Legal LULZ Du Jour


The Cabin Boy™ says he’s been talking to an intellectual property lawyer.Cheddar CopyrightI seriously doubt that he spoke with a lawyer, but if he did, that lawyer clearly didn’t do due diligence on the status of the Cabin Boy’s™ alleged copyrights. I won’t go through the questionable nature of his claim to holding any rights to the images he’s threatening to sue over. That’s been covered elsewhere.

Instead, I’ll merely point out that the copyright act only allows for statutory damages of $150,000 in certain circumstances and only in the case of registered copyrights. Here’s a list of every copyright registration issued since 1978 to anyone with the surname Schmalfeldt—Schmalfeldt Copyrights

None of the pictures that the Cabin Boy™ is frothing at the mouth about are listed as registered. If he can prove that he does own the rights to the pictures and if he can show that the use is infringing, then he recover his actual damages only. IANAL, but I’m given to understand that means reimbursement for lost sales and the like.

Stupid is as stupid does.

UPDATE—I’ve received a telephone call from a lawyer who is representing Sarah Palmer and Eric Johnson in the LOLsuit VI: The Undiscovered Krendler. He pointed out that the Cabin Boy™ makes reference to a portion of a copyright statute, 17 U.S.C. § 505, in his amended complaint. The lawyer tells me that § 505 provides for the award of attorney’s fees to the prevailing party in a lawsuit. It’s one of the few instances in U. S. law where a losing plaintiff pays.

Of course, 17 U.S.C. § 505 doesn’t actually apply to anything in LOLsuit VI, but it would apply to a copyright suit if the Cabin Boy™ were foolish enough to file one.

Heh.

78 thoughts on “Legal LULZ Du Jour

  1. Even assuming arguendo that the copyright registered on Put On Your Parky Face includes the photographs contained in that book, several of those photos—including the one at issue—were clearly not taken by the Cabin Boy. So his rights in those photos are subject to attack. Unless he can prove that they were works made for hire, or that the rights were subsequently transferred to him by means of a written conveyance, his “copyright” is void and unenforceable.

  2. “Hey, all I did was publish a picture…”

    — William Smellfart, Twitter Attorney at Law, collector of multiple court orders from multiple states for harassment and stalking.

  3. I would LOVE to know who his consulting attorney is because he failed to tell him something really IMPORTANT [No I won’t tell] about these suits. Plus, many times has the Cabin Boy ‘said’ he spoke with an attorney or that his attorney will be taking over the ‘case’. We can count the number of times he has consulted/spoke(not via avvo or email) with an attorney to 1 finger. And he Fat Willie failed to follow the advice he was given. So Bill isn’t really hot on attorneys because they tell him to STOP doing the crap he is doing. Maybe we can figure out which firm or attorney he has been in communication. Something tells me it just the same old same old Acme Law.

    • “We can count the number of times he has consulted/spoke(not via avvo or email) with an attorney to 1 finger.”

      And that’s our middle finger.

      • After a little thought, I just remembered that the one lawyer he did actually consult told him to stop what he was doing or he’d end up in jail.

    • My guess is it’s actually a phone call. And it goes like this:

      Secretary: “Hello, Dewey Cheatum and Howe. How may I direct your call?”
      Billy: “D.F. Mayo esquire.”
      Secretary: “Didn’t you call last week? You sure seem to love Mayo, Schmalfeldt. One moment. Hold for Mayo.”

      *Muzak plays, the tune of “I Fought the Law and the Law Won”*

      Mayo, Esq: “Yeah. Mayo here.”
      Billy: “RAWR! So I got hurt feels because people are mocking me on the internets. I can sue, right?”
      Mayo: “It’s the same thing I tell you every time, Billy: This is America, so you can sue anyone for anything, but it doesn’t mean you’re gonna win. And I sure as hell won’t represent you in this frivolous action. So…hello? Hello?”
      Billy: “RAWR!! HE SAID I CAN SUE!!1”

  4. If one were to harness what William doesn’t know about the law into physical energy, it would power a thousand suns for eons.

    If one were to do the same with what he does know, you could toast bread. Lightly. And that powers our collective lulz for the rest of our lives.

  5. No, no no – the three year old is the one who kicked ass in court!

    • Meanwhile, Bill still has photos he obviously doesn’t have rights to on his site.

      Ya know, threats of lawsuits — especially multiple, clearly meritless lawsuits — are likely a bad idea when there’s a court order barring you from harassing your target.

    • Well, the three year old was obviously lying.

      That’s how things work in WilliamWorld, a strange and mysterious place that astronomy can’t explain, but psychiatry can.

    • Bill, that advice is worth every penny you paid for it. Especially as you lied to the poor fool trying to help you.

