Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

Because the Great Snowpocalypse of 2016 is supposedly on the way, we’ve sent the LBS crew home early this evening. BLOGSMOKE won’t be presented, but we do have a two-part presentation of JOHNNY ATSIGN cued up. Here’s Part Two—

Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype phone rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter) Atsign, it’s Bradshaw.

JOHNNY: Why, Lieutenant, to what do I owe the honor once again?

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter) Cut the sarcasm, Atsign. Look, I called to say, “Thanks,” for that help last week.

JOHNNY: Oh. Well, in that case, “You’re welcome.”

LT. BRADSHAW: (Telephone Filter) If you’re headed down to Annapolis and Baltimore any time soon, I’d like to ask for another couple of favors.

JOHNNY: As a matter of fact I am. What’s on your mind?

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Missing Paperwork Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @LtBradshaw This spirit of cooperation could ruin our cop/detective competition schtick.

JOHNNY: Bradshaw and I go way back. We first worked together in radio on a public station in LA. We both moved on, and so did the show we worked on. It moved to a another public station for a while before hitting the big time. That second public station never was massively popular, and in recent years it’s fallen off the rating charts. While I’ve never been associated with that second station, Bradshaw has worked with them occasionally. Bradshaw had asked me to conduct an investigation on that station’s behalf.

During my investigation. I uncovered a connection between The Grouch, The Bomber, and a radio personality named Bud Friedeggs that provided a possible explanation as to how The Grouch had temporarily been the station’s feed to fill some of the dead air on his Internet radio station. Friedeggs had a daily program on the station, and he was the cofounder of one of The Bomber’s not-for-profits.

Now, Bradshaw wanted some certified documents related to that not-for-profit. Since I was going to be near the state offices involved, I agreed to pick them up. My first stop was at the Department of Assessment and Taxation.

CLERK 1: OK, here’s the certified copies of the initial corporate filing. The charge is a dollar a page and twenty for the certification.

JOHNNY: Do you take plastic?

CLERK 1: I wish we did. No. Fax transactions must use a credit card, but over-the-counter transactions have to be for cash. Or I can take a check or money order.

JOHNNY: No problem. Here are a couple of twenties.

CLERK 1: Let me get your change.

SOUND: Cash drawer opened.

CLERK 1: Here you go.

JOHNNY: Thanks.

SOUND: Cash drawer closed.

ANNOUNCER: Cold weather’s coming. The Team Lickspittle Blanket Wrap is the multi-tasker’s dream come true and a must have for all homes. Whether it’s watching TV while munching on snacks or chatting on the phone while surfing the web, do it all in the warmth and coziness of this thermo plush blanket. The Team Lickspittle Blanket Wrap has sleeves and pockets for you to conveniently stash your phone, remote, or hands. It’s just one example of the Team Lickspittle, Johnny Atsign, The Grand Hog, Collateral Estoppel, Res Judicata, and Murum Aries Attigit goodies available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, spend some money, and support Team Lickspittle. And remember, folks, you can also support Team Lickspittle by hitting the Tip Jar.

JOHNNY: My next stop was at the Maryland Secretary of State’s Charities Division.

CLERK 2: I’m sorry, Mr. Atsign, but I can’t give you a copy of a registration certificate. That not-for-profit isn’t registered with the State as a charity.

JOHNNY: But I thought charities that raised more that 25k were supposed to register.

CLERK 2: They are. Perhaps this one is affiliated with another, and the fund raising is done through that entity.

JOHNNY: Could be. This one’s a 501(c)(4), and it is connected to a 501(c)(3). Here’s the name, address, and EIN for that one. Have you got a registration for it?

SOUND: Typing on keyboard.

CLERK 2: Uh … no. We don’t. Are you sure these are active charities raising money?

SOUND: Well, calling them charities is a matter of opinion, but according to their IRS Form 990s, they’ve raised over two million bucks.

CLERK 2: I see. Could you hand those papers back to me for a couple of minutes? I need to make some copies.

JOHNNY: Here. Take the whole file.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @LtBradshaw I didn’t get everthing you wanted, but I found what you need.

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? Another old friend turns up. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

19 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. Admiral Kirk: “He won’t break off now. He followed me this far, he’ll be back. But from where?”

    Captain Spock: “He’s quite experienced, but not intelligent. His pattern suggests… wishful thinking.”

    Admiral Kirk: “Full stop.”

    Commander Sulu: “Full stop, sir.”

    Admiral Kirk: “Z minus ten thousand meters. Load torpedo tubes with motions to dismiss. Full spread. He can’t respond to all of them!”

    If you are with Paramount, this is an obvious tribute/parody. If you are not with Paramount, this still isn’t about you, it’s in the future.

  2. May I submit a Modest Proposal.

    February is coming up. It’s the shortest month of the year. I propose what we all collectively turn our backs on Mr. Schmalfeldt. It’s simple. We are the only reason he has to be on the Internet. We are his oxygen. We are the crowd he’s playing to, and he has no other that I know of. Sometimes, I wonder who is the organ-grinder, and who is the monkey-dancer.

    If he had no feedback at all, if he mashes his F5 key all day long and never hears anything about HIM, no butthurt, not even the slightest bit of attention, it would blow what little is left of his mind.

    Think about it. Silence. He would have to think up of something ELSE to do, because refreshing certain websites provides him no pleasure any more.

    This does not mean the Lickspittles/Horde aren’t watching. Or quietly exchanging info behind his back. And cataloging his Internet Spew.

    Even if his LOLsuite implodes in February, he hears and sees nothing.

    On March 1st, we can resume the open mockery if there is anything left to mock.

    Whadya think?

    • Selfishly speaking, I would lose a great deal of entertainment under your proposal.

      But objectively speaking, I think a quiet round of betting on how long it would take for your plan to trigger a Feldtdown of epic proportions to occur could be entertaining in and of itself.

    • No go. He demonstrates an ability to find new targets of opportunity and cyberstalk and harass them IRL. Part of our purpose is to distract him from finding new targets. It’s working.

      • But there’s the thing. Soooo many people watch Bill because his antics are so entertaining. Anybody he attacks gets help and info within minutes instead of days.

        1. Google Bill Schmalfeldt.
        2. Notify local Law Enforcement, your family and your employer. Cut those lines off quickly.
        3. Slap him with legal action if he does not stop.

        The cycle just gets shorter each time. I honestly feel sorry for each target. But the collective knowledge about Bill is catching up with him.

        • What you say is true. However, most new targets (for that matter most people) don’t know how to respond to his harassment and don’t know us either. Contact from us is just as suspicious to them. It still takes time to react and when they do they must waste time, money and energy on The BLOB.

          No, the goal is prevention, that is, preventing The BLOB from finding new targets.

          • But a rant from Blob followed by helpful info by a Watcher who saw Blob do it (remember, he does his thing in Public, on the Internet…) He has nowhere to hide. He only gets his triggers from public areas he can see. See what I mean about Silence for a Month?

          • LurkieLou – this is my last comment on this.

            You said, “He only gets his triggers from public areas…

            Do you think there is no other public area to which he can go besides here? Silence from us is not silence from the world. HE. WILL. FIND. A. NEW. TARGET. Bet on it.

  3. Besides, look how life has turned lately. Bill ramps up the cray while Brett Kimberlin’s life gets worse. Remember how Brett set off bombs as a distraction? Hmmmm?

    • Yeah, but I’m hoping Biwwy blows a gasket from too much tension. I say, let him ramp up the cray-cray until his mushy fat skull explodes.

Leave a Reply