I’m Not Making This Up, You Know

According to PACER, The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt really did file this—

UPDATE—Among the first bits of nonsense one finds in the Cabin Boy’s™ opposition is the whining that Patrick Grady has filled four motions, etc., without answering the Cabin Boy’s™ complaint. Rule 12(b) motions are made and disposed of before any answer is filed. In the Kimberlin v. The Universe, et al. RICO Madness, I filed more than a dozen motions, oppositions, replies, etc., before the case was dismissed. I never filed an answer; that case never got that far.

popcorn4bkSimilarly, I doubt that any of the defendants will ever have to answer Schmalfeldt’s complaint. That’s not to say that one won’t do so. A defendant would have to answer the complaint to file any counterclaims or …

Stay tuned.


90 thoughts on “I’m Not Making This Up, You Know

    • I think it’s pretty remarkable that he’s recovered enough strength to get to post office to deliver it all by himself. Just five weeks ago, he couldn’t.

      Oh. Right.

  1. Ahahahahahahah!



    Seriously, I never thought I could see so much stupid packed into so few pages. If I could communicate with Bill directly, I would be begging him to talk to an actual lawyer, or at least someone who has slept with a lawyer, or been smacked with Black’s Law Dictionary a few time. Even a million monkeys with a million typewriters in the Yale Law Library would do a better job than him.

    In other news, go check my blog. Like… now.

    • Not sure if you forgot (or intended to) leave BK’s address in your suit. Normally, that info is redacted by WJJH and you

      • One wonders if this Ely is the lawyer character name from a defunct ABC show a few years ago, Eli Stone? In that show the Character had a Brain tumor and hallucinations. One just wonders…..

    • I just now finally read and finished your complaint, the best thing I can say about it is almost every thing you alleged is based on Court Documents. IMHO F. Lee Bailey would have a hard time defending against this.

    • The corpulent coprophile cuckold will not do so, because a competent lawyer would tell him his plans, born out of onanistic revenge fantasies, are very stupid, unworkable and unwise. In other words a lawyer will tell BS what he needs to hear, not what he wants to hear.

  2. Is it possible to have the website produce a page such as shown in Exhibit A? Without any other posts? Or is that a construction of cut and paste?

  3. It appears that William has laid off the bottle and went directly to LSD.

    I’m not sure that’s wise.

    • I believe that because he’s relying on his ill-gotten rage welfare to pay for it, it gets filed and posted on PACER before the U.S Marshals take up delivery.

      But that’s just a guess.

      • Excellent point. I wonder if that’s enough to have it stricken. Y’know, once the clerks and the judge stop shaking their heads and laughing,

  4. As I’m not a lawyer, someone correct me if I’m wrong: Bill’s latest butthurt is that Grady hasn’t filed a demail of Bill’s accusations. But Grady filed a motion to dismiss, which hasn’t been ruled on. Grady is under no obligation to file anything else, is he? Isn’t the first question before the court whether it’s even the right court?

    And, Bill, having a friend deliver some paperwork doesn’t count as conducting business in the state.

    And your “pseudonym for Grady” addition to the copyright registration assumes facts not in evidence. You THINK that’s true, but have never offered any evidence beyond the two used the same throw-away insult.

    I’m surprised your printer didn’t have a fit of honesty and print the whole thing in Comic Sans.

      • The only drawback is there’s no where NEAR enough space on line 9 to quote all of the reasons someone can conclude BS has a mental disorder, and there are too many occupying the top shelf to whittle down the options. I guess “Google his name” would have to suffice.

      • Maybe, just maybe, we’re all wrong about his being a soused psychopath. There are other possibilities, you know.

        Bill Schmalfeldt could, in fact, be regaling us with Kauffman-esque performance art in a well-disguised satire of America’s broken justice system.

        *Pondering the possibility whilst hoping that I didn’t waste all of that money on tattooing*

        Nah, he’s a drunken nut.

  5. No this is not educating B.S. it has been pointed out to him before. Bill claims to be an author, he should know that it is a standard procedure for a lot of authors to register copyright’s using their agents, lawyer or publishers address–especially if they use a pseudonym.
    Hell I know one author with millions of books in print who registers/assigns his copyrights to his LLC

  6. Grady has sufficient contacts with Maryland to fall under its long-arm statue because KRENDLER used an address in Maryland for purposes of COPYRIGHT, a federal process that does not implicate the state of Maryland at all. Assuming for sake of argument that is sufficient contact legally, it also assumes Krendler is Grady, a fact for which there is no evidence. Is that part of the argument, or did I start in on the Stoli early today without noticing?