      Heed their disclaimer:

      DISCLAIMER: Answers from Experts on JustAnswer are not substitutes for the advice of an attorney. JustAnswer is a public forum and questions and responses are not private or confidential or protected by the attorney-client privilege. The Expert above is not your attorney, and the response above is not legal advice. You should not read this response to propose specific action or address specific circumstances, but only to give you a sense of general principles of law that might affect the situation you describe. Application of these general principles to particular circumstances must be done by a lawyer who has spoken with you in confidence, learned all relevant information, and explored various options. Before acting on these general principles, you should hire a lawyer licensed to practice law in the jurisdiction to which your question pertains.

      • Posting a question on Just Answers becomes this:

        Did they have tea and crumpets?

        • You didn’t know that you could find a lawyer at the bottom of a bottle? Pshaw, I say. PSHAW!

          Hey, isn’t this the third time that the Diminished Capacity Kid has “spent the afternoon with a lawyer” that he didn’t have to leave the couch to see?

          But if at first you don’t succeed, drink and drink some more. Eventually you’ll win!

          • If I were uncouth, I might observe that legal counsel is not the only person—not even the most important person—with whom Bill claimed to spend time without leaving his ample berth at the computer.

            But I’m not, so I’ll let that observation pass by in silence.

      • Oh, it’s definitely not worth what he paid. Just Answer costs actual money, plus tips. He paid a guy to prove that garbage in, gets you garbage out. Even when it’s ‘for educational purposes only’ a DUMBFUCK can’t keep from lying to his legal advisor.

    • He’s just like the guy who goes to a doctor, won’t tell him his symptoms, and gets the wrong diagnosis…then sues for malpractice. You can’t make this up.

      • No, it’s more like somebody diagnosing themselves on WebMD and then suing the Harvard Medical School for not curing his sniffles, despite his being too drunk and lazy to see an actual doctor.

        Of course, that’s a analogy and not a proposal for Schmalfeldt.

      • I love how every time he claims to have “consulted an attorney”, we find him “consulting” a free advice site.

        • Oh, but he’s a PAYING customer, Rob. He gets pissed when he doesn’t get answered in a timely manner. He had to wait HOURS once for a response and was VERY disappointed. lolololol

          • He should also have refrained from possibly committing defamation per se while talking to a “lawyer” in public.

            Man, DF, you are a MASSIVE DF.

      • He never does, which seems to be his primary problem after having an incurably bad case of the stupids.

        You know, when most men want to spend hundreds of dollars being humiliated,they hire a dominatrix privately.

        I have to say that I prefer Oliver Wendell Jones’ method. It’s given me years of amusement without spending a dime.

  6. New Doom Clock!!

    Please please please please BE FOOLISH and FILE!

  7. Bill says

    What he really meant is “I spent 5 min getting free advice from an Internet lawyer and I even lied to him about the core issue.”

    Oh Bill, don’t ever change. I don’t care that people tell you that your aren’t funny. You are HILARIOUS!

    • Lulzsuit VII, should it come to pass, can’t be heard in Wisconsin.

      A DUMBFUCK is adding Doe defendants, who he cannot prove live outside of the Badger State, therefore he cannot establish diversity of citizenship, which I believe is a DUMBFUCK’s duty under the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure,. That’s a problem he had in Lulzsuit IV, but he never learns.

      It’s almost certain that it would be heard in North Carolina.

      But it must be pretty fun to be sued by people who don’t read the law.

      • He’s missing something else, which he hit on with his “meetings” with his imaginary Internet lawyers. When he understands what it is, the fear pee will run wild.

  8. Since the identity of the Diminished Capacity Kid’s stellar legal team has come to light, I suspect that we’re in for a REBRANDING any minute now.

  9. I would suggest that Bill Schmalfeldt not ever hire an attorney. Once the lawyer is duty-bound to pursue the best interests of Bill Schmalfeldt he might just have Schmalfeldt involuntarily committed.

  10. Doesn’t a DUMBFUCK like SURPRISES?

    Tick, tock.

      • His asking assumes a knowledge of things which he clearly doesn’t have.

        But I have a feeling that the answer will be incredible.

          • “Dear Ely,

            HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE says that Palmer and Johnson have a lawyer that I don’t know about, even though they aren’t required to tell me a goddamned thing for another two weeks.

            Doesn’t being a DUMBFUCK give me all the rights of an actual attorney?

            It doesn’t work this way on TV, except sometimes on “The Good Wife.”

            I gave you a big tip, so please don’t tell me anything I don;t want to hear, like the truth.”

  11. How odd. The plaintiff keeps claiming that he has an attorney. Why hasn’t that attorney put in an appearance or filed any motions on the plaintiff’s behalf?

    • We are dealiong with an elite cadre here. Remember the secret pardon. My personal suspicion is that Ruth Bader Ginsburg is acting pro bono as Willie’s sub-rosa attorney. Of course, if the case ever reaches the Supreme Court she should recuse herself, but having acted cladestinely, she may not.

      Eli et al are just cover.

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