LOLsuit VII: Degenerations

The Cabin Boy™ has filed LOLsuit VII. It’s in the Northern District of Illinois, and it names Patrick Grady and Sarah Palmer as defendants. I’ll post the complaint after I’ve reviewed and redacted it. For now, I’ll post some supporting documents.

First, a pauper’s petition from the Cabin Boy™.

Second, a motion to have an attorney assigned to represent him.

It looks like the Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt may have figured out that he is incompetent.

UPDATE—Here is the complaint.

211 thoughts on “LOLsuit VII: Degenerations

  1. I wondered how much a Scooty Puff is worth… but then figured that after any time under his fat ass, it probably has negative value.

  2. It took him less than a year to piss away the life insurance money on lulzsuits and toys?

    That sounds like Lolcow Bill.

    • Actually, on Line D he specifically denies receiving any life insurance money in the last year. Makes you wonder what day the check cleared last summer?

        • I seem to recall him waiting some weeks for the death certificate *and* his check. And then there is sale of any interest he had in Gail’s trailer home.

          • Several months, as I remember it. Gail was liberated about 54 weeks ago. The Diminished Capacity Kid fled for Wisconsin< I believe, the third week of August.

            Hey, what do you call material representations on a government document again? And what do you call it when you make said representations in search of something of value, such as a welfare lulzsuit?

          • Neal, what you are implying is for a jury to decide, not some guy on the internet.

            That’s why it’s called per jury.

            Full disclosure, IANAL.

          • More precisely, it’s for a federal magistrate to refer to the US Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois to investigate and charge.

          • Furthermore, this is the second time a DUMBFUCK has filed a fraudulent IFP application. It goes to a pattern of conduct.

            Better than that, a DUMBFUCK posted the confidential negotiation emails regarding same before he dropped everything and ran half a continent away.

            Bad faith can come back and bite a lolcow.

        • He didn’t get the check until October/November time period. Less than a year ago. Lying about something so easily verified suggests that this suit may have filed for the purpose of harassment.

          • The hilarious thing is we know this. Most people don’t publicize so much of their life.

          • Lolcow Billy isn’t just a pervert, he’s overtly exhibitionist about it!

  3. B-but what happened to all the BIG BUCK$ Bill Schmalfeldt was donating to Canticle and Juniper Courts in his will??

  4. Well now we know that 158 dollars is “a large sum” of money in the mind of Witless Willie.

  5. Hmm. He once tweeted that he had inherited a lot more than $9,000 via his late wife’s insurance, and that he could now pay for a lawyer with his “fucking pocket change.” Funny how that doesn’t show up in the form. Oh, that’s ok. It’s all in the vault. But I’m not saying where or when.

    • Nor is there any mention of Lolcow Billy giving away significant assets in the last eleven months, which I reasonably estimate to be worth about $11,000.

      Fraud is a thing that exists, you know. I thought the Diminished Capacity Kid was taught that by David Edgren.

  6. So he is filing in forma pauperis after admitting he is giving a significant sum to the place he lives upon his death?

    Sounds like he’s hiding assets. But that would imply intelligence and ability to think ahead.

    I’ll go with just plain stupid.

    • So Billy doesn’t like…
      1) being called a “child pornographer” (even though his skits depict children being made into sexual victims)
      2) being called a “toddlerstalker” (even though he’s received a Restraining Order barring him from contact with a toddler)
      3) having his public webpages watched and mocked (even though that’s what Billy does on any day ending in “y”)
      4) being visited by police [paragraph 40] (even though Billy has been repeatedly warned that his stalking and threatening behavior is criminal)
      5) having his deceased wife slimed (even though Billy attacks his victims innocent relatives on a routine basis)

      Am I missing something?

      • That the “conspiracy” he alleges is exactly what he claimed he was doing when he said he was Paul Krendler.

      • Paragraph 35 – “Yea, you can google me but all those people are RWNJs”
        Paragraph 36 – “Really, I spend all my time for the good of humanity”

        Can’t make this stuff up.

        • Oooooh, he’s asking the court to have a consultant clean up his image on the internet. Uh, how’s that going to work when there are dozens of people w’re pointing and laughing, yet you’re only suing 2 of them?

          “Excuse me sir, could you please take down your page about Bill Schmalfeldt?”
          “No. And by contacting me you’re violation of a restraining order.”

