Legal LULZ Du Jour

LG16_201608152016ZYep. The Cabin Boy™ is now represented by a lawyer in LOLsuit VII: Degenerations. The court has “recruited” (involuntarily assigned?) Timothy John Cavanagh of Cavanagh Law Group to act as Schmalfeldt’s counsel.

IANAL, but my reading of FRCP 11 leads me to believe that Mr. Cavanagh must certify to the court (to the best of his knowledge, information, and belief, formed after an inquiry reasonable under the circumstances) that any representations he makes to the court on behalf of his client must

(1) it is not being presented for any improper purpose, such as to harass, cause unnecessary delay, or needlessly increase the cost of litigation;
(2) the claims, defenses, and other legal contentions are warranted by existing law or by a nonfrivolous argument for extending, modifying, or reversing existing law or for establishing new law;
(3) the factual contentions have evidentiary support or, if specifically so identified, will likely have evidentiary support after a reasonable opportunity for further investigation or discovery; and
(4) the denials of factual contentions are warranted on the evidence or, if specifically so identified, are reasonably based on belief or a lack of information.

It will be interesting to see how quickly the Amended Complaint is filed.

Or the suit is withdrawn.

UPDATE—It appears that Mr. Cavanagh has already pushed the case down the food chain at his firm to Michael J. Sorich, a junior associate.

89 thoughts on “Legal LULZ Du Jour

  1. Something to keep in mind. It’s incumbent upon any attorney to represent his or her client to the best of their abilities. And so, let’s not heap any abuse on Mr. Cavanaugh. I have a feeling he’ll be catching some from his client when he reviews everything and gives his recommendations to the Cabin Boy.

    • Abuse? Heck, there’s two teams here. Bill, and all the people more sane than he is. I see any lawyer worthy of the name as part of this team.

    • The other half of that equation is that they are to pursue the best interests of their client. That raises the question, “What is in the best interest of a man nuttier than a fruit cake?” I don’t think it is to cooperate with his nuttiness.

      • 1/2 Sanity + 1/2 Best Interest + 1/2 Billables + 1/2 Chance for a brand new (?) attorney to get pleading/court experience.

    • Of course, no abuse. But we should definitely counsel the counsels to GOOGLE BILL SCHMALFELDT. 9 restraining orders. Public figure infamous for his stalking, threatening, FAILDOXXING and harassing innocent people. Sought publicity for YEARS by posting fantasies of child rape. And that’s just for starters. 😛

  2. Right. You see a dumpster fire on wheels heading for your firm. You give it to the man who is “diligent in his investigations.”

    It would actually be in BS’s best interests to dismiss this as soon as possible, and advise him never, ever to file another lawsuit. But BS won’t believe that, and I expect long posts abusing this firm and the attorney in question before September is much advanced.

    Home, on my laptop.

    • UPDATE to the UPDATE-

      After one look at Fatboy’s “lawsuit,” Junior Associate Sorich has pushed this farther down the food chain…. Cabin Boy is now being represented by Jester T. Fuzzbucket, the derelict homeless dude who hangs around outside the Cavanagh law offices spewing fevered nonsense at people passing by.

      Jester is loco in la cabeza, but even he can see what a loser case this is and is desperately looking to dump it on the mongrel pup that just happens to be hanging around.

      • UPDATE to the UPDATE to the UPDATE-

        The partners of the firm hired to continue the case after Jester T. Fuzzbucket had been assigned, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.

        The case will be completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.

        By Ralph, the Wonder Llama.

        • Ralph is the only one allowed to spit in open court…..

          ….which he did three times … on a certain neckless toad.

          Even llamas have standards. 🙂

    • As I recall, somebody on Team Kimberlin sprung for a lawyer. That lawyer told Bill Schmalfeldt to stop doing what he is doing or he was headed into trouble.

  3. Will Schmalfeldt’s attorney be consulting with Brett ‘Speedway Bomber’ Kimberlin so that he can catch up on what this civil action is supposed to accomplish for Team Kimberlin?

  4. “It appears that Mr. Cavanagh has already pushed the case down the food chain ”

    aka hazing the new guy.

  5. Prediction:
    DF’s gonna be waving his ‘lawyer’ around like an octogenarian fan dancer for the next two weeks.
    Or until they drop him.
    Whichever comes first.

