I’m Not Making This Up, You Know

The Cabin Boy™ really did file these with the court—

Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

196 thoughts on “I’m Not Making This Up, You Know

    • Will the Deranged Cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt’s self-proclaimed “Parkinson’s Disease Dementia” serve him as a valid defense against committing perjury?

      “Plaintiff is unaware of any document provided to this court subject to confidentiality orders.”


      • As a matter of fact, the Yokohama Casanova argued the opposite just last week when said “It’s on the Internet, so the seal is meaningless.”

        Of course, since HE’S the one who put it on the Internet, I’d probably back away from that argument, too. All that really leaves is lying.

        • In either event, I suspect that the Johnnie Walker Red Baron be called to Maryland to answer questions about that in the near future. I’m sure that Frey’s lawyer has all kinds of them!

          Sadly, he doesn’t have JOURNALISM as a dodge, since they were published as part of his lulzsuit.

        • Leaked to him by Brett Kimberlin? Isn’t that the guy who DUMBFUCK used as the “credible source” for his Motion to Disqualify”?

    • It’s special* dementia, don’t forget.

      *Special* dementia doesn’t interfere with anything important as it only affects cognition (e.g., abstraction, reasoning, attention), judgment, memory, impulse control, emotional problems, executive functioning, and causes delusions, hallucinations, irritability, and loss of bowel and bladder control. Besides, the loathsome loser claims to have graduated from high school, so with that kind of education, cognition may have never been an issue.

    • There is one last thing you must do, my student, before you can reach the rank of “full retard”. You must call the judge a name. Poopy face is a good example, but do try to be original.

      Do this, and you will be the master of stupid and will have all you desire.

      Why you desire that, no one knows.

    • And much like the S&A engineer, I imagine Mr. Walker will properly signal for the next crossing without slowing down.

  1. “Your honor! Walker is making hash out of the docket! I’ll prove it by filing five more documents!”

    I kinda only skimmed all this, but when did Federal Courts start disqualifying lawyers for blasphemy? And even if you were to assume that everything that Bill said was true (stop laughing!) about the circumstances of his firing from his last job, none of it has anything to do with legal acumen and more to do with Human Resources crap.

  2. One of my great hopes in life is that I never become as stupid as the Cabin Boy. It’s like imagining the brattiest kid you could imagine, minus any adorability, plus massive volumes of Johnny Walker Red.

    That phone call with the judge is going to be *amazing*.

    • One of the oddest things about BS is that he appears to believe he is adorable or has charm and appeal. He doesn’t seem to comprehend he is extremely unpleasant to look at, and his alternating clownish bombast and obsequiousness make him thoroughly repellent even when he isn’t trying to be unpleasant.

      I wouldn’t make remarks about his appearance except for this odd lack of insight. I’m trying not be be descriptive now. That said, He would have had less failure if he’d sort of kept that face on the down low.

      • I suspect that Bill is like a few people I’ve known over the years. In your first couple meetings they are capable of being pleasant, even charming. It’s only as you get more sustained contact with them that you being to realize what the person is under the facade. The cute little quirks take a darker tone, and as they get more comfortable around you, you begin to see more depth to their personality.

        • I don’t recall ever thinking much of his “facade” (all aspects) – it didn’t do much at all to help his case. It’s the apparent self-delusion that interests me, though. He thinks he has a face that is for more than radio.

      • Sort of a corollary to the “Dunning Kruger Effect,” albeit [one word] with regard to personality rather than ability.

        Of course, as ability goes… Bill really needs to read up on DK.

      • In other words, Bill Schmalfeldt is a 100% rolling Self-Awareness Fail exhibit.

        It boggles the mind, but makes for mad lulz when Reality crashes the fat arse square in the face. And even then, he’s still too stupid to get it: Billy’s only real enemy is in the mirror.

        • He is that.

          But I personally believe that he’s not really had anything like the reality crash he’s building up to with this one. Time will tell though, I never count on the outcome of anything before the courts.

