I’m Not Making This Up, You Know


The Cabin Boy™ has filed a pair of frivolous bar complaints against Aaron Walker.

I suppose this is what he thought would be Hell raining down.

BTW, I read over the settlement the Cabin Boy™ was offered. I doubt that he will ever see such a generous one ever again.

UPDATE—MU201607051859Zgas_stove_burner_s1As a matter of fact, the bar complaints were foreseen. It’s a common tactic employed by Team Kimberlin.

That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire,
And the burnt Fool’s bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire …

169 thoughts on “I’m Not Making This Up, You Know

  1. Let me guess: Bill got a settlement to end all this litigious nonsense and he somehow deemed it as extortion. Then he tries to paint the picture as himself, once again, a victim, even though he dooms all his own legal affairs because he isn’t smart enough to stop nor seek the advice of a good lawyer. When he does ask a(n internet) lawyer, he fails to proffer all the details, instead only sharing enough to get the answer he wants.

    This song and dance is deja vu all over again. I’m guessing he just loves all the finger pointing mockery from everyone.

  2. I’m certain that the bar will sit up and take notice about a complaint from a losing pro se looking to get out from a settlement agreement before that attorney files for sanctions from the court. I suspect they’ll have a crack team of investigators on this by Thursday. Friday at the latest.

    Interesting to note that he makes the statement that this is a concluded case, but elsewhere leaves the door open to refile in another jurisdiction. Seems like a competent attorney might want to head that off before it becomes an issue for his clients.

    You know, like by requesting a settlement agreement to prevent it from happening.

    • Indeed, attorney regulation will only open a matter if the original complaint describes an actual potential ethical violation – then they will request a response from the subject attorney.

      Cabin Boy’s “complaint” is most likely to be dismissed without even that. Its frivolous like all his nonsense.

      • But, he’s gonna win! He’s right! Just like he was right about the court forcing Aaron to withdraw as counsel, that the tort of false light invasion of privacy exists, that Wisconsin had jurisdiction over the defendants, that Hoge would lose on BS’s motion to dismis….

        Oh, wait.

        He lost all of those. Every single one.

      • Aren’t there penalties for filing frivolous Bar complaints?

        Seems to me there must be, or every case would end with a flurry of complaints.

        • No, I would think not, in this case, except in that the complaint may figure in the sanctions process, as evidence of Schmalfeldt’s bad faith in negotiations. I think the Bar itself only has consequential authority over its member attorneys, so an out-of-state dumbass like Schmalfeldt can expect only to be ignored by them, no matter how idiotic and malicious his complaints.

        • The frivolously targeted attorney has remedies. For example, if someone were to file a frivolous bar complaint against a Virginia attorney, that attorney could sue the person. In Virginia. Wouldn’t it be funny if BS was being sued in Maryland, Wisconsin, Virginia, NC, Tennessee, Massachusetts,and Illinois, all at the same time? But, what do I know? Jaut a “lickspittle.”
          Oh. I forgot Alaska.

      • It’s like he thinks that a secret Star Chamber is going to be convened and take ONLY HIS WORD for things. And not, like, you know, look at the email chain. That got forwarded to the clients. And to other lawyers. Who have copies.

        What’s that again? Oh yeah.

        OOPSIE POOPSIE!

        • I’m sure he thinks Aaron will…oh, what’s that word? It’s been tossed about quite a lot lately…like when someone falls down a deep crack in the Earth’s crust, where are they?

          In default?

          Isn’t DUMBFUCK in default?

          Surely even The Worst Lawyer In The World wouldn’t be that big an idiot…

          That would really require a back-end-of-the-bell-curve, true blue 1%er idiot to accomplish that feat. Like the brain trust over at Team Pedo.

  3. “I asked an attorney….”

    Right.

    I wonder what sort of distorted question he asked on Avvo (or whatever that site is.)

      • That’s hilarious. He completely misrepresented the “answer” he got. The ethical rules cited were applicable to the person filing the frivolous pleading – ie., Cabin Boy.

      • “Now, the otherwise unemployed attorney who took the case for the defendants wants me to send him $X,000 and to submit to other conditions, or he will seek sanctions from the judge. If I don’t agree to the terms, he will seek sanctions against me in excess of $X,000.”

        This retard wrote for a living?

    • “Dear Mommy AVVO,

      I am a retired government hack with stage XLIX and a dead wife who likes to file frivolous and incomprehensible lawsuits against people on the Internet because I’m lonely and that’s what Al Gore invented the Internet for. Oh, and dating! Did you know that I’m pretending that a woman is going out with me on Friday? I sure hope it’s a woman, especially after Japan.

