SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
SOUND: Urban street noise in background.
JOHN: Some courthouses are easier to get in and out of than others. I’m not talking about getting through security. I’m mean that some are located in more convenient locations than others. Take the Federal Courthouse in Greenbelt. It’s located on a street that isn’t very busy and has a huge amount of on-site parking. The courthouses in Montgomery County, on the other hand, are on crowded downtown streets. I often wind up having to walk between one of the courthouses and a parking garage in bad weather. Today, at least, it isn’t raining, but it is hot.
SOUND: Urban street noise fades. Footsteps.
JOHN: It was worth the trip down from Carroll County today. It was quite a hearing. The Bomber was all alone at the plaintiff’s table, but there were so many lawyers representing defendants that they overflowed from the defendants table and most of them wound up sitting in the jury box. And they almost filled it.
SOUND: Footsteps stop. Car door open and closes. Engine starts (Interior POV).
JOHN: It really was quite a show.
SOUND: Car backs up and drives to exit (Interior POV).
JOHN: With that many possible participants, the judge ran a pretty tight hearing. Even though he was hearing the defendants motions and they would normally argue first, he said that he understood their arguments, so he let The Bomber go first.
SOUND: Car stops. Power window rolls down. (Interior POV)
ATTENDANT: Hi! I haven’t seen you for a while.
JOHN: Yeah. The cases down here have been running slowly.
ATTENDANT: Six dollars.
JOHN: Here you go.
SOUND: Window rolls up. Car pulls out. (Interior POV)
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: Here in Westminster, we’re having those pleasant summer evenings when it’s nice to sit on the porch and sip a cold drink while listening to crickets and watching the lightning bugs. I’ve been sipping mine from a Res Judicata travel mug. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
JUDGE: (Fading up) On the one hand, if the conspiracy that you allege exists, then all the conspirators are covered by res judicata if any one of them is. On the other, if the conspiracy doesn’t exist, then all the defendants whose motions to dismiss are before the court today are correct in stating that the statute of limitations has run on any claims that you might have had against them. In either case, you have failed to state a claim upon which relief can be granted.
THE BOMBER: So you’re telling me that I should have sued all of these people back in 2013.
THE BOMBER: But the federal court dismissed the state claims without prejudice.
JUDGE: And if you win your federal appeal you can have your day in court in that venue. However, under Maryland law you have failed to state a claim. Therefore, I am granting all of the motions to dismiss before the court today for failure to state a claim. Those dismissals are with prejudice. Also, since you have not established that this court has personal jurisdiction over any of these defendants who are all from out-of-state, I am also dismissing each of them for lack of personal jurisdiction.
Now, as to the remaining defendants … If everyone can have motions in by next week, we can hear them within a month or so. Mr. Clerk, what’s the next available opening on the docket?
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Bomber and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.