Blogsmoke


BlogsmokeSOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

JOHN: Where was I when we left off? Oh, yeah …

JOHN: (Through small speaker) The Grouch pulled up stakes and headed off to Wisconsin. Given his legal history and situation, that was an interesting choice. Wisconsin is one of the few states that still has a criminal defamation law, and the state has several other statutes that could make The Grouch life quite uncomfortable.

Out of the frying pan ….

JOHN: (Full mike) … and into the fire. One of those laws granted the state’s full faith and credit to protective orders issued by other states.

SOUND: Knocking on door.

GROUCH: (Muffled) Just a minute.

SOUND: Door opened.

GROUCH: Yes.

DEPUTY: I’m looking for someone called The Grouch.

GROUCH: That’s me.

DEPUTY: I have this court order to serve on you.

GROUCH: Not again!

DEPUTY: You need to sign here.

GROUCH: Just a moment. Let me see what I’m signing for. [Pause] This is from Massachusetts. What’s going on?

DEPUTY: You’ll have to read the order and contact the court yourself if you have questions.

GROUCH: But this is from out of state.

DEPUTY: Wisconsin honors and enforces protective orders from all the states. Please sign the receipt.

GROUCH: But …

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

ANNOUNCER: It’s gonna be one of those cold nights when you want to something warm to drink, like a good cup of coffee in a Murum Aries Attigit mug. Another good way to fight that chill is a Team Lickspittle blanket wrap. Why not get yours today? Or maybe a Team Lickspittle sweatshirt or hoodie. They’re just some of the trinkets you can waste your hard-earned cash on, stuff exclusively available at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

JOHN: Being served a restraining order is usually enough to get someone to chill. Not so with The Grouch. That Wisconsin deputy had brought him order number 6. Yep, 6. He had picked up two each from Maryland and Arizona and one from Illinois before adding one from Massachusetts.

Of course, we’re dealing with The Grouch, so …

SOUND: Knocking on door.

GROUCH: (Muffled) I’m coming.

SOUND: Door opened.

GROUCH: Oh, it’s you again.

DEPUTY: I have another order to serve on you.

GROUCH: Not again.

DEPUTY: Please take it.

GROUCH: (Sighs) This one’s from Illinois. Why are these people trying to drag me all over the country?

DEPUTY: (Fading out) I couldn’t say, sir. Please sign the receipt for me, and …

SOUND: Knocking on door.

GROUCH: (Muffled) Just a minute.

SOUND: Door opened.

GROUCH: Oh, no.

DEPUTY: I have another set of papers to serve on you. Here, take them.

GROUCH: North Carolina?

DEPUTY: Sir, for now, we just deliver them, but we will enforce it you violate them. Please sign the receipt.

GROUCH: But these people are attacking me.

DEPUTY: (Fading out) Sir, you should take that up with the court. I only …

JOHN: Of course, The Grouch wasn’t pleased about the pushback he was getting from the people he had been cyberharassing, and he responded with his own legal strategy—yet another LOLsuit and threats of filing his own restraining orders. But those are topics we should cover later.

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Grouch and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

9 thoughts on “Blogsmoke

  1. And to think that (ahem) The Grouch was bragging about those very laws immediately upon his arrival.

    Oopsie pooopsie!

    • Whats that old saying? “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander” Or was it “What’s good for the Grouch is even goodier for the Lickspittles”😃

  2. I notice you didn’t include the “squeak squeak” of the rolly walker coming to the door, followed by muffled “HEEEEENGGGHH HEEEEEENNGGGHH”…

  3. It’s the smell of roast pig, wafting through the air.
    It’s so easy, yet, so easily burnt to dry in-edibleness.
    It’s all about temperature control. Not time.

    This Luau may take awhile but the feast will be worthy of bare-clad hula dancers and sickly sweet rum concoctions.
    The anticipation is as delirious as the menu is delusional.

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