    • If Krendler = Grady and Krendler “lodges” with me in Maryland, then Grady lives in Maryland, and there is no diversity of citizenship.


    • I meant “purported fact” above. I certainly do not mean to imply that Willie’s suspicions are facts. In fact, maybe I should have said “fantasy alleged as fact.” I am going to get the Stoli out of the freezer now.

  7. Have your attorney whack him for attorney’s fees with a Rule 11(b)(2) motion for sanctions for filing a frivolous pleading not warranted by existing law or by a nonfrivolous argument for extending, modifying, or reversing existing law or for establishing new law. He signed the pleading and made an argument for jurisdiction that is wholly without support under existing law.

    • Oh, there you go injecting logic into Bill’s argument. That has the same effect as Cyclopentadienyl nickel nitrosyl.

  8. So Hoge “boasts” of hand delivering mail for Grady?

    I thought he simply stated “I hand delivered X to Y court today, have a read.”

    I must have missed the posts about how “through dauntless Herculean efforts I waded into the Augean Stables that are the Maryland court system and through sheer force of will got them to accept a paper envelope. I then partially cleaned the stables and mailed Bill a nice piece of Tupperware via a business confederate in Europe.”

    Same paragraph as Hoge’s 18:17 comment about how Grady=Krendler, but one was served in IL and the other resides at Casa de Hoge.

  9. Oooh, PP 6. The failure is in the first two words, “Plaintiff’s reading”
    Bill-lawgically (new term, needs work) this means Grady MUST file a response, he seems to have no right to decline to do so in Bill’s universe. The concept that Bill’s suit may have caused a 22 day hysterical laughing fit does not seem to have crossed his “mind.”

    PP 11: Bill lacks the following concepts (among others): (a) friendship, (b) having gas money, (c) enjoying a nice road trip. Both Walker and Hoge are relatively staid personalities, if their version of “WooHoo, ROAD TRIP!!!!” involves touring various MD courthouses and diners, rather than vomiting on coeds in the Virgin (not really, Brett, calm down) Islands, well, that’s their business. Or more to the point, that’s their recreation. And notice how he suggests, without making any substantive statement, that both the discredited lawyer and the senile old man are writing these legal briefs?

    So in Bill’s nefarious world, Aaron drives 80 miles and Hoge drives 40. They meet, deliver a letter together, and go home.

    In a sane universe, Aaron drives 40 miles and arrives at Hoge’s. (not plotting on a map, triangles could be involved and the trip is likely shorter.) The two take one or the other’s vehicle, and they share a vehicle for fourty miles with a pleasant conversation completely devoid of comments about the damage this trip is subjecting the passenger side’s suspension to. They deliver their message, have a pleasant meal at an eating establishment where conversation continues to not be about the lifetime load capacity of a Prius’s springs, drive back to Hoge’s place, and the Aaron manages the 40 minute treck back to his home, with neither person’s vehicle having developed either a list to starboard or a new bucket-shaped seat. New and strange smells are limited to the spice rack of the eatery involved.

    TL;DR: “Bill, much like a neutered dog, you just don’t get it.”

  10. Okay, I just woke up from a nap, so I might have still been asleep when I read this response of Mr. Bill’s… Was he drunk AND asleep when he pulled this stuff out of his favorite region? He didn’t even give the court the decent respect of rinsing it off before mailing it in.

    I have a prediction … Mr. Bill’s complaints and other responses should end up in law books as very strong examples of how NOT to do it.

    I’m interested in seeing the counter complaints and other suits that are going to result soon. I’d say that I pity Mr. Bill for it, but he’s earned every single line in each of the counter-complaints and other responses. Earned it and more.

    For those involved in his garbage, God bless you and give you strength to endure it while waiting for the (well earned) lightning strikes him.

  11. Welp Bill, this pretty much ends the discussion that you are incredibly incompetent. Now it’s all for laughs.

  12. The funny thing is I think when Bill sealed and licked the envelope to file this motion, Bill had one of those shit eating grins on his face thinking he filed something so persuasive the Judge would fall over in his chair shocked that a pro-se like Bill could be so intelligent.

    Seriously, Bill, you haven’t watched B.K. lose enough in court to know motions are first disposed of? At least you spelled your name correctly.

      • My money’s on him getting banhammered again. @grouchcast365 is still around, but the last activity was on Jul 7.

