SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
JOHN: Where was I when we left off? Oh, yeah …
JOHN: (Through small speaker) Of course, The Grouch wasn’t pleased about the pushback he was getting from the people he had been cyberharassing, and he responded with his own legal strategy—yet another LOLsuit and threats of filing his restraining orders. But those are topics we should cover later …
JOHN: (Full mike) And now is later, so let’s take a look at that LOLsuit.
THE GROUCH: (Through small speaker) (Fading up) … and John Does and Jane Roes for damages, state law torts, unlawful use of computerized communications equipment, harassment, invasion of privacy/right of publicity, stalking, defamation per se, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and mopery with intent to lurk.
JOHN: As usual for one of The Grouch’s LOLsuits, he tried to sue for a number of things that can’t be a cause of action in a civil suit. And then there was the problem that tripped him up in his first federal LOLsuit last year, diversity of citizenship. I’ll let the judge from that case explain.
JUDGE: The jurisdiction of the federal courts is limited. Federal jurisdiction is available only when a “federal question” is presented or the parties are of diverse citizenship and the amount in question exceeds $75,000. The diversity statute requires complete diversity of parties. Complete diversity of parties means that no party on one side may be a citizen of the same state as any party on the other side.
JOHN: Diversity of citizenship isn’t taken for granted. It must be demonstrated by the plaintiff.
JUDGE: The burden of establishing subject-matter jurisdiction rests on the party invoking the jurisdiction of the court. There is no presumption that jurisdiction is vested in the court.
JOHN: So has The Grouch been able to show that none of the John Does or Jane Roes he is suing reside in Wisconsin? Several lawyers that I’ve talked to say he hasn’t shown that diversity exists until he proves none of the Does and Roes reside in Wisconsin.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
ANNOUNCER: Spring is just around the corner, but it isn’t here yet. It’s still going to be cold for several more weeks. On days like this, I’m glad to have my Team Lickspittle Hoodie as an extra layer of warm clothing. It and other Team Lickspittle items are some of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
THE GROUCH: (Through small speaker) (Fading out) Plaintiff plans to seek John Doe subpoenas to determine the identities of the following anonymous commentators …
JOHN: And he has quite a list. Some of them are known to live outside the United States, so there’s no diversity issue with them. But most of the others live in parts unknown. At least one has knotty connections to Wisconsin and may actually live there. So what will happen if it The Grouch still has remaining defendants which he can’t prove are not Wisconsin residents?
JUDGE: Under those circumstances, there is no basis for diversity of citizenship under 28 U.S.C § 1332. Consequently, the complaint will be dismissed pursuant to Federal Rule of Civil Procedure 12(h)(3) which states, “If the court determines at any time that it lacks subject-matter jurisdiction, the court must dismiss the action.”
JOHN: And he’s already burned his one free amendment to his complaint. Of course, jurisdiction is only the least of The Grouch’s problems with his LOLsuit. There plenty of other fatal errors that turned up.
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Grouch and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.