          • Billy: “Your honor, how can I clean up my internet image?”
            Court: “Have you tried NOT acting like a drunken psychotic stalking perverted arsehole?”

        • Evolutionary theory would offer that all past harms are the reason for humanity’s present fitness. So the good of humanity argument may past muster, from a “Vader killed your father” level of straight talking.

  7. So he claims it’s because the defendants don’t have deep pockets. Maybe. Or maybe the lawyers he spoke to worked out what the score really is.

  8. Some boxes are checked. Some have Xs marked through them. Ergo, Biwwy Schmallballz filled this form out because it is sufficiently different that the various alcohol-induced personalities each had a shot at the apple!

    • “Some boxes are checked. Some have Xs marked through them.”

      He missed one.

      –> “I declare that my ability to speak, write, and/or read English is limited because English is not my primary language. (Check only if applicable.)”

  9. In all seriousness, though


    Take the ram through the gate, Grady & Palmer. (That’s not a euphamism, Billy McShakedouche, so put your pants back on.)

  10. About time – we’ve been telling the fat freak for years that it’s incompetent (and revolting) and to get a lawyer!

    • He won’t get a lawyer, I think we can all be certain of that. If one is appointed, the first thing he’ll advise is dropping the suit and apologizing profusely and Bill will then fire him and make up some BS sob story to the court about how he tried but he’s just a poor disabled drunk and everyone is out to get him or some such crap.

      • This is why I’m kind of hoping he gets a lawyer appointed. He needs the advice, and we need more popcorn.

        • I’d love to know where he got the idea that the plaintiff in a civil suit is entitled to a court-appointed attorney.

          And why he isn’t required to get pre-clearance before filing. Oh, maybe he expects that to be one of the penalties for his stunts in the previous lolsuit, so he decided to file before it was imposed!

  11. I can’t wait to see Willie argue the rather convoluted law concerning when the state must pay an attorney to represent an indigent party in a civil case in which the state is neither a party nor acting on behalf of one party.

    • But, his liberty is at stake! How will he stalk people if there are pages documenting his abuses?

      • And how is he supposed to find a new female slave on OurTime if those pesky lickspittles are spreading inconvenient TRUTHS about him?!

      • Oh wow. I misread the cases. I read those cases and saw that people were being threatened with potential incarceration for failure to pay child support and things like that. I was thinking of liberty in way too restricted sense. His libery to bring silly LOLsuits will be abridged because when he represents himself they all get tossed on motions to dismiss.

        Sorry to mislead everyone.

  12. *squints*

    He’s stating that he received, via Social Security and disability, almost $36,000 last year, but he wants IFP? Can he get that? I would assume IFP would be for people who are literally so broke the decision is ‘do I pay the water bill or do I eat this week?’.

    • Pretty much tells us that 1) Billy knows his lolsuit has ZERO merit and 2) he doesn’t want to risk losing another chunk of change when this lolsuit gets shiite-canned. 😛

      • But it is an excellent opportunity to hang lots of privileged ad homs and scurrilous defamatory attacks on his perceived tormentors.

        Can you say sanctions?

        • Question: does the privileged nature of filings hold if the filings are not made in good faith? If the suit is intended to be vexatious, shouldn’t the privilege be lost?

          • INAL nor did I stay in a Holiday Inn Express. Fortunately several Lickspittles have passed the Bar in various jurisdictions.

        • Logically, sooner or later he’s going to run into a judge that takes exactly that attitude. I guess that’s the point of continuing to file lawsuits all over the place.

        • This will be struck or sealed. Irrelevant, impertinent, scurrilous and scandalous ad hominem attacks. This is a vile, nasty, unacceptable piece of garbage.

          Phone and train.

    • He’s so desperate for any kind of victory that he’s trying, and failing, to fashion even a moral one.

    • This is like walking into the ring with Evander Holyfield and tripping over your own feet and knocking yourself out *after* Evander told you your shoes were untied.

      And then claiming that Evander is a horrible boxer because he never landed a punch.

    • The real reason he lost is because Aaron Walker filed a motion with which the court agreed, thereby kicking BS’s ass.

    • He lost because he’s a drunk and an idiot. And a maniac.

      It’s pretty interesting combination.

    • Hey Dumbf*ck, does this ring a bell?

