Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign


Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once. Telephone receiver picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Hey, Johnny. How’s that report for the peace order case coming?

JOHNNY: I was just running the final spell and grammar check. It’ll be ready later this evening.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Great. Email it as soon as you finish.

JOHNNY: It’s too long to email. I’ll put in your Dropbox. There are a couple things that I want to go over in person.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Let me read the report first. Are you available tomorrow?

JOHNNY: Why don’t I come by around 2?

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of the No Contact Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber I thought you were an expert at stalking and harassment.

SOUND: Car door opens and closes. Footsteps across parking lot.

JOHNNY: (Voiceover) The Bomber had been suing bloggers who were writing about him, and he’d been unsuccessful. Pro Bono was a lawyer who had stepped forward to defend the bloggers’ First Amendment rights from The Bomber’s lawfare, and he’d won the first of the several cases The Bomber had filed. The Bomber had previously sought peace orders against one of Pro Bono’s clients, and both of those petitions had been denied. Now, he was seeking another peace order against another one of Pro Bono’s clients who he accused of harassing a member of The Bomber’s family. I’d been hired to research the background of the case.

SOUND: Footsteps out. Knock on door.

PRO BONO: (Muffled) Come in.

SOUND Door opens and closes.

PRO BONO: Hi, Johnny. Take a seat.

SOUND: Chair pulled out.

JOHNNY: Thanks. What do think?

PRO BONO: It looks good, but are you sure it’s complete?

JOHNNY: I’m sure. Look, your client has only ever taken one blog post down, and he didn’t really do that. It’s still on his site, but it’s marked private. I was able to see it when he gave me a password. That’s a complete inventory of almost four years of posts. You’ve got every single reference to The Bomber’s family.

PRO BONO: It’s all matter of fact.

JOHNNY: Yeah. The only “interest” shown—if you can call it that—was to mention who was present at particular court hearings and the like.

PRO BONO: I’ve got that, but what was this stuff you wanted to show me?

JOHNNY: (Fading out) OK. Flip over to page ten and …

ANNOUNCER: Winter has finally decided to stick around for a while. It’s gonna be one of those cold nights when you want to something warm to drink, say a good cup of coffee in a Johnny Atsign mug. Another good way to fight that chill is a Team Lickspittle blanket wrap. Why not get yours today? Team Lickspittle sweatshirts and hoodies are just some of the trinkets you can waste your hard-earned cash on, stuff exclusively available at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar or buy doing your Amazon shopping via the link on the Home page.

JOHNNY: A couple of days later, the hearing was held on The Bomber’s peace order petition. Most peace order hearings are over in a few minutes. The Bomber took over an hour to try to make his case, so the judge had to take a break for lunch.

SOUND: Restaurant background fades up.

PRO BONO: All we’re going to need to do is put you on stand to deny the allegations.

CLIENT: Uh, huh.

JOHNNY: You won’t need my testimony?

PRO BONO: (Fading out) Not likely. Now, let’s go over what he might ask on cross examination. Is there …

SOUND: Restaurant background out.

JUDGE: It’s clear that there is no basis for a peace order here. There is no evidence of any contact, direct or indirect. Sir, you may not like what is being written about you, but it is true, and telling the truth about you does not constitute harassment of your family. You need to find another way to deal with your discomfort about your own past. The petition is denied.

SOUND: Gavel

PRO BONO: Thank you, Your Honor.

BAILIFF: All rise.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber You seem to have an awfully short fuze.

JOHNNY: The Bomber filed a second RICO lawsuit the Monday following his Friday loss of that peace order petition, and he included Pro Bono’s client as a defendant. Some folks thought that looked like retaliation. Then the very next day, the first RICO suit was dismissed.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber #Loser

JOHNNY: Next time? Truth is stranger than fiction. Imagine what this would be like if it weren’t fiction. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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