This may become an annual tradition—
NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear could be true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
MUSIC: Up, then under …
NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A notorious cyberbully has been working to ruin the holidays for his victims. Surely, this is one time of the year to give it a rest. Your job … convince him.
MUSIC: Up then under …
ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.
MUSIC: Up and out.
SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.
FRIDAY: It was Tuesday, December 24th. It was cold and beginning to snow in Westminster. We were working the evening watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 6:02 pm when Liz brought the subject into Room S-140. Internet Detail.
SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room.
SMITH: Take a seat.
SOUND: Chairs pulled out.
THUG: OK, what’s the beef that you dragged me in for, and who’s your buddy here?
FRIDAY: My name’s Friday. I’m the sergeant in charge of this detail tonight. Officer Smith invited you here so that we could have a chat.
THUG: Just a chat, huh? So I’m not being held? I’m free to go?
SMITH: Oh, you can leave anytime you want. It just might not be a smart move on your part.
THUG: Whadaya mean?
SMITH: We’d like to give you some friendly advice, something that might keep you out of trouble.
THUG: Oh, so I’m supposed to be all grateful, huh?
FRIDAY: Maybe you will be in a bit. Do you know what time of year it is?
THUG: The last time I checked it was December.
SMITH: Does that mean anything special to you?
THUG: Should it?
FRIDAY: Hanukkah? Christmas? Festivus? Kwanza? Saturnalia? Do any of those ring a bell?
THUG: Oh, that. Bah, humbug!
SMITH: I don’t think he believes in Santa Claus, Joe!
THUG: I don’t believe in anything or anyone I can’t see.
FRIDAY: I suppose that includes historical figures. Do you believe in Lincoln?
THUG: Nah, and I don’t believe in Omaha or Grand Island or Kearney either. Or the Easter Bunny.
SMITH: Not the Easter Bunny, too!
FRIDAY: Mister, you’ve got a real attitude problem. Come with me.
MUSIC: Stinger and under.
FRIDAY: 6:23 pm. I loaded the Thug into our car and drove him over to the local mall.
SOUND: Shopping mall background with Christmas music.
FRIDAY: OK, Mister, what do you see?
THUG: A lot of merchants making a killing.
SOUND: Mall background out. Crossfade to road noise, car interior POV.
FRIDAY: I took him for a ride through a residential neighborhood.
OK, what do you see here?
THUG: I see a lot of fools running up their electric bills.
FRIDAY: 7:39 pm. This guy was a hard case. I drove over to City Park where a local church was having a carol singing and serving hot chocolate and Christmas cookies.
SOUND: Car stops. Car doors open and close as caroling fades up in background.
FRIDAY: So what do you think of this?
THUG: I think we should get some cookies and get outa here.
FRIDAY: Do you ever think of anyone other than yourself?
THUG: Not if I can help it. Rats! Just my luck. The cookies are all gone.
FRIDAY: OK. Let’s go.
KID: Wait a minute. Sir, you can have my cookie.
KID: Here. You can have my cookie. Merry Christmas!
FRIDAY: Go ahead. Take your Christmas present.
THUG: Uh, yeah. Ummm, thanks, kid. (Sniffles)
FRIDAY: What the matter?
THUG: No one’s given me anything for Christmas for years.
FRIDAY: Well, maybe you should start believing in Santa Claus.
THUG: Yeah. You know, maybe I should. Maybe I do.
FRIDAY: How about Lincoln?
THUG: Yeah, Lincoln too. And Grand Island and Kearney, but I’m still not sure about Omaha.
FRIDAY: Merry Christmas!
MUSIC: Up and under.
NARRATOR: You have heard a special edition of Blognet.
ANNOUNCER: I just got the last of my Christmas shopping done. The stocking stuffers are coming from The Hogewash Store. There’s all sorts of interesting goodies available there. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support Team Lickspittle by hitting the Tip Jar.
NARRATOR: All of us here at LBS wish everyone a Merry Christmas!
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1 or A Christmas Carol.
Next Friday is Christmas Day and the LBS crew will have the day off, but they will be back at work on the next Friday, New Year’s Day. Meanwhile, be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.