Blogsmoke


After listening to some of the voicemail messages that have been left over the last week or so, I was reminded of this episode from about this time last year.

BlogsmokeSOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

GROUCH: (Telephone Filter) Hi, Peter, this is Willy Parvocampus, calling from Elkridge, Maryland. My phone number is (410) …

SOUND: 400 Hz tone over last seven digits of phone number.

GROUCH: (Telephone Filter) I would like to have a calm, respectable, gentlemanly chat with you … ah … if you care to return my message. Ah … if you care not to return my message, it’s entirely up to you. Happy Thanksgiving. But basically, I just want this whole thing over with. OK? I want to know are you or are you not The Thoughtful Zombie? Honestly. Man to man. If you are The Thoughtful Zombie, that’s fine. Just let me know. If you’re not The Thoughtful Zombie, that’s fine. Just let me know. Also, I haven’t heard a word about what happened in court on … what was that? … Monday. So if you could fill me in on that, either by Twitter or email or whatever, drop me a line. Let’s you and I communicate and just end this nonsense, Peter. What you think? Again, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. Bye.

SOUND: Hangup click.

GRAYSON: (Telephone Filter) Well, Sheriff, what do you think about that?

JOHN: It certainly sounds like him, and the speech patterns are like his. Yes, I believe that is Parvocampus.

GRAYSON: (Telephone Filter) So what do I do with it?

JOHN: Regardless of whether or not the order was effective when he made the call, he won’t get dinged for it. Hell, he will argue that it was a good-faith attempt to find out the status of your petition. But we know he’s been served now. Pass this voicemail on to you local police and let them begin building a file.

GRAYSON: (Telephone Filter) OK.

JOHN: Meanwhile, I’m going to take a look at some possibilities on this end.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

ANNOUNCER: It’s been a long day here at the studio. Don’t get me wrong—I like my job—but today’s been a bit of a grind. Fortunately, I’ll be off work soon, and I plan to cheer myself up with a sip or two of something soothing. I’ll be sipping that beverage from a Team Lickspittle Drinking Glass. It and other Team Lickspittle items are some of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

SOUND: Quiet office background.

SERGEANT GILLESPIE: Oh, yeah, we know who you’re talking about. You say he’s now got outstanding orders in Carroll County, Arizona, and Illinois?

JOHN: Yep.

OFFICER TIBBS: He’s right, Bill. I just verified the Illinois order. Our Sheriff’s Office received it for service.

SERGEANT GILLESPIE: OK. Why are you bringing this up to us?

JOHN: You’d agree that being served with a petition for a stalking no contact order is reasonable notice that further contact is not desired?

SERGEANT GILLESPIE: Yeah.

JOHN: You’d agree that those emails I showed you and that voicemail I played for you are attempts to contact?

SERGEANT GILLESPIE: Uh, huh.

JOHN: Would you think that they establish a course of conduct?

SERGEANT GILLESPIE: OK, I see where you’re going. 3-803, right?

JOHN: Exactly.

OFFICER TIBBS: I don’t know if the State’s Attorney will prosecute.

JOHN: It’s based on an out-of-state order. Don’t they usually enforce them.

SERGEANT GILLESPIE: Usually. Virgil, give him one of your cards.

OFFICER TIBBS: Here. Have him call me if he gets any more calls or emails.

JOHN: Thanks, guys.

SOUND: Background out

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Who knows what drivel lurks in the hearts of men? Perhaps we will find out in a future episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

2 thoughts on “Blogsmoke

  1. I wonder if Willy Parvocampus is related to Bill Parvocampus, the plagiarist and copyright thief? Perhaps they’re monoplacental twins.

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