ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—
SOUND: Skype phone rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Good evening, Johnny.
JOHNNY: Hello! What’s up?
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Have you been following The Grouch’s Twitter feed this weekend
JOHNNY: No, I went fishing. I just got back.
RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) You need to take a look. He’s going nuts faildoxing people over The Zombie’s identity
JOHNNY: Will he ever give it a rest?
MUSIC: Theme up and under.
ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Missing Unperson Matter.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch Faildoxing again I see.
JOHNNY: The Grouch was going crazy with threats to dox third parties unless he was given The Zombie’s sekrit identity. He had his whole schtick going, including a doom clock. Since he seem to be concentrating on [redacted]
[redacted]
ANNOUNCER: Cold weather’s coming. The Team Lickspittle Blanket Wrap is the multi-tasker’s dream come true and a must have for all homes. Whether it’s watching TV while munching on snacks or chatting on the phone while surfing the web, do it all in the warmth and coziness of this thermo plush blanket. The Team Lickspittle Blanket Wrap has sleeves and pockets for you to conveniently stash your phone, remote, or hands. It’s just one example of the Team Lickspittle, Johnny Atsign, The Grand Hog, Collateral Estoppel, Res Judicata, and Murum Aries Attigit goodies available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, spend some money, and support Team Lickspittle. And remember, folks, you can also support Team Lickspittle by hitting the Tip Jar.
JOHNNY: My next stop was at the office of a lawyer I had worked with in a related case. He had among his clients a company that [redacted]
[redacted]
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @rsmccoy You were right!
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next time? Same song, second verse. Join us, won’t you?
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.
Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
I was going to say “First!!!”, but [redacted]
[redacted]!
[redacted]. [redacted].
Heh.
It’ll be even colder in WI! Brrr.
Bunny Boy must have drawn the short straw this time and is tasked with being his handler, given that The Grouch keeps copying him on most of his harassing tweets. I wonder if The Grouch gets paid for these jobs? His pals sure do.
It can’t be enough.
(Redacted) (redacted) bag of dicks (redacted)
Do you think the fat bastard knows they call him Fat Bastard behind his back?
Odd, that;s what we call YOU!
You really are slipping with the scripts, Mr. Hoge, and I’m afraid the production company has decided to let you go. Perhaps either Lynn Thomas will hire you to pick her scabs, or Aaron Walker will let you check his car for bombs. But these scripts, Mr. Hoge, It’s like they were thrown together in five minutes by some sort of mentally disabled, mountainous manchild, and we agreed your son was no longer allowed to submit scripts.
Good luck with your future endeavors and our love to Connie,
F. King Muldoon, CEO
Lickspittle Broadcasting System
Has anyone ever seen this sort of negative comment on one of Mr. Bill’s blogs?
Bueller? Bueller?
He doesn’t have the BBs to compete the dissenting opinions. Too much fear pee to mop up.
His blogs vanish ever 2 days so why bother. #Rebranding
Hey, DUMBFUCK!
You want another go, you puling sissy?
“If I knew who this thief was, I would easily win a copyright infringement suit, not to mention various civil torts and criminal charges that could be brought against him.”
Come on, coward…pull the trigger. Come get some, you goddamn loser.
You got nothing! Nothing, you worthless turdsniffing troll!
Bring your best, and double it! I’ll curb stomp you all over again, you cub-scout rape loving dickbag.
I’m going to piss in your whiskey and drink your milkshake every fucking day until God does us all the One Great Favor and strokes you out.
Have a great night, asshole.
Language!
Is he not going to understand? Too many big words?
No, say it again in Latin.
The amazing thing is Bill doesn’t realize we know he’s failed, again. He pulls the same “cunning stunts” again and again, and seems surprised — and angered — when no one falls for them.
Bill, I’d bet you’re still horrified when someone plays “I got your nose”.
THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Threats from behind an anonymous sock. Classic pussy blowhard! “Come get some!” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Pot.
Kettle.
BANG!
Or like Hoggy calling Bill fat. Every member of Hoge’s fucking family wears a bra. Buy a goddam treadmill!
You should buy an education. How many lawns will you have to cut to pay for a first semester?
BTW — Bill claims, for the fourth time, do have conclusively identified Krendler. Thus it’s not a pseudonym, is it?
