Blognet


BlognetTitleCardMUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. An cyberbully is suspected of forging evidence to paint himself as a victim. Your job … help get the facts.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

FRIDAY: It was Tuesday, November 17th. It was unseasonably warm in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 1:17 pm when Liz and I entered Room S-140, the Forensics Lab.

SOUND: Door opens and closes. Footsteps across room.

LAB GUY: Hi, Liz, Joe. Thanks for coming down.

FRIDAY: Whatcha got for us, Phil?

LAB GUY: We’ve finished with those emails. This Parvocampus fellow isn’t very good at this.

FRIDAY: What’s he screwed up this time?

LAB GUY: Take a look at this image of the email up on the big monitor. It’s pretty obvious that the header and the body are in different typefaces. Now, it’s possible in many email apps to edit only part of the text, say for highlighting, but there are other discontinuities that make this look like two documents that were merged.

SMITH: Yeah, it looks pretty crude.

LAB GUY: But here’s the clincher. Look at the timestamp from the server that did the intermediate relay.

SMITH: 13:15:01 GMT.

LAB GUY: Now, check out the originating timestamp.

SMITH: 13:51:01. Oh! That’s … what .. 36 minutes later.

FRIDAY: It was relayed before it was originally sent.

LAB GUY: Nah. The header has been edited by hand, and the minutes digits were transposed. OK, but that’s not the only version of the email he posted. This version of what’s supposed to be the same email is from an earlier tweet. And the timestamp is …

SMITH: 19:42:01. That’s not even close.

FRIDAY: And it doesn’t fit the timeline he’s been trying to sell.

LAB GUY: And it’s proof that at least one version is altered. He doesn’t seem to be able to keep things straight.

SMITH: He never seems to hit what he aims for.

FRIDAY: Uh, huh. Parvocampus’ level of competence with reminds me of a ‘60s TV show.

SMITH: How’s that?

FRIDAY: He missed it by that much.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: 3:48 pm.

SMITH: OK, Joe, I’ve got the report done on the Parvocampus email forgeries. You want to take a look?

FRIDAY: There’s no rush. It’s almost quitting time for today. Let’s go over it first thing in the morning. We can send it to the forgery victim tomorrow, and she can include it in the evidence of her restraining order.

SMITH: Works for me.

FRIDAY: How many forged documents does this make for Parvocampus?

SMITH: I’ve lost count. As often as he gets caught you’d think he’d give up.

FRIDAY: It’s his creative urge, but it isn’t serving him well.

SMITH: Huh?

FRIDAY: One of these days he’ll have to explain his creativity to a judge.

NARRATOR: The forgery report was included in the evidence used by Parvocampus’ victim in seeking a Stalking No Contact Order. On January 5th, a hearing was held in the 16th Judicial Circuit, Kane County, Illinois. In a moment, the result of that hearing.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: Mmmm, coffee. Are you a proud member of Team Lickspittle and a fan of Blognet? Why not sip your coffee from a Hogewash! Murum Aries Attigit Coffee Mug? Murum Aries AttigitRes Judicata, Team Lickspittle, The Grand Hog, Collateral Estoppel, and Johnny Atsign merchandise is available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today, spend some money, and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar or by doing your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page.

NARRATOR: Parvocampus’ victim sought a Stalking No Contact Order. On January 5th, a hearing was held in the 16th Judicial Circuit, Kane County, Illinois. As a result of the evidence presented, the court issued a Stalking No Contact Order against Parvocampus for a period of two years.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

4 thoughts on “Blognet

  1. Always lies a toddler protected by a restraining order would be embarrassed to tell.

    Can you imagine a Jason Bourne story where all the government employees involved in the mandatory byzantine conspiracy were like Parvocampus? They should aim for the comedy angle one day.

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