Legal LULZ Du Jour

Over at his blog (No, I won’t link to it.), the Cabin Boy™ seems to have his panties in a knot because one of the defendants in his LOLsuit VI: The Undiscovered Krendler isn’t taking one of the “charges” against her seriously enough.

Guess what: no one’s been charged with anything. Black’s Law Dictionary explains that a charge is an “[a]ccusation of a crime by a formal complaint, information or indictment.” Neither the United States nor the State of Wisconsin (or any other state) has indicted anyone based on the Cabin Boy’s™ whining. There are no outstanding criminal summonses. There are no arrest warrants. There’s noting but the Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt’s frivolous, nonsensical civil complaint which no one needs to tend to unless he actually manages of effect service of process on a defendant.

popcorn4bkNot only does the Cabin Boy™ not know what he’s doing, he doesn’t even have the vocabulary to discuss what’s going on.

Meanwhile, I’ll just sit here and point and laugh.

Where’d I put that popcorn?

38 thoughts on “Legal LULZ Du Jour

  1. I’ll go one step further than Ash in saying that Lulzsuit VI is categorically, fundamentally unserious. In that William incorporates every misstatement of fact, legal error and logical fallacy of Lulzsuits I-V in it, Lulzsuit VI may have reached what I like to call “peak William.” It is a comic document in every imaginable way and I’m only sorry that a jury will never have the opportunity to laugh at it along with the 28 defendants.

  2. Bill should know, I do understand the gravity of this suit. I’m hoping my lawyer doesn’t ask to see it while we are at lunch; I’ve never done the Heimlich on a live human being before, much less a lawyer. Comedy can be extremely dangerous in this situation. So I understand the grave nature of handing something of this serious comedy nature to someone while they are eating.

    • It’s been, what, a year?, since he was promising me that they’d be showing up on my doorstep, hauling me off to face federal charges, and then throwing me in a federal pen for not telling him who sent him the boutique manure.

      I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for them if I were you.

      • Ah, the great Slovenian Horseshit Caper of ’14. Good times. So many folks were going to the federal pokey over that, if I recall correctly, for “biological warfare!!11!!”

        Just one of the many fantasies William dreamed up that he convinced himself were true.

        Fun fact. I was in a Slovenian church on Thursday night. They send William their warmest regards.

  3. I mention comedy, and look who pops up? The patron saint of same!

    “Repetition is an Advanced Indicator of Senility.” Also, dementia, if filing basically the same statement of claim six times in 19 months is any indication. Far be it from me to drag Bon Jovi into this cesspool of legal stupidity, but it very much seems that “It’s all the same, only the names have changed!”

    Someone needs to see a neurologist, post-haste. Eh, forget it. Crazy William amuses me, even more than Idiot William does.

    But William does seem to want John to be his lawyer, which is kind of sweet.

    • As a Doe defendant in Lulzsuit VI, I shouldn’t be commenting on it in public. And if I thought there were even the most microscopic trace of seriousness within its pages, I wouldn’t.

      Accordingly, this should serve as my official statement* regarding my inclusion.

      *By no means should this be construed as a waiver of service or admission that I am subject to the jurisdiction of this claim, the court in question, or even the United States generally, as William will learn to his financial detriment. Or would, if he could write something that could survive even a Special Olympics Motion to Dismiss. By the way, will America finally stop giving legal scissors to the Downsy kid?

    • Bill Schmalfeldt doesn’t seem to realize that the following two sentences express a completely different thought:

      “Repetition is an advanced sign of senility;”

      “Repetition is a sign of advanced senility.”

      Here are a two sentences using the two thoughts:

      “If John Hoge were to be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2020 any repeating of words or phases now would be, in retrospect, an advanced sign of senility.”

      “Bill Schmalfeldt’s Lutzsuit VI exhibits advanced senility.”

      It says a lot that all that Bill Schmalfeldt can muster against John Hoge is an accusation that John Hoge isn’t entirely on top of his game due to the effects of ageing. By is own verbal account, Bill Schmalfeldt is demented, and his words are automatically suspect. By his own actions, the folks here accuse him of being evil, and of being batshit crazy.

      Nor, is time exactly on Bill Schmalfeldt’s side. In case he has forgotten, he has suffered from a progressive disease. Whatever decline John Hoge experiences over the years will pale in comparison to the decline Bill Schmalfeldt will suffer.

      Finally, Bill Schmalfeldt is confused about what “repetition” means in context. “Repetition” as a sign of senility refers to conversational speech. People with declining short-term memories may commence speaking, lose their train of thought, and start over creating repetition. Or, they may repeat something they forgot they said a few minutes ago. “Repetition” in posting is completely different. “Repetition” is posting work product is a sign of autism. Bill might want to have a chat with his buddy Neal as to whether, or not, Bill is accusing John of being autistic, and whether, or not, he is claiming that is a bad thing.

  4. William knows so much that isn’t so. He should really really study up on why when he perjured himself by filing IFP that the US Marshall’s service just didn’t dump waivers in the mail. Of course that would require him to actually read past the one thing he finds that he thinks helps him. He should really try reading FRCP (redacted).

  5. It’s always projection with Bill and the Kimber-crew. Even if you did not know anything about them, the fact that they attack Hoge their foes’ sanity and supposed inappropriateness with underage girls would provide a telling crew that, should one scratch the surface, one might find some evidence of dementia and sketchiness on the side of the accusers. And guess what? One does! And from their own mouths!

  6. You know, if you keep jerking Bill’s chain he will have to keep on writing posts about how he doesn’t care that you are jerking his chain, that you are irrelevant, that he pays you no mind, that he is ignoring you, etc etc etc…and he will have to keep doing it over and over and over and over and over and over again.

  7. IANAL, but I’d just have EVERYONE refuse service by mail. Make the a**hole shell out the $$$ for personal service! Oh, and maybe everyone should take a LONG vacation IYKWIM

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