        Twitter may be a smoking SJW-friendly shitpile, but I doubt BS’s antics are going to make him any friends there.

  13. I am pretty sure if you put a crack team of the best comedy writers and top lawyers together to try to collaborate and write the dumbest, most inept and intentionally hilarious pleading they could possibly come up with, this dumber, more inept, and unintentionally hilarious pleading would top it.

    Where to start: 1) Grady doesn’t have to answer, because he filed a motion (which must be heard and ruled on, and which tolls the time in which he must file an answer until 2 weeks after the court renders a ruling on his motion) so what does Acme law do? Complain to the court about his failure to Answer the complaint, as if it were late discovery or something.

    2) Jurisdiction, as ALLEGED IN THE COMPLAINT, has been challenged. Under these circumstances, most people would probably resolve this issue by talking about how their complaint does establish and answer the question of whether the Court properly has jurisdiction. Not so for Acme law. Instead we allege new facts, not in the complaint, in order to prove jurisdiction AS ALLEGED IN THE COMPLAINT, has been established. Of course the new facts in briefs is a staple of Acme litigation, with a proven track record.

    3) Perhaps drenched in a mix of sweat and fear pee in a trailer that no doubt has seen better days, Acme’s finest pro se litigator has, after no doubt ingesting some tainted mayonnaise, imagined a scenario in which a judge might agree that a person who sends mail into a state to respond to litigation, by the very act of having sent mail into that state, to be delivered by a resident of the state, has established sufficient minimum contact with the state for due process purposes in order to allow that person to be hailed into that state for litigation. Then, after having dreamed up this clearly delusional fantasy, decided to not only set it to paper, but to then mail it to a Judge in the hopes this might be taken seriously.

    4)”Plaintiff’s reading of 12(b) shows nothing that removes or alters the Defendant’s requirement to file a responsive pleading within 21 days.” Which is true, because on Plaintiff’s copy of 12(b) only states,in relevant part, “A motion asserting any of these defenses,” ((1) lack of subject-matter jurisdiction; (2) lack of personal jurisdiction; (3) improper venue; (4) insufficient process; (5) insufficient service of process; (6) failure to state a claim upon which relief can be granted; and (7) failure to join a party under Rule 19) must be made before pleading, if a responsive pleading is allowed. “the section which reads:Every defense to a claim for relief in any pleading must be asserted in the responsive pleading if one is required. Of course if one were to read rule 12(a)(4), one would see “(4) Effect of a Motion. Unless the court sets a different time, serving a motion under this rule alters these periods as follows: (A) if the court denies the motion or postpones its disposition until trial, the responsive pleading must be served within 14 days after notice of the court’s action…” Woopsie poopsie. But hey, at least he was right about there being nothing in 12(b) that would explain the Effect of the motion to dismiss on when a responsive pleading would be due.

    5) I can only imagine how hard they must be laughing at the midnight society of law clerks at the greater Baltimore buspass office at Grady’s failure to answer after 38 days, in clear violation of a part of the rule that is held in abeyance pending the resolution of a motion which must be raised, if at all, before the filing of a responsive pleading. What an inconsiderate Jackass, Grady has been. Perhaps a patented Acme Law motion to compel is in order….

    6) Clearly, because an amended complaint relates back to the original filing date for purposes of tolling statutes of limitations, this means that an amended complaint can be filed at any time, without regard to any time limits imposed on doing so, because an amended complain “relates back” I mean, just clearly, it says so right here in the Acme Law book. As such, three years after the trial is over, he can just amend the complaint, because it “relates back” and he can get a do-over, even though the time for trying the case would have ended and the case would be settled…. it “relates back.” So if there is a time limit in which a complaint can be amended as a matter of right, that time limit doesn’t matter, because it relates back. It relates back, you see.

    7) Clearly Grady didn’t read the part of the law which said, this rule applies if you rely solely on this provision. Since Acme Law doesn’t really rely on the laws, as written, and since Acme Law doesn’t really read the laws or understand them, therefore, and as a consequence thereof, and for reasons not stated herein, as well as the reasons stated, this law does not apply because he didn’t rely on it because well…. reasons.

    8) I like how he told the court he has no idea who he is suing and that this is basically a fishing expedition… paid for at tax payers expense.

    9) last but not least, I think his request that Grady be forced to show cause why he should not be held in contempt, based on acme law’s failure to read and understand understand the rules… that was the cherry on top.

    Some people pay money to laugh this hard.

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