          • Agreed. IF it turns out as craptacularly as we expect for Dumbarse, then Billy will again face the question: “Back off or Double Down?” So far, he’s always chosen Ego over Reality and doubled down. We’ll soon find out whether Schmalfeldt’s ignorant arrogance can convince him to get on the wrong side of a Federal Judge. (In the Deb Frisch case, by the way, she only stopped Doubling Down after spending half of last year behind bars. We’ll soon find out whether Billy has more common sense. Tick Tock, Tick Tock….)

        • I’ve seen worse self-awareness fails — like when Brett has denounced Ali Akbar for being a convicted felon.

  3. Bill you dumb &^& until your MTDQ is settled nothing else will be decided in this case, also all the defendants clock’s stopped with the MTDQ.

  4. Ho. Lee. SHITBALLS!

    Every time I think Dumbfuck can’t get any stupider, he goes out and proves me wrong.

  5. This may be the first time in jurisprudential history that a judge feels the need to seek a restraining order against a plaintiff.

  6. I may have been givng him too much credit – did he even graduate from high school? Roy, what’s the scoop?

      • I’m betting on “let’s just get this whining, uneducable loser out of here as quickly as possible” pass.

        No pity. Just a simple conclusion that unmotivated, leeching losers are not worth anymore time, energy, and taxpayer dollars. Unfortunately, such a decision then allowed for him to become a burden upon the United States Navy, and society as a whole.

        The Deranged Cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt has been a burden upon taxpayers the majority of his worthless, miserable life.

        • If I flunk him, I have to deal with him again next year. If I pass him, he’s somebody else’s problem. This seems to be a common attitude among teachers I have known.

          • Oh, boy, you don’t really want to know how tempting it is to do that at the college, even the graduate student level. At some point people aren’t good enough to make it and resort to the Schmalfeldt strategy. I’m dealing with one now. It’s actually painful.
            And during my grad years I knew one PhD candidate who was ‘passed’ [awarded the PhD] and whose record forever included the words, “not recommended for hire in the US.”

    • Everyone graduates high school now, even the severely and profoundly retarded kids. Billy needs medication and adult supervision, but who is the poor bastard who will be stuck taking care of him?

  7. Isn’t that another stunning example of lack of self awareness? He has already filed ten or twenty times the pages that Aaron has.

    • Simple maths reveals that Aaron has only filed one more motion that blob anyway. And by far and away, most have bee in response, so it’s hard to see any judge taking such a claim seriously.

      Besides which, even I can tell that Aaron’s point was less to do with volume and more to do with filing paperwork that wasn’t actually valid and hence created ambiguities.

  8. Wow, an entire argument from Cabin Boy premised on Cabin Boy being illiterate and not understanding the difference between two words in English.

    • To be fair he claims to be a reporter. The meaning of words isn’t apparently something those in the industry are required to grasp.

  9. You know I have been following the travails that Aaron & John have been suffering since this all started. And I used to think that the StupidEgotism was strong with the PedoBomber, but nothing, and I mean nothing can beat the STUPID that has been demonstrated by Blimby McBlimpFace in his lawfare to strike back at those that laugh and mock his many misadventures.

    Bill SmellyFelt is evidence that the Human Race is devolving!!

    He is also the reason we should have never put warning stickers on power tools and ladders !!!!

  10. My favorite part, as always, is when he goes out of his way to explain that because it is not illegal to do so, that the audio he produced can’t be properly described as “child pornography.”

    Keep running with that Bill. Hell, lead off every filing with that explanation. You’ll win hearts and minds.

    • Murder is an actual crime, but calling OJ a murderer isn’t defamatory, not even of the per se kind. It might be if you said he was convicted of it as the conviction portion is false.

      Eric never said Bill was convicted of it.

      And since it isn’t a crime, how is it defamatory per se?

      Oh, and OJ did it.

    • I suppose part of his problem is that he doesn’t understand the legal difference between pornography and obscenity. Not that he understands a whole lot of differences between lots of words.