      NOW, THEREFORE, IT IS HEREBY ORDERED that the defendants’ motions to dismiss for lack of personal jurisdiction (Docket # 11, 39) are GRANTED.

      That was Aaron’s boot landing in your ass.

    • He seems to think that losing on jurisdiction shows that his suit had merit. Actually, the decision pointed out as dicta that one of his claims rested on a tort not even recognized in the forum state, which shows decisively what the judge thought of the merits of at least one of his claims.

      So far he has shown himself incompetent at civil procedure. Maybe he will do better this time. If so, we shall see how well he has boned up on evidence: I hear that Evidence for Dummies is being used in all the best law schools these days..

      • No surprise there. After all, Bill Schmalfeldt is such a moron he’s shown himself unable to parse such basic logic as AND and OR 😀

        • “After all, Bill Schmalfeldt is such a moron he’s shown himself unable to parse such basic logic as AND and OR”

          He is still trying to figure out what it means to “embrace the power.”

          Surely it has to have something to do with boy scouts, right?

  13. It funny, but reading between the lines of his trumpeting a legal third part contact of persons protected from contact restraining orders, that he thought he had obtained, or would obtain, legal counsel. And of course none would want anything to do with him.

    I wonder if Bill knows that one way ( especially on avvo and similar services, but also in common practice) attorneys get crazies to help themselves by not pursuing a bad case or get tragic crazies away from the office is to demand a large retainer ot gently explain reasons why a case cannot be taken on contingency, and even if it could be, the client must front costs. ( filing fees, etc)

      • Yep. The Deranged Cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt has threatened me numerous times with lawsuits, and has actually added me to two of his LOLSuits (V and VI).

        Not to mention that he tweeted just yesterday that “[I] have forfeited the right to be dealt with fairly…”

        So he’s going to what? DEAL WITH ME… UNFAIRLY? And, in exactly what manner does he plan on DEALING WITH ME considering he didn’t add me to his latest LOLSuit?

        I will most certainly take an interest in Bill Schmalfeldt… particularly his lawfare and THREATS.

        • Yep. I was a named defendant in I and VI. I too pay attention when he threatens to sue multiple parties for the fun of it. I’m pleasantly surprised that he didn’t threaten me in that little diatribe of his.

          He really, really can’t stand women who have been more successful in their lives than he has.

          • I was only named in VI and I’m assured that a Golden Showers Schmalfeldt really doesn’t like me, probably because he doesn’t recognize classic charm when he sees it.

          • More proof of insanity and FAIL. No sane person could FAIL to be impressed by your charm and wit.

          • $158 in the bank – my kids were more successful than that by their first birthday, and their total assets were worth more by the time they were 10, max. Their video games alone probably totaled more than the loathsome loser’s entire net worth. And none of it was bought with blood money.

  14. With great respect and affection for both defendants, and all due deference and then some for them suffering continued harassment, and all of the aggravation, distress, and their frustration at the circumvention of the restraining orders yet again, I just gotta say: I literally lol’d reading that ridiculous complaint. Repeatedly.

    • Don’t forget he claimed to be Paul Krendler, and involved in a conspiracy to drive traffic to his blog — exactly who and what he says he’s suing over.

      AISMTD, I can’t wait to see how he explains that away.

  15. Well, isn’t this interesting! One of the judges involved in this case is a woman and we ALL know how much respect and consideration The Johnnie Walker Red Baron gives women, especially female judges.
    It’s a good thing TJWRB deletes his tweets and websites regularly, to eliminate any traces of compromising information.
    Wait, what? Archives going back HOW far? WOW! I guess there is only one thing to say:

  16. Um, paragraph 11 in Billy’s sh*tfest:

    “11. Defendants are free to hold whatever personal opinion they care to hold. However, the Supreme Court decided in Milkovich v. Lorain Journal Co., 497 U.S. 1 (1990)

    the Court immunized only pure, evaluative opinion. Thus, a pure, deductive opinion.
    which is provable as true or false on the basis of objective evidence, carries no immunity.
    One asserting such an opinion is subject to liability under the same constitutional protections
    that apply to all factual assertions. (Id.)”

    Now, from page 474 of “A Matter of Opinion: Milkovich Four Years Later,”
    by Kathryn Dix Sowle (William & Mary Bill of Rights Journal [Volume 3,
    Issue 2] ):

    “…the Court immunized only pure, evaluative opinion. Thus, a pure, deductive opinion,
    which is provable as true or false on the basis of objective evidence, carries no immunity.
    One asserting such an opinion is subject to liability under the same constitutional protections
    that apply to all factual assertions.”

