Blogsmoke


BlogsmokeSOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

SOUND: Busy street noise in background. Footsteps.

AARON: So we probably should split up.

JOHN: I agree. You can go to the Clerk’s office while I stop by Central Records.

SOUND: Automatic Door. Street noise and footsteps out.

AARON: We can meet in the cafeteria.

SECURITY GUARD 1: Good morning.

JOHN: Hi. Let me get my laptop out for you.

SECURITY GUARD 1: Thank you. Go on through.

JOHN: OK. [pause] What do you know? I made through without beeping this time.

SECURITY GUARD 2: Hello. We haven’t seen you for a while.

JOHN: Well, we’re back today.

SOUND: Magnetometer beeps.

JOHN: My friend has a hearing this afternoon.

SOUND: Hand wand squawks.

SECURITY GUARD 3: You’re OK, sir.

AARON: Thanks.

SECURITY GUARD 2: Is it with that same guy?

AARON: Uh, huh.

JOHN: Hand me my laptop from the rollers, Aaron.

AARON: Here you go.

SECURITY GUARD 2: Be careful and good luck.

AARON: Thanks.

SOUND: Footsteps in hall.

JOHN: Is there anything else you need as a certified copy?

AARON: Not that I know off. I’ve got everything I need for this afternoon. Just get your stuff.

JOHN: OK

SOUND: Footsteps out.

JOHN: Whenever I press an elevator call button on one side of this lobby, I get an elevator on the other side. Watch.

SOUND: Bell dings. Elevator door opens.

JOHN: See.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

ANNOUNCER: Here in Westminster, we’re having those pleasant, but cool, spring evenings when it’s nice to sit on the porch and sip something warm. I’ve been sipping mine from a Res Judicata travel mug. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

JOHN: With our paper work and research attended to and having had lunch, Aaron and I proceeded to the 8th floor of the courthouse. Judges never seem to be on time, so it was 1:45 by the time the hearing scheduled for 1:30 began. The hearing was set to deal with a motion for summary judgment from The Bomber as he tried to defend himself in the malicious prosecution lawsuit Aaron had filed. The Bomber had failed to answer the suit on time, so Aaron had filed a motion seeking a default judgment.

JUDGE: (fading up) But if the immunity you are claiming existed, how could the tort of malicious prosecution exist?

THE BOMBER: Well …

JUDGE: We’re here on your motion for summary judgment. You say that there is no dispute of the facts in this case. He says you made false statements to the Commissioners in order to induce them into finding probable cause, and a jury finding that to be the case could then conclude that those false statements were made with malice. There are facts here for a jury to try, so I will deny your motion for summary judgment.

I’ll hear you now on your motion for default.

AARON: Your Honor, it’s been 55 days since you gave your order from the bench denying the motion to dismiss. It’s been 44 days since your written order was entered on the docket. It’s even been 28 days since my motion was filed putting him on notice that he hasn’t filed an answer. The Rules say that an answer is to be filed within 15 days of the denial of his motion, and the Rules say that if he fails to file a timely answer, the court *shall* enter and order of default.

JUDGE: I see.

THE BOMBER: I don’t have any problem being found in default.

JUDGE: (fading out) It’s a default judgment. It’s a judgment against you on the issue of liability …

JOHN: And things did not go well for The Bomber after that.

SOUND: Busy street noise in background. Footsteps.

JOHN: Well, you certainly came out ahead.

AARON: Yeah. Of course, THE BOMBER has managed to dodge discovery again.

JOHN: True, but now he faces the hearing on damages. What about his claim that you’ll never collect a single dime.

AARON: We’ll see about that.

SOUND: Street noise and footsteps out.

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Grouch and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

9 thoughts on “Blogsmoke

  1. Sorry, chief. This one is just too fantastic to believe.

    Remember the old aphorism that “truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to be believable?” Well, no one would EVER believe that a party in a lawsuit would EVER tell a judge that, regardless of whatever the judge orders, “he’ll never collect a single dime?” No person is ever that stupid.

    I mean, judges have so many options to that kind of verbal bird-flipping. Finding the party in contempt, making any judgments payable to the court… and no judge would ever let such gross insults to the court stand.

    I wish I could down-twinkle this posting. It’s just too unbelievable. One of your worst, really.

    Are you sure you’re a paralegal? In the future, maybe you ought to run your scripts past your supervising attorney, who can point out such flagrantly implausible aspects.

    Oh, yeah, he’s The World’s Worst Lawyer (TM). Maybe he did review it, and didn’t notice how ridiculous that part was.

    Maybe you should head over to avvo.com and ask for advice. I hear they’re awesome and brilliant.

    • He’s a Quantum Mechanic Para Legal, a quasi-legal?

      Near as I can see, the Internet Sherrif only has two real advantages over The Bomber: 1) He can read. 2) He can understand.

      • And yes, yes, he has intelligence, good taste, a happy family life, honor, virtue, and so and so. I’m just talking advantages when it’s time to say “that’s why you’re the judge, and I’m just the law-talking guy.”

        (note, this is not a depiction of the Internet Sherrif in court. The Bomber? not him either, this guy’s socks were black.)

  2. Does telling a judge in open court “he’ll never get a dime from me,” or words to that effect, constitute contempt of court? Or does that sort of question depend on a judge’s discretion?

    If it were contempt, could a judge jail the person found in contempt until the judgment is satisfied?

    • I’m not a lawyer, and I didn’t even run to avvo.com for advice, but I would be surprised if the judge considered it grounds for contempt, as it’s a conditional statement — if/when there’s a judgment, then the sawed-off pedo bomber would have the opportunity to act upon his threat.

      However, Our Host could suggest that, with that declaration on the record, the judge should make the judgment payable directly to the court, and not to Our Host. His declaration, along with his past history of refusing to pay settlements, ought to make such a decision a slam dunk.

      But then again, Maryland…

        • I find myself intrigued as to what these advantages might be… but I would rather not educate the trolls. So I won’t ask. I’ll even ask you to NOT elaborate.

          But damn, I am curious…

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