      Anyhoo, my latest Lulzsuit lawsuit (Dammit, now even I’m calling them that) turned out to be the disaster that everyone said it would be. I’ll note, however, that I didn’t lose on the merits. I never do. I lose because I’m drunk, certifiably fucking crazy, and have a bad, bad case of the stupids. Parkinson’s is hardly my only disability, or even the most crippling one.

      After my most recent humiliating loss (and this is my sixth one. Once I hit ten, I don’t have to pay filing fees anymore because I entertain the clerks even more than I do the defendants), the opposing lawyer offered me a settlement agreement that would require me to give up stuff! imagine THAT, if you will.

      I’m not going to provide a copy of the settlement offer because my mother didn’t raise a fool, just a lunatic drunk who enjoys joking about child molestation.

      Is that kosher? If you say that it’s unusual, I’ll take that to mean that it’s EXTORTION because bar associations like a laugh just as much as court clerks and judges do.

      Semper Fi (Did I mention that I ended the Lebanese Civil War all by myself?)

      William M. Schmalfeldt
      St. Francis, Wisconsin”

        • “P.S: Because I’m naughty, I put on my dating profile that I did the nasty with my sainted dead wife on the first date, just to put it out there.

          Maybe I’ll get catfished on Friday. I don’t know what that is, but it sure sounds kinky!”

          • “Just Google me! You’ll understand where the restraining orders came from when you don’t answer my calls.

            I’ll just let my art speak for itself.”

          • Something I just notice: he’s spattered in blood, carrying the freshly severed heads of Teletubbies, but says “they” murdered the Teletubbies.

            Coming upon that scene, I’d have to assume “they” are the voices in his head.

          • We really should figure out a way to to make Bill’s own album artwork the top Google search result for his name. It is, after all, his own creation.

            I suggest that every post about him have it embedded.

      • and a dead wife who likes to file frivolous and incomprehensible lawsuits against people on the Internet

        I bet she votes Democrat, too.

  4. I only see a great lawyer who kicks ass and ethically lawyering. If he thought that was bad he should read copyright settlement offers and other demand letters. Aaron was actually pretty darn nice about it.

    If that’s “HELL” then Hell is nipply.

    Oh, and I think he might’ve just got himself into some trouble again and not necessarily with the Judge in WI.

    • “Aaron was actually pretty darn nice about it.”

      That’s what struck me.

      And it’s what makes the entire complaint so hilarious. He’s demanding the bar sanction a lawyer for that.

      • Hmm, when you put it that way… maybe he’s got a point, and the bar does have a vested interest in sanctioning lawyers who are too nice. It could ruin the reputation of the whole profession.

  5. Well, we have an answer to the age old question of “How much dumb could a DUMBFUCK fuck if a DUMBFUCK could fuck dumb?” I guess there’s that.

    Onward and upward with the child rape comedian’s Lulzsuit VII, which I can only imagine will be even more glaringly stupid.

    Is it wrong that the Yokohama Casanova brings much so much joy after so many years?

  6. Yes, a bunch of people foresaw it. In fact, as soon as it was revealed that Aaron was representing the defendants, people were predicting this. Does BS realize that his actions have now given Virginia courts personal jurisdiction over him? Hmm?

  7. So Bill Schmalfeldt was offered a confidential way to limit the damages he will potentially have to pay for his bogus lawsuit, and he tried to turn that into sanctions against the opposing lawyer? It seems like Bill has a really hard time dealing with opposing lawyers – I’m thinking back to his email exchanges with David Edgren. He just can’t admit he is stupid about the law compared to what an actual lawyer knows.

    • Yup. He tried to do the exact same thing to David. It’s a pattern. You see, Bill CLAIMS to be smart. But then he does the same sort of things over and over and over again and is SURPRISED that people actually realized that he probably was going to do that.

      He’s so predictable. *yawn*

    • I don’t know about you, but personally I see reason for *somebody* to evaluate Bill Schmalfeldt’s mental status. Because WTFBBQ???

      • Well, I’m not a mental health professional and I didn’t even stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night, but I feel like I’m on pretty solid ground when I express my opinion that…

        William M. “Bill” Schmalfeldt, Sr. of St. Francis, Wisconsin is certifiably bat-guano pho king (and I’m not talking about a rice noodle monarch) INSANE.

        • If I owned a furniture store, I would hire Bill Schmalfeldt in a heartbeat.

          Because he not just stupid, he’s SOFA KING STUPID!!

