Blogsmoke


What with some of the recent developments in LOLsuit land, I thought this early example of The Grouch’s performance in court would be worth replaying. We take you back to December, 2013, …Blogsmoke

SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) December 2nd. 7:00 PM. @wjjhoge See you Monday! Be ready to testify. Under oath.

JOHN: And I did testify under oath. Let me tell how it all went down in court.

I had petition for a six-month extension of the peace order based on The Grouch’s continuing contact with me and harassment of me under the existing order.

ZOA: (FADING UP) Mr. Hoge, I show you Petitioner’s Exhibit 5. Can you identify it.

JOHN: Yes. These are tweets that I have received from The Grouch. The back 59 pages are tweets that appeared on the Interactions page of my Twitter account. The first was received just after noon on the 16th of October, shortly after the hearing held on that date. The first page is a screen capture of a tweet from The Grouch sent last night that I found on my Interactions page this morning. There are 470 tweets all together.

ZOA: I show you Petitioner’s Exhibit 6. Can you identify it.

JOHN: Yes. There are three pornographic images here which The Grouch published on the Internet. They are all photoshopped images that contain my likeness. The first page of the file is a screen capture of a tweet he sent stating his intention that at least one of the images be obscene.

THE GROUCH: (FADING UP) … you could have just taken your Pyrrhic victory and let the existing order expire. What do you think will happen if the extension is granted?

JOHN: I believe that you will continue to violate the order until it is enforced.

THE GROUCH: Well, if you don’t think there’s going to be any change, why are you seeking the extension?

JOHN: Perhaps the order will be enforced.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

ANNOUNCER: Are you a loyal supporter of Team Lickspittle? If you are, you should be showing you support by wearing a Team t-shirt, sweatshirt, or hoodie. They’re just some of the useful trinkets with the Team Lickspittle, Res JudicataMurum Aries Attigit, Johnny Atsign, and The Grand Hog logos you’ll find at The Hogewash Store. Why not go by today and spend a bit of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle? All those goodies are available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

And now back to our story.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

JUDGE: The question before the court today is whether there is good cause to extend the peace order. Looking at these 470 tweets, it is obvious that they are contact with Mr. Hoge which he should not have received. Also, the three pornographic images are grounds to find that good cause exists. Therefore, I will order that six-month extension be granted.

JOHN: So I went over to the Clerk’s office where a Deputy Sheriff gave me a copy of the order for the extension. That’s where this case stands today.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) Congratulations to Mr. Hoge on his dirty victory today. Just because I’m not saying more doesn’t mean I don’t have more to say. As to the future, I will just say this. “Shoe? Meet the other foot.”

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Who knows what The Grouch will do next? Meanwhile, there are other harassers and stalkers out there on the Internet—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

5 thoughts on “Blogsmoke

  1. I think he mean to say, “Foot, going up my anus. The other in my mouth.”

    I denounce myself for such grossness, and what people might imagine how that looked like if he had succeeded.

  2. God I can’t wait to retire.
    So much free time, SO much free time.
    Granted, I’ll probably teach myself the violin and study paleoanthropology, but can you imagine ALL that free time?

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