ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once. Receiver picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Hey, Johnny. It’s Pete Candler.

JOHNNY: What’s up, Pete?

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) I’m having a bit of a computer problem that I think you might be able to help me with.

JOHNNY: Well, I’m not much of an IT guy …

ZOMBIE: It’s not strictly a technical problem, and you may know where to find a solution.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of the Who’s There? Matter.

ZOMBIE TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @JohnnyAtsign Who’s on first?

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) Right.

JOHNNY: It seems that the Zombie and several members of his Horde were being visited online by someone who was harassing them and trying to do so anonymously. Although the hits were coming from seemingly random IP addresses, there were indications that it was a single individual sending the harassing messages.

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) So do you know of any reasonable means of tracking this guy down?

JOHNNY: Not off the top of my head, but I’ll check with my IT Nerd.

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Thanks, Johnny.

JOHNNY: So I took a walk over to the office just of Center Street where my IT Nerd runs a small shop.

NERD: Hey, Atsign. Whatcha need today?

JOHNNY: I need to track someone who’s been sending harassing comments to a client’s website.

NERD: So log his IP.

JOHNNY: The guy is using multiple IP. I suppose he might be using TOR.

NERD: Heh. Someone who thinks he’s smart. There ways of dealing with that. Is your client willing to install special software on his system?

JOHNNY: Probably. If that’s what it takes.

NERD: There are ways to log other information other than IPs. There are several unique identifying numbers associated with every device on the Internet. By logging some or all of them connections can be tracked back to an individual device.

JOHNNY: Really?

NERD: Sure. The MAC Address of every computer’s NIC card is unique. It’s spoofable, but not many people know how. There are other unique identifiers that may or may not be accessible depending on OS vulnerabilies. Every phone has its own International Mobile Equipment ID and is trackable.

PINKY: Say, Brain, have you noticed that the Boss has Team Lickspittle mouse pads for sale at The Hogewash Store?

ANNOUNCER: That’s right, Pinky. Team Lickspittle and The Grand Hog mouse pads are just some of the bits of the junk that a loyal supporter of Team Lickspittle can spend his money on—exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle. Or you can hit the Tip Jar.

SOUND: Skype rings once. Receiver picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Hey, Johnny. It’s Pete Candler. It’s working, and we’ve got a good lead on a suspect.

JOHNNY: Good. What have you found out?

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) So far, all the connections have come from one computer or one phone.

JOHNNY: That’s what we’ve suspected.

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Yes, but here’s the interesting part. All the phone connections have come from the same area as the greatest number of hits from the one computer, and those computer connections are via the cable TV vendor who provides service to The Grouch’s new apartment.

JOHNNY: Really?

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Really.

JOHNNY: So what do you intend to do about it?

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Nothing for now, except to engage in some pointage, laughery, and mockage.

ZOMBIE TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch Daaaance!

THE GROUCH TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Zombie I don’t give a damn.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch He’s our shortstop.

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? Knock, knock! Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.