Unless Bill’s lying, again, in another attempt to punish someone, anyone, for his own powerlessness.
Haven’t you been paying attention, poodle?
THIS TIME HE’S REALLY, REALLY GOT ME! FOR SURE! EVEN BUNNY BOY HAS SPOKEN!
There can be no doubt any longer. DUMBFUCK has to file the lawsuit now! If he doesn’t, 😉😉😉😉 well gosh he might as well have lit $2000 on fire to warm up his whiskey! 😉😉😉😉
Otherwise? Dripping monkey twat. Now. Forever.
But you can still get you rocks off by petting him when he cries, amirite?
[redacted]
http://media-verticommnetwork1.netdna-ssl.com/wines/johnnie-walker-red-label-1l-634724-s209.jpg
No, Blob. It’s not at all like you wrote them. No butt stuff, no underage [redacted], and they don’t go on long past the point of anyone caring.
The Merry Widower. Bill Schmalfeldt is happy he’s a widower? How … odd.
Give Hoggy a few more months, he’ll be the same way.
Hammered all the time? Six restraining orders? Brushing his teeth with JWR? I think not.
A lady I know is throwing her husband a retirement party in May.
She was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in 1999.
I do hope that Mrs. Hoge does as well.
Wasn’t Mike a lawyer last time he opened his maw in Maryland? Damn he is edumacated.
Uh, huh. Sure. That didn’t last long. A day?
https://twitter.com/TheMerryWidower/status/663781030214639616
Apparently widowers are all obsessed with Krendler.
Who knew?
Will he be able to receive as quick of a turnover from Dear Abby, Ann Landers, Dave Ramsey and Kim Commando as necessary to fill his show? And, will they know he will be repeating their free advice for commercial purposes?
[redacted]
Hic!
[redacted]
Hic!
A walk down memory lane. October of last year, when the guy who is merry at being widowed faildoxed Chris Heather.
http://web.archive.org/web/20141004210028/http://anonymouscowardsanonymous.wordpress.com
Drunk. Check
Stupid. Check
Alone. Check
Failed. Check
Stumbled. Check
Fired. Check
Stolen valor. Check
Evicted. Soon
http://i.imgur.com/SEeoDKh.jpg
Fancy digs, Duke…
Too damn good for him.
A Bridge Too Far?
The other winos are going to assist his fat wobbly ass into traffic, forthwith.
I think I saw that during my playthrough of Fallout 4…
Its,
Drunk. Check.
Fat. Check.
Stupid. Check.
Apt to remain so for the remains of his days. Check.
It really isn’t a good way to go through life.
The Merry Widower. That just makes me shudder. Some other options:
The Sassy Sodomite
The Cheerful Coprophiliac
The Moody Molester
The Mendacious Malingerer
How about Gail’s Abuser?
We all have a pretty good idea of how the sordid tale of Bill Schmalfeldt will end.
A number of Widowers are in fact severely depressed. Bill Schmalfeldt ought to seriously consider the ramifications of volunteering to be a role model for other widowers. We wouldn’t them following the example of Bill Schmalfeldt, IYKWIMAITTYD.
Most folks put their alcoholic beverage of choice in a glass to responsibly enjoy.
But, oh no. Not the Deranged Cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt. He takes his by the BOTTLE!
Now it all makes perfect sense. THAT’S why all of his gnarly, mayo-stained t-shirts are emblazoned with his name. So after *CHUG CHUG CHUG* *GLUG GLUG GLUG* the stalking sociopath can simply look down past his six chins and be reminded of his name.
*HIC*
http://i.imgur.com/wnDv9x6.jpg
Think he’s learned to tie his shoes since that picture was taken?
I hope he enjoys that JWR while the $$ lasts, after he pisses it way it’ll be Mad Dog 20/20 nightly I’m sure.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:MD_2020.jpg
Let’s try again.
http://flickr.com/photos/43776406@N00/2563480380
What’s the word? Thunderbird!
What’s the price? Forty twice!
Hic! 😂
Just kidding! 🙂
Is that a real moustache, or did someone give him a Dirty Sanchez? There must be some reason he associates facial hair with fecal matter, right?
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/43628690113243941/
I’m not going to bother looking it up; I’m just going to make the assumption that there are…other causes more often tied to that sort of dermatitis.
Notice he’s keeping the bottle down near his refill spigot? He must like Coors Lite.