  6. Oh. Like calling the attorney who beat you handily in your last lawsuit, the “worst attorney teabagger,” and referring to his attorney-wife as a mail order bride? THAT kind of abuse? Or how about posting the photos of another attorney’s mentally handicapped son, and accusing that son of crimes? Or, how about “joking” about violence against attorney Ken White and Deputy DA Patrick Frey?
    “I say that unless someone is dragging @Popehat……and Frey OUT OF THEIR OFFICES and BREAKING THEIR KNEES WITH BASEBALL BATS because of this, then there is nothing for them to worry about. Words are just words, and they cannot harm you. “Sticks and stones,” as they say.

    Or, baseball bats.” Hee hee. So funny. That kind of abuse?

  7. If, (for example) someone decided to do an info dump to a law firm that had a client who was known to lie regularly, repeatedly and often, how many spare terabytes would the server need available? I’m thinking about information related to the 7-9 RO’s in 5(?) states and the failed LOLsuits only. I don’t think there is any need to bother anyone with potentially libelous posts on 130+ deleted Twitter feeds, the numerous deleted websites OR the fact that Microsoft closed his Outlook account for, things. The toddler stalking William Schmalfeldt is _not_ the topic of this post. Really.

      • I just did! Wow! Hogewash! is hit number 3.

        Number one is >LOLcow cults > LOLcows.

        Number two is Encyclopedia Dramatica.

        Number 4 is his “books” page on Amazon.

        Number 5 is BillySez.

        Then two from Lolcowfarms, and TMZ comes in at number 8.

        Hit 10 is

      • Cabin Boy seems not to understand that he is a criminal, with violent criminal associates, and any former prosecutor will figure that out fast.

      • Well, the bio states that Michael J Sorich specializes in wrongful death suits. It would seem that Bill Schmalfeldt’s case is out of his area of expertise. I do have a suggestion as to how Bill Schmalfeldt could peak his interest in his case, however.

        • “Michael J Sorich specializes in wrongful death suits. It would seem that Bill Schmalfeldt’s case is out of his area of expertise.”
          I don’t want to educate the monkey, but that is a very telling fact. The LULZ will be rolling in in spades pretty soon.

  8. I am so disappointed that we won’t be able to watch a live feed when the lawyer finds out that the loathsome loser is suing people with restraining orders against their vile client. And then find out there are at least NINE restraining orders from at least FIVE states against their client.

    And then find out their client has repeatedly sued these adjudicated victims already. REPEATEDLY.

    • I suspect that assigning a lawyer to Schmalfeldt will greatly enhance the efficiency of this case. Bill will still lose, of course, but at a faster speed.

    • I’d love to see his face when he realizes that his client has claimed under penalty of perjury that he is the author he’s accusing Grady of being in this case.

    • I can’t wait until they find out their client is a narcissistic, publicity-whoring, stalking, faildoxxing, harassing, childporn fantasizing, lost his Outlook account for malware/CP f5ckwit. A bit of google, a bit of LexisNexus, and their eyes will pop at just how Schmalfeldt has been the cause of his own well-deserved bad reputation.

  9. I wonder how fast BS will file a complaint with the WI Bar about the inadequacy of his ‘new’ lawyer?

    I pick 18 September 2016 in the pool.

  10. I’m sure this lawyer will do what, for example, a good criminal defense attorny does even when they know their client is guilty as hell: Represent their client. There’s no shame in it, at least not for the attorney. I’m guessing that he can’t withdraw for any reason since it was assigned to the firm.

    I’m frankly confused about which dumpster fire this is about. I swear we need a scorecard. There have been so many different things flowing around the court systems in so many states it’s like watching a juggler with 15 machetes in the air.

    • There’s representing your client, and then there’s Prenda Law. In civil litigation, is there as much of an ethical requirement/professional expectation for lawyers to pull out all the stops, even the morally/ethically shady without quite being illegal ones?

      • I think Prenda Law may not be the best example here. IIRC, that law firm was actively involved in the crime and cover up. They were essentially baiting people and then suing them when they downloaded videos that they had themselves put onto torrent sites. So they weren’t zealously representing their client, they were breaking the law.

        In this instance, they have been assigned to be lawyers. I’m sure they will do what they can ethically do under the law to represent their client. They will take it even if this is a case they never would have touched with a 10 foot pole. Even if they are 100% convinced that they are on a sinking ship, they will tune up the band and play until the water is around their ankles. After all, the state is going to pick up the tab, so why not?

        • True.

          But if the state revokes the IFP, and the bills suddenly go to a “assisted living facility” (where the person in question seems to get no assistance, whatsoever), would that cound as “water around their ankles”?

        • Well, if they begin involuntary hospitalization proceedings against Bill Schmalfeldt you will be proven right.

