Blognet


BlognetTitleCardMUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. An notorious anti-First-Amendment activist has included a suspicious document in a court filing. Your job … get the facts.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps along a busy street.

FRIDAY: It was Monday, September 26th. It was a clear, cool day in Washington. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 11:08 am when Liz and I entered 1600 Massachusetts Avenue, Northwest, the Embassy of the Philippines.

SOUND: Door opens and closes. Quiet lobby background. Footsteps across room.

GUARD: Good morning. May I help you?

FRIDAY: I’m Sergeant Friday, Twitter Town Shefiff’s Department. This is my partner Detective Smith.

SMITH: We have a meeting with someone from the Legal Attachés Office. Here’s a copy of the appointment.

GUARD: Thank you. Please sign in on the register.

FRIDAY: OK.

GUARD: Let me call the Attachés Office, and …

JAMOR: No need to call. I’ve come down to meet them. I’m Special Agent Jamor.

FRIDAY: I’m Sergeant Friday. This is my partner Detective Smith. Thanks for meeting with us.

JAMOR: Well, I’m rather interested in seeing this document you have. There’s a meeting room right here just off the lobby we can use.

SOUND: Door opens.

JAMOR: Come in and have a seat.

SOUND: Door closes. Lobby background out. Chairs pulled out.

JAMOR: OK. What have you got?

SMITH: We’re pretty sure … as in 99.999 percent sure … that this is fake. On the other hand, it might have been transcribed from a legitimate document.

FRIDAY: We brought it by to get your opinion on its validity, but also we wanted to let you see what was floating around in case you did have a document leak you might want to plug.

JAMOR: Well, this certainly isn’t a photocopy of one our documents. The agency seal is missing, and it’s not even in all-caps. It’s in small caps. An old teletype message would have been in all caps and in a different font, but this is dated after the turn of the century. The agency quit using teletypes for messaging before I joined over 20 years ago. It isn’t a word-for-word transcript either. Anyone who works with us has to be able to speak, read, and write standard American English. The grammar and spelling are wrong.

SMITH: Uh, huh. I noticed your accent sounds like you’re from the Midwest.

JAMOR: Well, this is my second tour here. The first time, I was stationed at the consulate in Chicago. Now, it’s possible this is someone’s summary of an internal report, but there’s no way the agency would have let this out.

FRIDAY: How’s that?

JAMOR: This deals with the Islamic terrorists on some our southern islands. Anything related to that would be classified at least SECRET.

SMITH: The document was included in a court filing, and the guy who filed it has a record for forgery.

JAMOR: Timberland. Yeah, we’ve heard of him.

SMITH: Really? In what connection?

JAMOR: Ah, I can’t really say. I’m sure you understand that we …

FRIDAY: Sources and methods. OK. We’ve got it. But can you check to see if there’s any case file related to this? We don’t need to know any particulars, just whether or not you’re sure this has no basis in any of your cases.

JAMOR: I can probably do that. Let me kick this back to Manila for confirmation, but I’ll tell you right now, I don’t believe this came from us. It’s something this Timberland guy made up.

FRIDAY: It’s his creative urge, but it isn’t serving him well.

JAMOR: Huh?

FRIDAY: One of these days he’ll have to explain his creativity to a judge.

MUSIC: Stinger

FRIDAY: Thursday, September 29th, 2:32 pm.

SMITH: Hey, Joe. We just got an email from Jamor down at the embassy.

FRIDAY: Uh, huh.

SMITH: He’s says it doesn’t check out.

FRIDAY: Yeah. And when you put that together with the fact that the alleged victim was in the United States when the kidnapping supposedly happened …

SMITH: You want me to write it up?

FRIDAY: Yeah. The report will be need in court tomorrow. Maybe Timberland should have been a blacksmith.

SMITH: Oh?

FRIDAY: A blacksmith’s forging is legal.

NARRATOR: On Friday, September 30th a motions hearing was held in the Circuit Court for Montgomery County that included a motion dealing with Timberland’s forged document. In a moment, the result of that hearing.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: Mmmm, coffee. Are you a proud member of Team Lickspittle and a fan of Blognet? Why not sip your coffee from a Hogewash! Murum Aries Attigit Coffee Mug? Murum Aries AttigitRes Judicata, Team Lickspittle, The Grand Hog, Collateral Estoppel, and Johnny Atsign merchandise is available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today, spend some money, and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

NARRATOR: On Friday, September 30th a motions hearing was held in the Circuit Court of Montgomery County that included a motion dealing with Timberland’s forged document. All filings containing or referencing the document were ordered sealed, and a ruling on sanctions was deferred until a later date.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

10 thoughts on “Blognet

    • They really do live in an entirely different world, don’t they?

      We’ve all heard that line, ‘I reject your reality and substitute my own’, but it’s a -joke-, not to be taken as hard advice.

    • I read in a psychology magazine that people that spend their lives lusting after children often have other mental abnormalities such as dementia, low IQ, and just plain abject stupidity.

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