is mentioned, its usually in a quote of something Timberland said that refers to her. The few exceptions are things such as being listed as being among a group of people present during a court hearing.

FRIDAY: It’s hard to see how that adds up to stalking.

SMITH: Yeah, which is probably why that part of his petition didn’t make it into the temporary peace order.

FRIDAY: What about that “unhealthy interest” claim?

SMITH: I can’t find a real basis for it, but he’s probably trying to pin it on that comment the blogger made about her age on the Zombie’s blog.

FRIDAY: The claim of posting her date of birth on the Internet?

SMITH: That won’t fly for a couple of reasons. First, it isn’t literally true. He said that she would be a particular age during a particular month. He didn’t say which day.

FRIDAY: Uh, huh.

SMITH: Second, the very first thing on the ABOUT page of her own website is her DOB.

FRIDAY: Oops.

SMITH: The blogger is also on record asking people to leave Timberland’s family alone, so I don’t know how he makes a case for incitement.

FRIDAY: OK. Let’s get this written up and our report filed. It looks like I was right about one thing on this case.

SMITH: What’s that?

FRIDAY: There’s no way Timberland thought this through before he filed.

MUSIC: Up and under.

NARRATOR: On March 13th, a trial was held in the District Court of Maryland for Montgomery County on the matter of a final peace order. In a moment, the result of that trial.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: Winter will be over in a few weeks, but we’ll still have some chilly weather during the first part of spring. A Team Lickspittle hoodie could be just the thing to keep you comfortable on one of those not-too-cold day ahead. It’s exclusively available along with lots of other goodies at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or do your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re all ways you can support the Team.

NARRATOR: On March 13th, a trial was held in the District Court on the matter of a final peace order. The court found that Timberland was unable to produce evidence to support any statutory basis for a peace order. Accordingly, the peace order petition was denied.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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