  11. One other thought, if BS somehow manages to win this case and cleans out his victims, then does the money get paid to the lawyers first? That would seem only fair. Why would the state take all the risk and he get all the benefit?

  12. i know someone didnt read the spoilation rules, statutes and case law in the state he filed a suit it. there are serious penalties and its a tort to boot

    • you dont want to be a plaintiff and getting caught erasinh tweets and blog posts after filing suit , its also a great reason for a probono attorney to drop a client

  13. Sorry. I can’t laugh about this.

    The government is now funding civil litigation against ordinary citizens in actions where the government is not a party. And with all due respect to Aaron, I do not believe he has experience in litigating comparable to someone who was an assistant district attorney for thirteen years.

    Was there an opinion given on why the state should subsidize this LOLsuit?

    • With only reading Bill’s side of the story (and more to the point, not seeing all the important bits he “forgot”) I guess they thought he might actually have a case. And of course they don’t want to seem soft on “cyber-bullying”.

      I assume the reason for government funding is to make the legal system available to all citizens, regardless of their financial situation. I mean, we do want this to be a country of laws, not men.

      • IANAL and have no experience in the Federal Courts, but I believe the free lawyer is granted based on the forms Bill submitted. They are available on PACER, and RECAP and Hoge may have posted them here in the past, don’t remember. The first task of the assigned attorney is to review the case for soundness. In the original order there is a meeting scheduled for September 29th with the Judge to discuss things. Some more may have been posted on the case since Hoge has mentioned the Lawyer change, there have also been date changes. I expect the lawyer could get the date changed if he or Bill had a conflict in the date. That would be the earliest the case would be dismissed.

    • The judge basically believed Bill Schmalfeldt’s lying complaint and paperwork represented a prima facie case. I doubt she had time to actually google Bill Schmalfeldt and find all of his past frivolous lawsuits; better to leave the fact-finding to an attorney. So here we are.
      DUMBF5CK will soon rue the day when “professionals” started vetting his bullshit case.

    • Couldn’t agree more with JeffM-

      “The government is now funding civil litigation against ordinary citizens in actions where the government is not a party.”


      This is dangerous stuff, folks-

      And earlier today I saw a graphic where Shakes’ pasted ‘background’ indicating the Feds ‘were looking into…’ certain groups. OMG This Administration has weaponized the bureaucracy against all the rest of us (that’s the 50%+ of the country that’s not ProgressiveSocialistCommunistLiberal.

      I’m horrified.

  14. I want to know how the state will feel when if finds out that several of the defendants have current ROs against the plaintiff, which the plaintiff failed to tell them although, at least in some jurisdictions, it’s right there on the forms, asking if the plaintiff has any current or has had any past legal dealings with the folks he/she is trying to sue.

  15. Whinetiff: “…and, and, and, then they said mean things about me!”
    Attorney: “Yes, yes, go on.”
    Whinetiff: “and, and, and, then they wouldn’t let me file my lawsuits IFP.”
    Attorney: “IFP?”
    Whinetiff: “Yes, In Forma Pauperis – surely you’ve heard of it?”
    Attorney: “Why, yes I have! When was the last time you tried this?”
    Whinetiff: “Last month. And, and, and, then they pointed and laughed at me!”
    Attorney: “Excuse me, I have to take this call.”
    Whinetiff: “That’s funny, I didn’t hear his phone ring…”

    Janitor: “We’re turning out the lights and locking up soon.”
    Whinetiff: “That’s OK. I’ll just wait for the midnight attorney to start his shift”.

    Junior Attorney: “Excuse me, are you the whinetiff?”
    Whinetiff: “Yes! Justice at last!”
    Junior Attorney: “You are hereby ordered to not approach within 100 feet of this office…”

  16. Wonder if Aaron (if he sees this comment) agrees with my assessment?

    His appointment of a lawyer could make for an interesting interlocutory appeal on “equal justice” grounds. If courts are going to appoint lawyers for civil litigants making $30,000+ and not legally impoverished according to federal poverty rates, this court and an appeals court will need to declare the right to a free attorney for all above poverty guideline civil litigants.

  17. BS’s brain cell is starting to function — he realizes he needs a lawyer to get himself out of this morass. If he is lucky he will be able to settle with all parties bearing their own legal costs. The lawyer will not want to be the immediate target of a bar complaint by trying to pursue the case.

    • He’s totally going to try to get his new welfare counsel to assist in his other cases. Its going to be exhausting for the guy to keep explaining, over and over again, that he only represents the blob on the one case . . .

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