      • If the Deb Frisch case is any guide, Bill Schmalfeldt won’t be forced into any psych evaluation unless and until he’s arrested and prosecuted in a CRIMINAL court.

        This means Schmalfeldt’s victims will have to start filing police reports.

        So far, they haven’t, for reasons which escape me.

        • Because, at least in CT, even though his behaviour towards me broke several laws, since he lived out of state LE couldn’t be bothered since it was just a misdemeanor. In general they won’t prosecute for online harassment unless the harasser is either a family member or someone the harassee has been in “an intimate relationship” with. (All together now: EWWWWW!!!)

          Since I was in school full time (and unemployed) I wasn’t in a position to travel to Maryland to prosecute a case against him, nor could I afford to hire a local lawyer to deal with it for me.

          I suspect many of Bill’s victims face similar problems when trying to get the criminal justice system involved.

          • In the case of Deb Frisch, she didn’t get a psych evaluation until she started threatening police and politicians.

            Some animals are more equal…

          • Aim his harassment at court personnel and/or LE and I bet they start to care real quick. Remember there are different rules for the little people than for the the connected. (See Hillary Clinton skating on behavior that would get ANY ordinary person jailed pronto.)

    • Cabin Boy doesn’t seem to realize that coupled with the Avvo “answer”, his stupidity is even more manifest. The rules he cited were about filing frivolous pleadings and lying to the court. Which had nothing to do with Cabin Boy’s”extortion” nonsense and everything to do with Cabin Boy’s misconduct.

  8. Forseen, expected to the degree that documents where already drawn up that only required search and replace on the date field, po-tae-toe, po-ta-toe

  9. Pingback: The Hounds of War – A Thousand Dollars is Too Little | Dave Alexander & Company with David Edgren and Gus Bailey – The Artisan Craft Blog

    • Hey, Bill — I declare your complaint frivolous, too!

      And I’ll declare it the work of a moron, spewed onto paper with all the care most people give to the marks they leave on toilet paper.

      • Crawford, please consider your audience; or at least your adressee, when phrasing such comments.

    • I’m still mystified by this fascination that he has for Hoge “rewriting laws”. Hoge is looking at a statute and reading it and interpreting it to be something favorable to himself and his case. If he’s wrong, he’ll get somehow admonished by the judge, either by losing his case or a slap-down or something like that. It’s something that happens all the time.

      The one time I was involved in a legal matter, the case boiled down to a single paragraph in the original contract that my business partner and I had signed. Despite the opposing council being the same ones that drafted and approved the contract, there was a profound disagreement on what it meant. That’s why we needed to get a judge involved. (Never went that far, he settled out of court). Strangely, neither me, my former business partner nor either of the attorneys were referred for a mental health exam over it.

      • Funny thing, one of the main symptoms of mental illness is the belief that everyone else is crazy.

        • Conversely, one of the signs of a healthy mental outlook is occasionally questioning one’s own sanity.

          No joke.

          In light of FBI Director Comey’s announcement to day, I pronounce myself fit as the proverbial fiddle!

          • If I were Shakey I’d get in contact with Evita’s, I mean Hillary’s, lawyers. Since they’re all free now-

            Well, maybe not free but available. Surely they’d jump to help such a excellent progressive fellow.

          • It’s Catch-22–you’d have to be crazy to want to keep flying more missions.

  10. I find it telling that Bill did not include his congratulatory email. I suspect it demonstrates less than clean hands.

  11. Clicked on Bill’s lawyer and LegalGems is what? AN EXPERIENCED STATE BAR FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY. Good job, Bill, you walked yourself into another world of hurt by leaving out important information like what federal circuit and relying on an expert in inapplicable field. Aaron will educate you on this at his own leisure. You’re going to curse Wisconsin and the county you live in.

    And Bill #1 question and you’re a flaming pussy if you don’t answer; How good could a lawyer be if they’re anonymous and writing for Just Answer? I would dare say your attorney practice isn’t all that good if you’re writing for answer sites and attorneys on them are basically unemployed. I don’t see the “world’s worst Attorney” online prostituting and begging himself for positive ratings. Please, please client give me a thumbs up isn’t the sign of a good attorney.

    • I do hope the relevant bar associations ask Oliver Wendell Jones specifically which lawyer he got his advice from.

      Wasn’t Ely available?

    • Bill neglected to give that lawyer enough detail to answer the question properly. In the past, Aaron has stated quite specifically exactly what gives the defendants the right to seek fees in this case. BS didn’t like it, I guess, so he’s ignoring it. Please do not educate him.

