ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!


ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.


JOHN: Where was I when we left off? Oh, yeah …

JOHN: (Through small speaker) Of course, The Grouch wasn’t pleased about the pushback he was getting from the people he had been cyberharassing, and he responded with his own legal strategy—yet another LOLsuit and threats of filing his restraining orders. But those are topics we should cover later …

JOHN: (Full mike) And now is later, so let’s take a look at that LOLsuit.

THE GROUCH: (Through small speaker) (Fading up) … and John Does and Jane Roes for damages, state law torts, unlawful use of computerized communications equipment, harassment, invasion of privacy/right of publicity, stalking, defamation per se, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and mopery with intent to lurk.

JOHN: As usual for one of The Grouch’s LOLsuits, he tried to sue for a number of things that can’t be a cause of action in a civil suit. And then there was the problem that tripped him up in his first federal LOLsuit last year, diversity of citizenship. I’ll let the judge from that case explain.

JUDGE: The jurisdiction of the federal courts is limited. Federal jurisdiction is available only when a “federal question” is presented or the parties are of diverse citizenship and the amount in question exceeds $75,000. The diversity statute requires complete diversity of parties. Complete diversity of parties means that no party on one side may be a citizen of the same state as any party on the other side.

JOHN: Diversity of citizenship isn’t taken for granted. It must be demonstrated by the plaintiff.

JUDGE: The burden of establishing subject-matter jurisdiction rests on the party invoking the jurisdiction of the court. There is no presumption that jurisdiction is vested in the court.

JOHN: So has The Grouch been able to show that none of the John Does or Jane Roes he is suing reside in Wisconsin? Several lawyers that I’ve talked to say he hasn’t shown that diversity exists until he proves none of the Does and Roes reside in Wisconsin.


ANNOUNCER: Spring is just around the corner, but it isn’t here yet. It’s still going to be cold for several more weeks. On days like this, I’m glad to have my Team Lickspittle Hoodie as an extra layer of warm clothing. It and other Team Lickspittle items are some of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.


THE GROUCH: (Through small speaker) (Fading out) Plaintiff plans to seek John Doe subpoenas to determine the identities of the following anonymous commentators …

JOHN: And he has quite a list. Some of them are known to live outside the United States, so there’s no diversity issue with them. But most of the others live in parts unknown. At least one has knotty connections to Wisconsin and may actually live there. So what will happen if it The Grouch still has remaining defendants which he can’t prove are not Wisconsin residents?

JUDGE: Under those circumstances, there is no basis for diversity of citizenship under 28 U.S.C § 1332. Consequently, the complaint will be dismissed pursuant to Federal Rule of Civil Procedure 12(h)(3) which states, “If the court determines at any time that it lacks subject-matter jurisdiction, the court must dismiss the action.”

JOHN: And he’s already burned his one free amendment to his complaint. Of course, jurisdiction is only the least of The Grouch’s problems with his LOLsuit. There plenty of other fatal errors that turned up.


ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Grouch and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!


ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

34 thoughts on “Blogsmoke

  1. Your president and his then-Democratic Congress complicated libel and defamation litigation against foreign nationals greatly in passing the SPEECH Act of 2010. in the laughably low likelihood that “The Grouch” were to win, it’s even less likely that any foreign court would co-operate in executing his American judgement. And execution, it turns out, is what matters.

    International covenants rely on reciprocity, which the United States has violated with that law. Oopsie poopsie.

    By the way, “The Grouch,” in executing his judgement, would have to appear in the courts of the defendants home countries to execute, arguing under their laws and in their languages. It’s my understanding that grouches aren’t unlike trolls, and don’t care much for travel.

    • One thing I simply cannot wait to see is a motion that effectively says, “Your Honor, I’m just an average guy with nine stalking/no-contact orders against him in a multitude of states, but I’d really like the names and home addresses of people I don’t like. Would you help a fella out?”

      That will be truly and unspeakably awesome to read.

        • Actually, i didn’t. “The Grouch” helpfully put that in his First Amended Complaint, as an exhibit and everything, so the Court is already aware of what he finds “funny.”

          He’s really more helpful than he’s given credit for.

          • I’m not sure the defendants could have had an easy time getting those boyscout’s fantasy recordings or transcripts into evidence. But thanks to Bill and his complete lack of intelligence……..BAM…….there they are in the FAC. Thanks Bill, you just saved them several motions and the corresponding time.

  2. So, does the word “must” in Rule 12(h)(3) really mean “may,” or is that only for Rule 45(d)(1) in Maryland? Inquiring minds want to know.

    • I vote that we let the guy who didn’t bother finding out that False Light Invasion of Privacy doesn’t exist in his jurisdiction figure it out for himself.

      There’s a reason they call him Oliver Wendell Jones!

  3. “Least of his problems”, indeed. It is fascinating, watching someone pull the trigger on himself. Sad, in an abstract way, but fascinating.

    On the train, early, because it’s Friday.

    Colonel Mustard in the library with the Oxford Unabridged.

  4. I should say that when I’m feeling down and lost in life, “The Grouch’s” misapplication of diversity of citizenship in Lulzsuit III makes me smile and reaffirms to me that better days are always ahead. It puts a spring in my step and a smile on my face, and out into the big world I go! It’s just that magical to me.

      • So, so cold. BRRRRRRRR! It’s be terrible to have Parkinson’s up here!

        And did you know that court business can be conducted entirely in French here as a result of official bilingualism? That sure is something!

        • You know I heard that. I also heard that recently your courts decided to protect free speech on the interwebz. Ain’t life grand?

          • It’s a little bit more complicated than that, but it’s certainly something that I’m willing to test. My law allows for what is known as “fair comment.”

            Since I demonstrably know more about U.S law than “The Grouch” does, who wants to bet that I’m also more expert in my own country’s than he is?

            Oh, and who knows that someone with so many restraining orders against him would even be admissible to other countries? Did you know that border agencies share that sort of information? It’s true!

          • Of course, he could always hire a local lawyer, but that could get pricey. My city is bigger than Chicago and is the business and commercial center of the country. An average barrister here starts at about $300 an hour and gets considerably more expensive if he or she specializes in defamation law and/or the execution of foreign judgments.

            Oh, and I’d challenge that such a judgement even CAN be executed, given the American SPEECH Act, so expertise in international law might be handy, too.

            Pretty soon, that could cost about a grand an hour. More if I decide to hold the hearings in French.

            But I’m sure that “The Grouch” can pull it off. He’s a people person! Also, who can’t imagine listening to him and thinking, “You know, he makes a great point?”

          • Ai-je jamais dit qu’un ami proche de la mine est un partenaire dans un cabinet d’avocats?

      • You know, I’m pretty sure that I read somewhere that accusing somebody of spousal neglect can get you sued! Can’t remember who wrote it, though.

  5. This hypothetical “Grouch” person also seems to have obliterated any case he has against the hypothetical Does and Roes in at least two ways that don’t include diversity with his First Amended Complaint. You know, hypothetically,

    If he existed, this Grouch would be a true DUMBFUCK.

    • I just knew that this whole thing was a ‘Funny or Die’ sketch.
      Wish it could go on, but now we know the truth. Bravo though.

      Was Bill even a real person?

      • In the courthouses of Baltimore and Milwaukee, he’s considered a legend and a phantom. They read his lulzsuits and motions, but don’t believe he’s real. The older clerks, though, the ones who work midnights and holidays, they know better.

        They know that he’s real and that he’s out there. And they’re waiting to see what he does next.

Leave a Reply