  11. I love the “I’m just a poor lowly pro se so I’m just gonna throw shit at the wall to see what the judge will let stick” attitude.

    The poo flinging monkey dances quite well.

  12. Kimberlin was way ahead of Schmallmind on getting declared vexatious. I think that Schmallballs just took the lead. Hell, he’s gotta win SOMETHING in his pathetic life. Other than restraining orders, I mean. Might as well go out with an involuntary mental hold, eh?

  13. I really do hope that the judge points out to Bill Schmalfedlt that Aaron Walker’s employment history for the past few years is irrelevant to the issue of whether Mr. Walker is permitted to represent this clients and conduct the case as he sees fit on their behalf. She should tell him that every time that Bill Schmalfeldt brings that up as a point is an ad hominem attack, and unsuitable for a pleading. She SHOULD tell him that any future reference to that will be grounds for automatic sanctions against him.

    • Being a DUMBFUCK, Oliver Wendell Jones created a double-edged sword and pointed it directly at his scotch-distended belly in these motions.

      Bringing up Ash’s restraining order was a wildly stupid thing to do because while a federal court can’t overturn it, the very existence of it in the record speaks volumes about William’s character and the reputation that he maintains (but only sometimes) is damaged.

      Oh, and let us not forget THAT HE DEMANDED A JURY TRIAL! How will that presentation go?

      “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,. I’ll admit that I was beaten by a three year old in court, but that toddler was lying and judges are gullible idiots!”

      This is one of those rare cases where the plaintiff is the best witness for the defense.

      • Point-of-order question for the law-talking folks (as I’m too lazy to go look it up): Did the consent forms all the remaining parties submitted just allow the case to be handled by a Magistrate Judge, or does it also move the trial from being heard by a jury to being heard just by the judge?

        • They didn’t waive a jury trial by consenting to proceeding before a magistrate judge. Magistrates can conduct jury trials in civil cases.

      • And Neal, he didn’t bring up just Ash’s court order. He brought up mine and Lynn Thomas’s orders. He lied about mine, in a sworn pleading, no less. If the case survives beyond Thursday’s call, and the pleading with that lie isn’t stricken, I will look into filing a statement with the court pointing out that Bill Schmalfeldt is a proven liar.

        • So how many of the RO’s are now mentioned in the court record. 3 out of the 9? Three thirty-three ain’t a bad batting average. But if this thing ain’t nuked on Thursday, I look forward to the other 6 ROs finding their way into the record.

        • AD, The BLOB actually did bring up Ash’s court order in ECF 33, “Plaintiff’s Opposition to Defendants’ Joint Motion For Extension of Time to Respond to Plaintiff’s Motion for Summary Judgment,” page 3 (about mid page):

          …and Plaintiff has about 7 minutes of audio in which Defendant Palmer tells nine lies under oath in her January hearing to get a restraining order…

          • He made an audio recording…? Or would that be a product of the court in lieu of a transcript via the court reporter?

            If he obtained a recording other than through the court, I’m guessing there might be some issues with, if nothing else, the provenance.

          • Shorter: “Why, yes, I am suing a woman who has just obtained a restraining order against me and her toddler grandson. I’m gonna be rich, right, Judge?”

        • “Your Honor, I object and move to strike Exhibit F.”
          “Wait, you introduced that.”
          “Yes, and I’m objecting to it now. The Defense keeps using it against me and giggling.”

    • I’m guessing that’ll go like this:
      Judge: Have you [followed proper procedure on your allegations]
      Blob: [rambling answer translating to “no”]
      Judge: Do you realise that [you haven’t done the right thing here]?
      Blob: [extensive and unconvincing dissembling]
      Judge: Well, that’s the right way to deal with that. So long as he is a attorney in good standing, he can represent a client in this court. Motion is dismissed, and there will be no further discussion on the matter. Any further attempts to divert the court from the case will be met with sanctions.

