BlognetTitleCardMUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. An infamous cyberstalker has filed a bar complaint against a First Amendment lawyer. Your job … help get the facts.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

FRIDAY: It was Tuesday, July 5th. It was hot and muggy in Westminster. We were working the night watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 3:53 pm when I entered Room S-140, Internet Detail.

SOUND: Door opens and closes. Footsteps across room.

WILSON: … OK, Bill. I’m sure we’ve got some useful information. I’ll ask the night shift to work something up for you … Yeah, we’ll send whatever we’ve got … Sure thing … Goodbye

SOUND: Chair pulled out. Telephone receiver hung up.

WILSON: Hi, Joe.

FRIDAY: Hey, Frank. What was that all about?

WILSON: That was Bill Arnold down in Richmond. They’ve been asked to look into the Internet angle on a bar complaint. They think we can help.


WILSON: The complainant is Parvocampus. They are looking for any connections he might have to this guy.

SOUND: Page torn off note pad.

FRIDAY: Oh, yeah.

SOUND: Door opens and closes. Footsteps across room.

SMITH: Hi, Frank, Joe. What’s up?

SOUND: Chair pulled out.

FRIDAY: Frank just got a little project for us. Here. Take a look.

SMITH: Not again!

WILSON: I’ll just leave that for you two.

SOUND: Chair pushed back.

SMITH: Gee, thanks, Frank.

SOUND: Footsteps across room.

WILSON: Always glad to be of service.

SOUND: Door opens and closes.

SMITH: Let me get this straight. Parvocampus has filed a bar complaint against the lawyer for the defendants in the case he just lost.

FRIDAY: That’s about the size of it.

SMITH: Is he ever going to learn?

FRIDAY: I doubt it. His level of ignorance is probably too great to be overcome.

SMITH: You’d think he’d eventually learn a lesson.

FRIDAY: Ignorance will usually respond to a dose of education, but not in Parvocampus’ case.

SMITH: How’s that?

FRIDAY: You can’t cure stupid.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: 7:48 pm.

SMITH: OK, Joe, I think I’ve got all the files that relate to Parvocampus and that Virginia lawyer. It’s several gigabytes. There’s no way we can email it.

FRIDAY: I knew it would be big, but that much?

SMITH: Parvocampus spews a lot of stuff. Almost all of it is his material.

FRIDAY: Hmmm. Let’s put it in a dropbox and send the link to Bill. I guess you should ask him if he wants us to mail him a DVD as well.

SMITH: I’m sure he’ll just be so pleased to have to plow through all of Parvocampus’s BS.

FRIDAY: Yeah, I feel a bit sorry for Bill. But look on the bright side for us.


FRIDAY: Someone else gets to deal with Parvocampus for a change.

NARRATOR: Bar complaints in Virginia are handled by the Virginia State Bar, an agency of that state’s Supreme Court. In a moment, a description of the process.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: Here in Westminster, we’re having those pleasant summer evenings when it’s nice to sit on the porch and sip a cold drink while listening to crickets and watching the lightning bugs. I’ve been sipping mine from one of the brand new Murum Aries Attigit tea tumblers. It keeps my iced tea cool in the summer, and it will keep my tea hot this winter. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store.  Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re both ways you can support the Team.

NARRATOR: Bar complaints in Virginia are handled by the Virginia State Bar, an agency of that state’s Supreme Court. Incoming complaints are first reviewed for assure jurisdiction, then a response is sought from the respondent. Next, the Bar Counsel reviews the matter for potential rule violations and will either close the case or refer the matter for further investigation and review by a committee of lawyers and non-lawyers. The committee will either close the case or hold a hearing. Parvocampus’ complaint is still under review for jurisdiction.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

20 thoughts on “Blognet

  1. …or they could just google “Bill Schmalfeldt” for the executive summary.

    Don’t fret Bill, it might be fun!

  2. I’m certain that the VA Bar will be deeply interested in Cabin Boy’s WI butthurt. Meanwhile:

    As opposed to the [redacted] that just shot 11 cops in an effort to start a race war.

    Shakey, it is truly time for you to avail yourself of THE CURE.

  3. Well, personally, I would rather take restaurant recommendations from a man who doesn’t roll and sniff his own poo, and write obsessively about eating poo.

  4. BS is in big trouble if he uses third parties to contact anyone who holds a restraining order against his unwelcome contact. That especially includes his coterie of frenemy/handlers.

    • Having a 3rd party make the contact is definitely a breach of the order, but contact away . (The hole keeps getting bigger) .

      And does he really think someone else will do that for him?

      The rest of the pirate crew will laugh and point if he does. They know how much legal shit that will cause them, and they will let Bill go down by himself.

  5. Of all of Cabin Boy’s bizarre delusions, his delusion that Aaron’s perfectly legitimate settlement offer will result in any discipline at all has to be among the most bizarre.

    Its the kind of delusion that only two utter psychopaths could convince each other the validity of ….

  6. Have the few functional neurons that Witless calls a brain yet let him realize that he has almost guaranteed a request for sanctions against him, that the probability of the request being granted has been materially increased, and that he has voluntarily subjected himself to the jurisdiction of the Virginia courts?

    He claims not to drink. Frankly, he would not seem to be such a complete horse’s ass if he blamed some of his more inane decisions on demon rum.

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