NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
MUSIC: Up, then under …
NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. An adjudicated cyberstalker has filed complaint with his local police department claiming that he is now the victim of harassment. Your job … help get the facts.
MUSIC: Up then under …
ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.
MUSIC: Up and out.
SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.
FRIDAY: It was Thursday, December 17th. It was gray but unseasonably warm in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 2:29 pm when the Sheriff entered Room S-140, Internet Detail, with his cellphone to his ear.
SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room.
SHERIFF: Yes, I believe we may be able to help.
SOUND: Chair pulled out.
SHERIFF: I’m in their office now. Let me put you on speaker with Sergeant Friday and Officer Smith.
Joe, Liz, I got Sergeant Miller on the phone. He’s calling about an online harassment complaint his department has received.
SMITH: Is this the one we were talking about this morning?
SHERIFF: Uh, huh. Sergeant Miller, fill us in.
MILLER: (Telephone Filter) Thanks. We’ve been receiving complaints from a guy who just moved into our area. He says he came to get away from people who were harassing him online and that they’ve continued to come after him here. He says he was from your area.
SMITH: This is Liz Smith. You’re talking about Willy Parvocampus, aren’t you?
MILLER: (Telephone Filter) That’s right. I assume you know him.
FRIDAY: Yeah, we know him. Several gigabytes worth.
MILLER: (Telephone Filter) We googled him, and that’s what led me to call you.
FRIDAY: How can we help?
MILLER: (Telephone Filter) We could use a copy of his rap sheet and any background data.
SMITH: It’s too long for an email, but if you send me your address, I’ll send you a link to a dropbox.
MILLER: (Telephone Filter) Thanks. Sounds like this guy’s got plenty of frequent flyer miles.
SHERIFF: He’s moving past Gold Card status. We may need to create a new category.
FRIDAY: What’s his exact complaint?
MILLER: (Telephone Filter) He’s claiming that he’s being defamed and harassed.
SMITH: From what we know about cases we’ve worked, he’s been served with at least one final restraining order and one temporary since he moved to your area. He’s got multiple orders against him from multiple states.
FRIDAY: But when you analyze his complaint, isn’t he really saying, “It’s unfair. They hit me back.”
MILLER: (Telephone Filter) Yeah, it’s starting to sound like that.
FRIDAY: His problem really stems from something he missed growing up.
MILLER: (Telephone Filter) How’s that?
FRIDAY: He should have paid more attention to those copybook headings.
MUSIC: Stinger and under.
FRIDAY: 4:02 pm.
SMITH: I’ve got all the Parvocampus files uploaded for Miller.
FRIDAY: I’m sure he’ll enjoy them.
SMITH: Well, my desk is clear, and it’s a couple minutes past the end of shift. I need to get over the new sporting goods store at the mall to pick up some presents for the kids. You doing anything special this year, Joe?
FRIDAY: No. I checked the schedule, and we’re off Christmas Day. I may just sleep in.
SMITH: See ya’ tomorrow.
FRIDAY: Yeah. Good night.
MUSIC: Up and under.
FRIDAY: Friday, December 18th. 1:27 pm.
SMITH: Hey, Joe. Look at this. Parvocampus has filed another lawsuit.
FRIDAY: How many does that make this year? Three? Four?
SMITH: Four, it think.
FRIDAY: He must really like courtrooms.
SMITH: How’s that?
FRIDAY: Doesn’t he have a hearing coming up on Tuesday?
NARRATOR: On Tuesday, December 22nd, a hearing was held in the Circuit Court for the 16th Judicial District in Kane County on a final stalking no contact order against Willy Parvocampus. In a moment, the disposition of that petition.
ANNOUNCER: Say, when’s the last time you stopped by The Hogewash Store? If you haven’t been by for a while, you should check out the Res Judicata and Murum Aries Attigit stuff along with all the Team Lickspittle, Collateral Estoppel, and Johnny Atsign trinkets—and then proceed to checkout to spend some of your hard earned money in support of Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
NARRATOR: On Tuesday, December 22nd, a hearing was held in the Circuit Court for the 16th Judicial District in Kane County on a final stalking no contact order against Willy Parvocampus. Parvocampus was not present and the court records were unclear as to whether he had been properly served. The case was continued until January 5th.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.
Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.