  14. I can imagine one of the first things that Aaron’s gonna say on the mandated call this week (only he’ll use lawyer-words) is: “Your honor, remember when I said that you should expedite sanctions because Schmalfeldt is a f*cking crazy ass lunatic who is going to kick himself in the Schmalls repeatedly at everyone else’s expense? I’d like my flashy red scooter now (it’s RED! VROOOOOOM VROOOOM).”

  15. I love the part where he says “Maybe it’s not within the rules, but, well, you’re ok with this right? Now, about Aaron and his complete disregard for the rules”.

  16. So wait a minute here. Did Bill just… Hmm…

    I’m just going to put my marker down here and say Billy done screwed the pooch if he did what I think he did. Not going to hint more than that.

    • I’m sorry, you can’t leave a marker that vague. It’s like betting on roulette by saying, “I want my money on a number!”

      • I don’t want to help him. I’m just going to invest in popcorn futures. I’d tip off the legal beagles on TFS, but I am _certain_ they saw it.

        But it isn’t so much what he did, as what he didn’t do.

        • (If twitter existed in 1978)

          This Is Radio Drumpf ‎@RadioDrumpf

          It will be interesting to see how traffic is affected by the bombing at the Junior High today. #speedwaybomings(YAY!)

      • Well, live ones do things like demand the freakshow stop associating with their brand. It takes a real special (dementia addled) snowflake to get fired from volunteering to promote and collect donations for a charity.

        You know, the same kind of special (dementia addled) snowflake who got slapped with (maybe a record setting) NINE restraining orders, including to protect at least two pre-schoolers.

  17. Wow. I’ve only read ECF 31 and 32, and am reluctant to read further because I came very close to actually feeling pity for the loathsome loser. smh

    It’s amazing that anyone with that little cognitive ability is able to handle day-to-day matters, and while I’ve always believed the fat freak is stoooopid, the degeneration in its abilities is stark. In some places, actual gibberish would have worked better.

    Wow. smh

  18. Wow. I’ve only read ECF 31 and 32, and am reluctant to read further because I came very close to actually feeling pity for the loathsome loser. smh

    It’s amazing that anyone with that little cognitive ability is able to handle day-to-day matters, and while I’ve always believed the fat freak is stoooopid, the degeneration in its abilities is stark. In some places, actual gibberish would have worked better.

    Wow. smh

  19. Just a few LOLs & Impressions as I read Billy’s latest steaming pile…

    Doc 31, para 5: Translating Billy: “I filed this frivolous lawsuit to MAKE THEM SHUT UP!
    So pretty-please make Hoooooooooooooge!! SHUT UP.”

    Ooh, but Dumbf*ck actually opened the door to discussing ROs 8 and 9 against him.

    Page 3, fn 3: Looks like David E. got Billy’s “justification” for the plagiarism…
    (lol, I see David noticed it, too:
    https://ukuleledave.wordpress.com/2016/03/22/oh-well-then-if-peter-ben-friedman-says-its-ok )

    Doc 31, para 6: Billy tries to rationalize his slogan “Rules for THEE, but not for ME!”

    Doc 32, para 1: Does Billy really think the judge will be too dumb to notice that
    a) Aaron’s filings are allowed by FRCP, whereas b) Billy’s are the rambling stupidity
    of a drunken butthurt idiot? As usual, Billy projects his own stupidity and biases
    on everyone else. He’s in for QUITE a rude awakening very soon. Tic-toc, tic-toc…

    Doc 32, para 2: This opinion dumbarse cites, “Randolph vs. Mcbride” (1995)…did
    the dummy even read the disclaimer in HUGE FONT at the top of the opinion, viz.:

    “NOTICE: Seventh Circuit Rule 53(b)(2) states unpublished orders shall not be cited
    or used as precedent except to support a claim of res judicata, collateral estoppel
    or law of the case in any federal court within the circuit.”