    Plagiarism much?

  17. Paragraph 3 is truly nasty. I’m sure the judges will be swayed by “according to her ex” as documentation. Judges, of all people, know divorces are kind, polite affairs and ex spouses never ever lie.

  18. “34. If readers are left to rely on the writing of Defendants to
    form an opinion about [Bill Schmalfeldt], they will come away
    with the conclusion that [Bill Schmalfeldt] is a cyberstalker
    who harasses his victims by stalking them, with his deranged
    love of child pornography that should be enough reason to
    have him evicted from his residence.”

    Um…yeah? And the problem with that is…?
    I know this case won’t get far, but it would be MEGALULZ to dump
    all the evidence supporting this OPINION into the court records…

    • That’s because it is. He snipped the header and snipped the donation section to make it look like it’s a single page.

  19. “40. Plaintiff…has been threatened with eviction because of
    the false allegations made by Defendants.”

    Wait. Is this the same Bill Schmalfeldt who was just tweeting this just 3 DAYS ago??

  20. Paragraph 3… you know what is not and has not been an enlistment option for over 30 years? “Join the Army or go to jail.”

    • He thinks threatening a nuclear strike, against someone who already has a restraining order against him, who he is now also sueing (again) is a good idea.

    • Your text says airburst nuclear strike…. and yet you Photoshop’d a ground strike.

      You know about as much regarding nuclear weapons as you do about anything else.


      Thanks for reinforcing the concept of you being a clueless dolt.

  21. You know what they teach in law school? That posting a photo of your bare naked ass on Twitter is classy, and including the photo as an exhibit is a winner for sure.

  22. “Upon information and belief, they made fun of me for holding my wife in my arms drunkenly ranting on the Internet at 8:30 in the morning as my soulmate died. And calling my kidfucking komedy pornography just because it isn’t well written, produced, voiced, or funny. Of course, I’m going to fail to join literally hundreds of necessary parties because i’m drunk, lazy and incredibly – almost comically – stupid.

    Can I have $1.7 million now?”

    There. I just boiled down Lulzsuit VII: The Windy Plaintiff (Sorry, John, I like my title better) to its bare essentials.

    Although I’m disappointed that the “cult” didn’t make an appearance. What happened to the fucking cult?

      • If I recall, what happened first was Hoge said “go away and leave me alone”.

        Pretty much all that’s followed, including any and all negative health effects would logically follow from not respecting that request. Heck, how many of those posts that you get when you google would never exist if he’d just gone away when asked?

      • Flynnbsb – note that hysterical tweet was from 2013. Clearly, death wasn’t imminent, as the loathsome loser tried to portray its vile self then.

  23. 6) Defendant Grady lives in the forum state of Illinois, Defendant Grady resides in North Carolina
    ??? Where does he live??
    7) Defendants Grady and Johnson

    I don’t see Johnson listed as a defendant….. D.F, skills as to copy and pasting leave much to be desired,, LOL

    • DUMBFUCKs, as they say, gotta DUMBFUCK.

      But there’s some more of that quality GS-13 writing-editing skills that made the United States government the most comprehensible entity on earth.

      To be fair, i’ll point out that the Diminished Capacity Kid spelled his own name correctly each and every time in this lulzsuit. That’s not always a given.

      On the other hand, he made innumerable assertions, upon information and belief, that he can never hope to prove. Mostly because he seems to really enjoy lying.

      Silly lolcow.

    • I caught that too! “Who the fuck is Johnson?” is what the judge or clerk will think.

    • See, now he’s going to have to amend the complain, screw up service, and opposing counsel will have to clean up the hash he’s made of the docket.


  24. Nice to see that Paragraph 27 is a lie. She had no way of knowing who Bill was going to be “dating”. It’s not her fault that this lady had the smarts to look Bill up on the internet. However I seriously doubt that would be the first hit on the Dumbfuck. Just Google him and all of the results shows him in an unflattering light especially when they all quote him accurately. He’s just mad he wasn’t able to perform that night.

    • [stupid fat fingers]

      that he had a college degree. Now he is saying under penalty of perjury that he only completed high school. That can’t be right. William “I want to urinate on children” Schmalfeldt wouldn’t lie would he?

