With all the empty threats and loser LOLsuits going around these days, this episode from about a year ago has a certain resonance.
SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
AGENT: (Telephone Filter) Mr. Atsign, this is Special Agent Wilson following up on that harassment matter.
JOHNNY: Hi. What can I help you with? And call me “Johnny.”
AGENT: (Telephone Filter) I’ve been working with my counterpart back East, and we need a few more details. I thought you might have something in a related case that would provide a lead.
JOHNNY: Are you talking about the connection to The Bomber or The Grouch?
AGENT: (Telephone Filter) The Bomber. He’s suing our agency.
JOHNNY: That doesn’t make sense, but it has to be true. No one could make up a story like that.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my extended investigation of The Fed-to-Fed Matter.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch @TheBomber Complained to anyone’s boss lately?
JOHNNY: For the past couple of days, I had been operating in clean up mode, tying up loose ends on several investigation. I had stopped by the Federal Courthouse in Greenbelt to pick up some copies from the Clerk’s Office …
SOUND: Quiet background/large echoing space.
AARON: (Off mike) Johnny!
SOUND: (Under Johnny) Approaching footsteps.
JOHNNY: Aaron, what are you doing here?
AARON: (Full mike) I’ve been dropping off some paperwork. Why are you here?
JOHNNY: To pick some up. Are you in a rush?
AARON: No. What’s up?
JOHNNY: Meet me in the coffee shop in ten minutes, and I’ll tell you the story.
SOUND: Background out.
JOHNNY: So I went off to the Clerk’s Office.
CLERK: (Fading in) … and 16 pages for that case. That’s a total of 104 pages at 50 cents per page.
JOHNNY: 52 bucks. Do you take plastic?
JOHNNY: Here you go.
SOUND: Swipe and card reader printer.
CLERK: OK. Sign here. They should have that old paper file pulled within a half-hour. I’ll print the electronic files in the meantime. Why don’t you come back in an hour?
JOHNNY: Works for me. I’m meeting someone in the coffee shop.
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SOUND: Restaurant background.
JOHNNY: (Fading in) … so it looks like they’re trying to use the same playbook that worked on you but with a bit different spin.
AARON: Well, yes. Neither of those government agencies would feel particularly threatened by terrorists showing up at their front doors.
JOHNNY: Yeah. They’re trying to slime the reputations of the individuals involved so that it would be embarrassing for the agencies to be associated with them.
AARON: Or perhaps get their security clearances pulled. That would get them laid off if not fired.
JOHNNY: Yeah. They’re both contract employees, so they have fewer protections than civil servants. It’s interesting that in one case they contacted the agency directly. In the other they contacted the government contractor who the guy works for and threatened to sue them.
AARON: Uh, huh.
JOHNNY: And now The Bomber has sued the agency instead of the contractor.
AARON: You’re kidding.
JOHNNY: No. He filed a Team Themis RICO suit yesterday against a laundry list of companies and individuals, and he’s included both contractors and the agency where one of them works.
AARON: (Chuckling) Oh, that’s great!
JOHNNY: What’s so funny?
AARON: Haven’t you heard? The judge dismissed The Bomber’s other RICO suit this morning.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber. Great timing!
MUSIC: Theme up and under
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next time? Oh, look, three jacks! Now for the last card. It’s called a kronk. Isn’t Fizzbin fun? Join us, won’t you?
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.
Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.