    Tell me Billy didn’t fark up as bad as it looks here. No, wait, don’t tell me…

    Doc 32, para 3: Billy’s feeble impulse control is on full display here. WAHH!!!
    ANY MORE!! BRING ON THE DESSERT!! (Any wonder why Billy is morbidly

    Doc 32, para 7: Dumbarse is about to have the fact that “Issues of Jurisdiction
    are Perfectly Legitimate ‘Defenses’ in the Present Context” slapped into his
    fat head. Very soon.

    Doc 32, para 8: Dummy DEMANDS he have his way “before the leaves fall off the
    trees” [sic!] Bill Schmalfeldt = never NOT lacking in impulse-control. Federal
    lawsuits usually drag on for months and months, if not years, as a simple matter
    of course. “[L]et’s get on with the lawsuit” (RAWR!)…yes, he actually wrote
    that shiite.
    Doc 33, para 3: LOL, Billy really has no grasp of the concept of an ANSWER,
    does he?! The Judge will have a hard time not LOLing at Billy’s arrogant
    ignorance of Legal Procedure 101. Billy really thinks he can get through
    this LOLSUIT without Discovery? I wonder what he’s afraid of…lol.

    (I have a feeling that Billy will soon be educated on another legal phrase:
    “This is an issue for the Trier of Fact.”)

    Doc 33, para 4: Dumbarse can’t simply declare that the “facts” are “carved-
    in-stone.” Oh, wait. LAW NOT LAW! SCHMALFEDLT AM LAW! RAWR!!eleven.

    Aha, good job, Billy! Let’s make Restraining Orders 8 & 9 relevant to the
    proceedings! Billy really lacks the self-awareness to wonder, “Won’t the
    judge see that these RO’s are prima facie EVIDENCE that Plaintiff is a
    vexatious asshole filing this (what, FOURTH) lolsuit merely for the purpose
    to HARASS the defendants – which is the very definition of ‘frivolous’?”

    Oh, and cue the violins: Billy throws his “Parkinson’s Disease” on the court
    for pity.

    (This para is a headache to parse, but it fits Dumbarse to a tee: Your
    Honor, rule for me NOW (rawr!) because I am BUTTHURT!)
    Doc 34, para 1: OK, Billy, you took just two sentences to say you don’t
    oppose Aaron’s Motion for Case Management Order. Will Billy just shut up

    LOL, of course not…Billy goes ad hominem asshole by the end of the
    first page!

    Doc 34, para 2: “Plaintiff would appreciate the assistance”? Yeah, sure,
    right up until the moment the Judge is striking all his ad hominem and
    unresponsive bullshite from the Record. Just you watch.

    Doc 34, para 3: Billy doesn’t realize it. It’s not that Aaron and Company
    are providing inadequate defense. Billy’s butthurt is precisely because
    Aaron & Company are providing a TOP-NOTCH defense against the true vexatious
    litigant in this case: plaintiff Bill Schmalfeldt.

  20. Witless Willie is so ignorant that he does not understand that the defendants get to respond to each of his motions and that the one delaying things is him. All the stuff he filed yesterday, the defendants have weeks to respond to. He also does not understand that, with certain exceptions, what he alleges in his complaint is simply accepted as true only when considering a motion to dismiss, not a motion to disqualify opposing counsel. Notice that his cited case does not deal with a motion to disqualify. His motion for summary judgment is also not considered under the standard elucidated in his cited case. DERP.

    • He commits a fallacy familiar to followers of the Deb Frisch case: Billy treats the legal proceedings the same as an Internet flame war. He’ll soon be educated (and very expensively, I hope) to the fact that his asshole shenanigans will not be tolerated by the Court.

      • Except, of course, that he’s watched Kimberlin get away with heaping loads of crap and receive little more than a tongue lashing. I have hopes that an education is about to come down on all these guys, but I’m not holding my breath.

          • I will not let my hopes get too far up, on the grounds that courts seem rather disconnected from normal concerns.

            On the train home, using my phone to comment.