      Also, he can’t even be assed to list out WHAT firms he talked to that turned him down. Yet another lie? Hmmmm

  25. Good old World’s Stupidest Man™ making a claim then blowing it out of the water with his own exhibit. While I feel very sorry for the defendants having to defend themselves against the vile freak yet again, the LULZ

    41. As Plaintiffs wife lay dying on the morning of June 17,2015, on information and belief, Defendant Grady, using one of his many pseudonymous account online, sent an e-mail to Plaintiff asking: “Could you get the old girl to hang on for another day? I have the 18th in the Death Pool.”

    Exhibit C
    But do you know right before she died I got an email from Howard Earl asking if I would ask Gail to hold out one more day because he had the 18th in the pool?

  26. I just had a thought: He’s asking the court for a lawyer, but he’s already written and filed his lawsuit… so why does he need the lawyer now? Shouldn’t he have asked the court first?

    I mean, he’s not going to get a lawyer, but doesn’t filing start all sorts of clocks running? Wouldn’t that give a mythical court appointed attorney much less time to clean up this mess?

    • As a matter of fact, I believe the clock started ticking on Golden Showers Schmalfeldt to serve the defendants today. I don’t believe his begging for lulzsuit welfare stops that in any way. And since he’s filing in Grady’s state (although, for all anyone knows, Grady may have moved), that’s a pretty short clock and a DUMBFUCK doesn’t have the money for process servers.

      So, yes, he’s an idiot. Oopsie poopsie.

      But I think everybody’s missing the truly spectacular stupidity underlying all of this.

      We all know that this is vexatious horseshit based entirely on revenge and impotent rage, mostly because the Diminished Capacity Kid has actually said so repeatedly. Who files a lawsuit and says beforehand that they never intend on showing up in court?

      Here’s my point, and it’s an AWESOME one.

      Who went broke during these legal misadventures?

      So far as I’m aware, everybody involved in this nonsense can afford to go the movies, except for one guy. And that one guy is on the edge of default in Maryland and could imminently be facing sanctions in Wisconsin.

      And by bringing himself to the attention of what seems to be really mean people at Kiwi Farms over the last couple of days, the Johnnie Walker Red Baron’s butthurt is probably only just beginning, without any of us lifting a finger.

      Bill Schmalfeldt has effectively destroyed himself.

      Silly lolcow.

      • Demented psychostalker Bill Schmalfeldt has pissed away his money on his attempts to bully his critics into silence.

        How long before he pisses away his freedom, too? That depends on how long it takes before his R.O.-covered victims start filing appropriate police reports.

  27. On July 9, Bill Schmalfeldt publicly stated (on Twitter) that his landlord loves him, and he has willed a large sum of money to them. And then in this court case, he pleads for pauper status, and that he is close to being evicted because people have contacted his landlord. He has now made his landlord (the nuns who own his apartment complex) complicit in financial fraud and perjury, as they are helping him hide money from the courts, and supporting him in his lies about eviction in a court document. Since he mailed these instruments to the court, he has also possibly committed mail fraud.

    I may spend some time today writing a letter to the Sisters, asking them if they are aware of the severe legal peril Bill has just exposed them to.

    Bill also complained in the suit of the police visiting him several times. I believe Wisconsin has a law that states if the police visit a residence three or more times to restore order or enforce the law (such as serving warrants or court orders), the property owner can be held financially responsible for all costs associated with those visits. Looks like the nuns will be making even less money off Bill’s rent.

    • “Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.”
      ― André Malraux

      Substitute a specific name where appropriate.

      This could develop into a running feature!

      • BILL SCHMALFELDT publicly wrote about cub scouts engaged in sex acts, wrote about cub scouts being urinated on, publicly offered to urinate on children, wrote an anal rape fantasy or confession that got the loathsome loser banned from Daily KOS, writes about crapping its pants, urinating on its vile self and wearing adult diapers… I could go on, but my point is that if the creeptastic coward is hiding anything, I certainly don’t want to know how much more depraved and perverted the fat freak is secretly.

    • “and he has willed a large sum of money to them”

      I wonder if he included any of his enemies wives in that will.

    • Hmmm… wonder how much patience Canticle and Juniper Courts will have with Bill Schmalfeldt when they start getting the bill$ from the police department…

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