    • It is also the internet, being semi-anonymous even when you have a handle is part of the whole package… so maybe you do see that… and that would certainly be Trolling level: Expert!

  12. Impressive how dumb that is. He quite reasonably lays out the best and worst case scenarios, the fact that he has had to work on the case and suggests that rather than risk some quite adverse outcomes, they come to an agreement in the middle with terms that are pretty favorable to the Blob.

    Oh, and I also love it how it’s tacitly mentioned that there’s already a restraining order against him.

    This is possibly one of the finest examples I’ve seen of someone shooting themselves in the foot.

  13. Having read his question, I can only see this as another case of picking up a rock, only to drop it on his own foot.

    Too bad.

    Well, not really.

  14. Oh, and there’s a name the crops up further down that appears to be redacted further up. Might have been bill that changed it in the first instance though.

  15. I agree with Avvo, esq. this far – Aaron shouldhave minimal contact with a pro se excluding filings and other court business where it is absolutely required.

    …and Bill Schmalfeldt in particular, since he is a person easily confused and has a long track record of not understanding what he reads or is told by anyone on any subject.

    Bill of course (and the Avvo lawyer too) both fatally misunderstand (Because Bill is such a bad writer) that Aaron is not “demanding sanctions” from Bill or trying to enforce sanctions against Bill.

    Bill seems not to understand that there are grounds for sanctions, and that the defendants, through counsel, can ask they be imposed, even if the court hasn’t ordered them sua sponte, and that Aaron can outline this case and present it to the judge, and the judge may agree with him. That’s a risk for Bill.

    Aaron states quite plainly that he may *move *for sanctions but will not if Bill is willing to meet terms that suit his clients.
    And even then he is just asking to begin non-binding negotiation

    • “…and Bill Schmalfeldt in particular, since he is a person easily confused and has a long track record of not understanding what he reads or is told by anyone on any subject.”

      Easily confused, a long track record of not understanding…

      … AND maliciously eager to twist the context and intent of others’ words AND muddy the waters as much as possible AND lies with abandon.

      Ignorant, malevolent, and deranged.

  16. Let’s do some math, shall we?

    Since Gail died of embarrassment and he got a whole NINE GRAND in life insurance, the Johnnie Walker Red Baron has spent the following;

    – Moving to Wisconsin, which must have cost at least a thousand dollars in travel alone. Yes, he got the payment after he arrived, but assume those expenses were put on his credit card.

    – First and last months rent in his nunnery hovel: unknown amount, but I’d be surprised if it was less than two thousand, including applicable taxes.

    – The scooty puff (It’s red, vroom, VROOM!); $2,500 before taxes, delivery and assembly because William doesn’t strike me as the mechanical type), so let’s say 3 grand. Probably closer to $2,750, but I’m rounding up.

    – Lulzsuit VI, which probably ran him another thousand.

    – Web domains, server costs and whatever the fuck instrument he’s playing now, say $300.

    Somebody’s running out of money rapidly.

        • And get a load of this totally accurate, no, really, transcription of an Amazon review:

          “I see beggars all the time. They seem to earn enough to stay drunk 24 hrs/day. So, I figure, if I just had some kind of talent to offer as a “street performer”, it’s a step above begging and I hear they do pretty good. So along comes the Q-Chord. A magnificent instrument, easy to learn, even a no-talent like myself can make some pretty good noise come out of this thing. With an A/C inverter connected to my scooty-puff batteries I can play my Q-Chord all day, and never run low on power. So if you ever see a sinister old man in a wheelchair playing his Q-Chord on a street corner in south-eastern Wisconsin, drop a dollar in his hat. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it!”

        • Looks like one of those music toys I bought my toddler granddaughter…

          From a real musician… don’t give up your…urrr… day job, you talentless hack.

          And that goes to the Post-Op Critical Pedobomber and Fergie-witless, too. You all suck so bad musically that listening to your talentless drivel should replace waterboarding as the CIAs torture-de-jur.

    • I would almost bet he received The Scooty Puff (It’s red, vroom, VROOM!) via Medicare or more likely the VA. If so, he is only responsible for a 20% copay and that is most likely covered by a secondary entity (your retail price is right on the money).

  17. I suspect the pity and compassion that Aaron has exercised wrt the dementia-addled and loathsome loser may have finally been expended.

  18. The reference to ‘hell raining down’ coupled with deliberately pinpointing Tuesday was a Doom clock if I’m not mistaken.

