NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
MUSIC: Up, then under …
NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A blogger has been accused of assault. Your job … get the facts.
MUSIC: Up then under …
ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.
MUSIC: Up and out.
SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.
FRIDAY: It was Monday, March 2nd. It was gray and snowy in Maryland. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The Boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 12:16 pm when we entered Room T104 of the Montgomery County Circuit Courthouse. Technical Services.
SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room.
SMITH: I don’t see anyone. It’s lunch time.
FRIDAY: Some of the workstations are around the corner. Use the call bell on the counter.
SOUND: Bell rings.
CLERK: (Off mike) Be right there.
CLERK: (Full mike) How can I help you?
FRIDAY: I’m Sergeant Friday with Twitter Town. This my partner Officer Smith. We’re looking for some surveillance video. We’re investigating an incident that occurred outside the courtrooms on the 9th floor on the 9th of January. Is that video available?
CLERK: It should be.
SMITH: How do we get a copy?
CLERK: We can provide a DVD.
FRIDAY: How long will it take?
CLERK: If you can identify which courtroom so that we know which camera or cameras cover the area, I could have that ready in a few hours. That, and I’ll need the OK from the Sheriff’s Office since this deals with courthouse security.
FRIDAY: Who handles that for the Sheriff?
CLERK: Lt. Col. Jones. His office is down the hall near the security checkpoint.
SMITH: OK. It was Courtroom 9D. The altercation allegedly occurred just before 11 am on the 9th.
CLERK: Of January?
FRIDAY: We’ll go get the authorization for you to release the video.
CLERK: Have them call me. I’ll start on it as soon as they do. This shouldn’t take long. If they OK the release, I should have the DVD for you by 3 o’clock.
SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps in hallway.
FRIDAY: Well, there’s one thing that never changes.
SMITH: What’s that?
MUSIC: Stinger and under.
FRIDAY: Jones wasn’t available. We left a message, and he got back to us the next day. It took several days, but eventually the DVD of the incident was mailed to us.
Tuesday, March 10th. 11:09 am
SMITH: Joe, there’s a package from Montgomery County Technical Services in the mail.
FRIDAY: Our DVD?
SOUND: Envelope torn open.
SMITH: Yep. With some certification paperwork. We might as well take a look now.
SOUND: DVD being loaded. Mouse clicks.
FRIDAY: That’s the area outside the courtroom. OK, there’s Timberland coming out. This isn’t full motion video.
SMITH: Uh, huh. It looks like about one frame per second.
FRIDAY: OK. There he’s holding up … I guess that’s something like an iPad … and it gets taken from him.
SMITH: He’s still on his feet.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh, but his complaint says that the blow “decked him.”
SMITH: Let me replay that bit.
SOUND: Mouse clicks.
FRIDAY: Yeah. He doesn’t even seem to stumble.
SMITH: These images have to be less that a couple of seconds apart. If he had been knocked down, he couldn’t have got back on his feet that fast.
FRIDAY: He wasn’t knocked down. He wasn’t even knocked off balance. Run it again.
SOUND: Mouse clicks.
SMITH: Ummm. Look, there he raises that iPad. I can understand how someone could think it was a threatening gesture.
FRIDAY: And it gets taken out of his hands.
SMITH: Then the guy disengages and moves across the lobby. He didn’t assault Timberland. What he did is obviously self defense.
FRIDAY: Uh, huh. If an assault occurred, he’s the victim, and Timberland’s the perp. This video proves it. Timberland forgot something important.
SMITH: What’s that?
FRIDAY: Sometimes, Santa Claus isn’t the only one watching you.
MUSIC: Up and under.
NARRATOR: On January 9th, Timberland filed an Application for Statement of Charges against the blogger alleging assault. In a moment, the disposition of those charges.
ANNOUNCER: Speaking of Santa Claus, Christmas is nearly here. Do you have a member of Team Lickspittle on your shopping list? Why not surprise him or her with something from The Hogewash Store. The all sorts of useful and useless stuff to be found there. Stop by, spend some money, support the Team, and delight a Lickspittle on Christmas morning? And remember, you can also support Team Lickspittle by hitting the Tip Jar.
NARRATOR: On January 9th, Timberland filed an Application for Statement of Charges against the blogger alleging assault. Upon review of the evidence, the Montgomery County State’s Attorney’s Office found that there was no support for the charge and a nolle prosequi was entered in the case. The charge was dropped.
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.
Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.