          • I agree with Dianna’s guarded hopes. At the same time, you have to wonder what a Federal Judge will think of a pro se plaintiff who: a) has 3 ROs against him (that she knows about from the paperwork), b) has filed 4 previous civil suits against similar defendants (Doc 29, page 4, fn 1), and c) objects to his 3 sexual fantasies about children being termed “child porn” (Doc 6, exhibits 1-3). Oh, by the way, the Honorable Judge has “worked on behalf of children requiring CHIPS, Children in Need of Protection or Services, advocacy” (according to one bio of her).

      • When I was in college, there was a guy of a certain political bent who won a lot of arguments simply by interrupting and shouting down opponents so loudly and fiercely that people eventually just stopped talking to him at all, so that made him a winner, get it?

        The saving grace of the Internet, even in the flame war, is that the other guy eventually has to quit typing and hit the POST button, which gives everyone else the opportunity to respond. And guys like DUMBFUCK – idiots capable only of noise as argument – are very quickly exposed as that guy who would try to shout you down if the GODDAMN INTERNET DIDN’T FORCE YOU TO SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE IN ORDER TO BE HEARD.

        Fucking shame, really…🙄

  21. Nothing more than Bi;; throwing an infantile tantrum, demnding he gets what he wants or he’ll hold his breath until he turns blue. Go ahead Bill, hold your breath until Thursday, when Judgy-wudgy will smack your pee-pee with a sledge hammer sized gavel …

  22. He’s really starting to sound unhinged. I kept expecting him to start going on about strawberries.

  23. In rereading, I especially like the part where Cabin Boy essentially admits that the lawsuit’s purpose is to circumvent the protective orders he is subject to.

    That’s a crime, Cabin Boy.

  24. Anyone else notice that Bill tries to justify his child pornography by claiming South Park is worse? As far as I know, the only times that show has referred to pedophiles, it has had them as the obvious villains.

    And to cap off his idiocy, he tries to make “Everybody Draw Mohammed” into something scandalous — while South Park famously had an episode BASED ON THE SAME PREMISE.

  25. Somebody should bring this case to the attention of the guys over at abovethelaw.com – they did an excellent “legal fisking” of Deb Frisch’s legal filings, years ago.

    IIRC, they were particularly taken with some of her turns of phrase, like calling a judge a “frocked cow-f*cker”.

  26. I had the opportunity to be in the gallery of Bond Call yesterday at our local courthouse, as an associate of mine had made some significant mistakes that led to a chance meeting with the State Police, and an overnight stay at the local jail. While waiting for her turn to be called, another young man had the…misfortune to stand before the court facing several charges. The Judge asked him (in the normal course of events) if he had a lawyer (and was leading to a follow-up question of ‘can you afford one, if not we will assign this nice Public Defender, sitting right here, to help you RIGHT NOW…).

    Anyhow, the Judge was…interrupted…as the young man said “I’m going Pro Se”…and things went downhill quickly. The young man expressed his belief that he could simply offer to plead quilty to his charge (possible 1-6 years in prison) and negotiate with the Judge to have it reduced from a felont to a misdemeanor…in the Bond Call Court…

    …It was horrific to watch.,.

    I have been present for Judge’s expressing their displeasure at Attorneys. I have seen Judges use the most colorful and creative language possible in taking seasoned Law Enforcement professionals to task. This was a first – the Judge crucified the young man without the benefit of wood, or nails. The young man talked himself into a $5,000 bond when the Judge was going to go for a Recognizance Bond…

    Everyone (ok, there were 4 of us in the Gallery, including the young man’s mother) were looking away it was so bad.

    Given all of that, I’ll happily go to Milwaukee for these court hearings! Our local courthouse has posted notices which prevent outside food or beverages being brought inside – perhaps in Wisconsin they will hand out buckets of popcorn for these hearings…

    • Frankly I am staying away from Wisconsin and its long-arm statute. I can recall only two times in my life when I was in Wisconsin. (In 1963 or 1964, I was on board the Edmund Fitzgerald and may possibly have gone ashore in Wisconsin, but I do not remember doing so.)

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