    Ask not for whom the clock dooms it DOOMS for thee, William-

    But you got more of these, right? Do they come in different colors. Do they tick loudly (or quietly?) at night? Do you have different models specific to different timezones or do you set them manually? If you set them by hand do you have a friend who handles the time arithmetic?

    Asking for a friend.

  19. I think what is funny is that Witless Willie has just availed himself of the state of Virginia’s legal apparatus and thus voluntarily subjected himself to the jurisdiction of the Virginia courts.

    Oh, and “I played along” is going to do wonders for any assertion he later makes about “good faith.”

  20. Poor Bill, he made a rookie Wisconsin mistake. He ordered his “Hellfire” from the local guy. The local guy is a distributer for Mister Coldmeister, you really need to go with Mister Heatmeister. I think he’s based out of Texas.

    It isn’t like Fleet Farm vs. Farm & Fleet, even if they are brothers.

  21. The only bar complaint I could see be taken seriously is the one that Bill wrote to the owner of the St Francis sports Pub when they made him remove the webelo scarf

    • Bill was most disappointed when he found out that “Webelo” doesn’t mean what he hoped it meant.

  22. There’s a moral here–something about not trying to do favors for one’s estranged acquaintances; I wish I could remember how it goes.

  23. I just gotta say, the guy who loses all his court cases against everyone doesn’t understand that it isn’t “everyone” who is rewriting law to defeat him, but him, who cannot understand the words that are written down that defeats him.

  24. Hmm I wonder if the skezy one remembers this BLACK letter law of Maryland:

    §11–207. Child pornography

    (a) A person may not:
    (1) cause, induce, solicit, or knowingly allow a minor to engage as a subject in the production of obscene matter or a visual representation or performance that depicts a minor engaged as a subject in sadomasochistic abuse or sexual conduct;
    (2) photograph or film a minor engaging in an obscene act, sadomasochistic abuse, or sexual conduct;
    (3) use a computer to depict or describe a minor engaging in an obscene act, sadomasochistic abuse, or sexual conduct;
    (4) knowingly promote, advertise, solicit, distribute, or possess with the intent to distribute any matter, visual representation, or performance:
    (i) that depicts a minor engaged as a subject in sadomasochistic abuse or sexual conduct; or
    (ii) in a manner that reflects the belief, or that is intended to cause another to believe, that the matter, visual representation, or performance depicts a minor engaged as a subject of sadomasochistic abuse or sexual conduct;
    or
    (5) use a computer to knowingly compile, enter, transmit, make, print, publish, reproduce, cause, allow, buy, sell, receive, exchange, or disseminate any notice, statement, advertisement, or minor’s name, telephone number, place of residence, physical characteristics, or other descriptive or identifying information for the purpose of engaging in, facilitating, encouraging, offering, or soliciting unlawful sadomasochistic abuse or sexual conduct of or with a minor.

    Just asking for a friend……

  25. WOW…

    just when you think he’s reached Peak Schmalfeldt…
    he justs digs himself a WHOLE lot deeper.

  26. “I think the pressure is getting to him?”

    I think obvious projection is obvious. You’re experiencing pressure, and you think that means Hoge is felling it. Pretty sure Hoge knows what he’s doing, and you don’t.

    “Think he foresaw this?”

    Pretty much. It’s not exactly a surprise to anyone, given your big song-and-dance routine in front of the court. Personally, given how misguided that was, I thought you were too stupid to work out that the state bar was the correct place to deal with such matters.

    I’m also surprised that Aaron’s settlement offer you’re complaining about is so generous. I’d be nailing your ass to the wall. But by making such a song and dance about his offer, you’ve managed to turn a gifted winning position into a massive losing one. This is impressive, even for you. Ok, actually not for you – you do that all the time.

    • Cabin Boy wouldn’t get such a generous settlement offer from me, were I in Aaron’s shoes. His generosity surprised me.

  27. I swear, one day Hoge is going to write a “I’m Not Making This Up, You Know” post which is in fact made up, and people will be on here saying “that’s not strange at all”.

    • It will probably be less bizarre that Cabin Boy’s antics. Fiction has to make sense you know, a limitation reality does not recognize.

  28. I have to say that Bill Schmalfeldt has captured the heart of the legal profession: obtain settlements via the threat of protracted and expensive litigation. I have to say that he understands the right and the wrong of it. Unfortunately, for Bill Schmalfeldt, and the rest of America, that isn’t the law. The system is of lawyer, by lawyers and for lawyers.

  29. Pingback: Chickens Come Home to Roost? | BILLY SEZ – Adventures in Bill Schmalfeldt's Pretendy Land Internet Courtroom. All Rise!

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