Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype phone rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Good evening, Johnny.

JOHNNY: Hello! What’s up?

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Have you been following The Grouch’s Twitter feed this weekend

JOHNNY: No, I went fishing. I just got back.

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) You need to take a look. He’s going nuts faildoxing people over The Zombie’s identity

JOHNNY: Will he ever give it a rest?

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Missing Unperson Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch Faildoxing again I see.

JOHNNY: The Grouch was going crazy with threats to dox third parties unless he was given The Zombie’s sekrit identity. He had his whole schtick going, including a doom clock. Since he seem to be concentrating on [redacted]


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JOHNNY: My next stop was at the office of a lawyer I had worked with in a related case. He had among his clients a company that [redacted]


JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @rsmccoy You were right!

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? Same song, second verse. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

60 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. Bunny Boy must have drawn the short straw this time and is tasked with being his handler, given that The Grouch keeps copying him on most of his harassing tweets. I wonder if The Grouch gets paid for these jobs? His pals sure do.

  2. You really are slipping with the scripts, Mr. Hoge, and I’m afraid the production company has decided to let you go. Perhaps either Lynn Thomas will hire you to pick her scabs, or Aaron Walker will let you check his car for bombs. But these scripts, Mr. Hoge, It’s like they were thrown together in five minutes by some sort of mentally disabled, mountainous manchild, and we agreed your son was no longer allowed to submit scripts.

    Good luck with your future endeavors and our love to Connie,

    F. King Muldoon, CEO
    Lickspittle Broadcasting System

    • Will he be able to receive as quick of a turnover from Dear Abby, Ann Landers, Dave Ramsey and Kim Commando as necessary to fill his show? And, will they know he will be repeating their free advice for commercial purposes?

  3. Drunk. Check
    Stupid. Check
    Alone. Check
    Failed. Check
    Stumbled. Check
    Fired. Check
    Stolen valor. Check
    Evicted. Soon

  4. The Merry Widower. That just makes me shudder. Some other options:
    The Sassy Sodomite
    The Cheerful Coprophiliac
    The Moody Molester
    The Mendacious Malingerer

    • We all have a pretty good idea of how the sordid tale of Bill Schmalfeldt will end.

      A number of Widowers are in fact severely depressed. Bill Schmalfeldt ought to seriously consider the ramifications of volunteering to be a role model for other widowers. We wouldn’t them following the example of Bill Schmalfeldt, IYKWIMAITTYD.

  5. Most folks put their alcoholic beverage of choice in a glass to responsibly enjoy.

    But, oh no. Not the Deranged Cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt. He takes his by the BOTTLE!

    Now it all makes perfect sense. THAT’S why all of his gnarly, mayo-stained t-shirts are emblazoned with his name. So after *CHUG CHUG CHUG* *GLUG GLUG GLUG* the stalking sociopath can simply look down past his six chins and be reminded of his name.


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