Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign


Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Phone rings twice. Caller’s POV.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) Hello.

JOHNNY: Aaron, it’s Johnny Atsign.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) What’s up, Johnny?

JOHNNY: Another unforced error. I think we need to get together for lunch.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of The Helpful Hint Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @DeepVote Thanks for the tip.

SOUND: Restaurant background.

HOSTESS: How many sir?

JOHNNY: Just two of us and … I see my friend is already here.

HOSTESS: I’ll send your waitress after you join him.

JOHNNY: Thanks. [Pause] Hi, Aaron.

AARON: Hi, Johnny. I brought that file you wanted. What’s up?

JOHNNY: You haven’t been by the courthouse yet, have you?

AARON: No, I was planning on stopping by on the way home.

JOHNNY: I have, and …

WAITRESS: Hi, guys. What can I get for you?

JOHNNY: A Coke Zero.

WAITRESS: And a refill on you ice tea?

AARON: OK.

WAITRESS: I’ll be right back.

JOHNNY: I stopped by yesterday and picked up certified copies of The Bomber’s latest filing.

AARON: The sanctions motion?

JOHNNY: Yeah. Let me see that file you brought.

SOUND: Pages being turned.

JOHNNY: Yeah. Just as I thought. Here, compare this one that he filed as an exhibit with the court and this notice he served on you.

AARON: They’re not the same.

JOHNNY: Uh, huh. And I’ll bet that we can find other discrepancies with other documents as well. We should go through the whole filing and …

WAITRESS: Here’s your Coke Zero. Here’s your ice tea. Do you guys need a few minutes with the menus?

AARON: Yeah. Give us a couple more minutes.

WAITRESS: Sure.

AARON: Let me put this all in my briefcase before something gets spilled. So what do you make of it?

JOHNNY: I’m not the lawyer here. You are. What do you call it when someone files a sworn statement with a court that isn’t true?

SOUND: Restaurant background out.

ANNOUNCER: It’s a warm summer evening, I’ll sitting on the porch with a cold one in my hand. I’ll keep my drink cold and my hand warm with a Team Lickspittle Thermos Can Cooler. It’s not one of those flimsy foam can wraps. It’s a solid double-wall aluminum vacuum insulated cooler made by Thermos®. It’s just one of the nifty goodies available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard-earned cash to help support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar or buy doing your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page.

SOUND: Road noise. Car interior POV.

JOHNNY: I was on the road working on another case a couple of days later …

SOUND: Cell phone rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) Johnny, it’s Aaron.

JOHNNY: Did you have everything you needed?

AARON: (Telephone Filter) More than enough. Those files about [redacted]

JOHNNY: Yeah, but they may be handy when [redacted]

AARON: (Telephone Filter) That will be up to the State’s Attorney.

JOHNNY: If that’s the case, I’m guessing that the afternoon was a success.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) Not completely, but the Commissioner did go with two out of the four possible charges: perjury and fabricating evidence. Anyway, I called to say “Thank you.” Your help made this much easier.

SOUND: Road noise out.

JOHNNY TWEETS: @TheBomber You’re in luck. Maryland’s 3-time loser law only applies to crimes of violence.

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? Truth or consequences. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

14 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

    • I don’t think he’s got any idea what winning without cheating feels like, and I doubt he’s likely to ever try to find out.

      Probably wouldn’t have worked in this case, anyway, but he may have really done himself in.

      • I plopped down in my easy chair and turned on my TV
        A bad lawslinger called Pedo Brett was chasin’ poor Sweet Sue
        He trapped her in the old sawmill and said with an evil laugh,
        “If you don’t give me a look in your pants
        I’ll saw you all in half!”
        And then he grabbed her (and then)
        He tied her up (and then)
        He turned on the bandsaw (and then, and then…!)
        [Chorus:]
        And then along came Jones
        Fat, dumb Jones
        Art stolen Jones
        Turd-rollin’ Jones
        Along came Oliver, Wendell Jones
        Commercial came on, so I got up to get myself a snack
        You should’ve seen what was goin’ on by the time that I got back
        Down in the old abandoned mine, Sweet Sue was havin’ fits
        That bomber said, “Give me a little sniff of your pants
        Or I’ll blow you all to bits!”
        And then he grabbed her (and then)
        He tied her up (and then)
        He lit the fuse to the dynamite (and then, and then…!)
        [Chorus]
        I got so bugged I turned it off and turned on another show
        But there was the same old shoot-’em-up and the same old rodeo
        Pedo Brett was tryin’ to stuff Sweet Sue in a burlap sack
        He said, “If you don’t let me put my hand down your pants
        I’m gonna throw you on the railroad tracks!”
        And then he grabbed her (and then)
        He tied her up (and then)
        He threw her on the railroad tracks (and then)
        A train started comin’ (and then, and then…!)
        [Chorus]

  1. It happens all the time in professional sports. “We’re losing! I don’t like this umpire/referee! This is all his fault! I demand that you change him out at once!”

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