Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign


Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Cell phone rings three times.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

EDWIN: (Telephone Filter) Mr. Atsign, my name’s Don Edwin. I need to have some investigative work done.

JOHNNY: That’s what I do for a living, but I’m on vacation at the moment. I’m fishing in Alaska and won’t be back at my office until next Monday.

EDWIN: (Telephone Filter) I’m calling from Alaska.

JOHNNY: Really? Well, it’s a big state. We could still be hundreds of miles apart, but I might be able to stop by on my way to the airport in Anchorage this weekend.

EDWIN: (Telephone Filter) That might work out. I’m not too far north of there. Have you ever heard of a guy on the Internet called The Grouch?

JOHNNY: Yes, I have. Are you free on Saturday afternoon?

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of the North Star Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @DEdwin I came up here for salmon, but it looks like I’ll be dealing with a fail whale as well.

JOHNNY: From the camp where I had been fishing, I had to drive through the town where Don Edwin lived in order to get to the Anchorage airport. He suggested that we meet at a local restaurant for an early supper.

SOUND: Restaurant background.

JOHNNY: Thanks for suggesting this place. I wasn’t expecting a deli this good.

EDWIN: You’re welcome. Yeah, our little town is full of surprises. Sometimes the boondocks are more civilized than the big cities.

JOHNNY: OK. The Grouch is adding you to his LOLsuit against one of my other clients. What exactly do you want me to do for you?

EDWIN: As much as possible, but let me be a bit more specific about where to start.

The Grouch keeps filing for pauper status when he files these federal suits. The first one was withdrawn before the court had to rule on that issue. The second time, the court denied pauper status because he had too much income. This time, he snuck by, but it appears that he has grossly misstated his income.

JOHNNY: So you want to get his pauper status revoked?

EDWIN: Yes. For openers.

JOHNNY: But why bother. I’ve seen his complaint. The court will kick it out for lack of jurisdiction. If you’re going to file something, why not a motion to dismiss?

EDWIN: What makes you think that I want the case dismissed? I may want to answer the complaint and file a counterclaim.

JOHNNY: Oh?

EDWIN: Take a look at this.

JOHNNY: It’s one of The Grouch’s tweets from back in March. Who’s the young man in the picture?

EDWIN: My son.

JOHNNY: Oh.

SOUND: Restaurant background out.

ANNOUNCER: Here in Westminster, we’re having those pleasant summer evenings when it’s nice to sit on the porch and sip a cold drink while listening to crickets and watching the lightning bugs. I’ve been sipping mine from one of the brand new Murum Aries Attigit tea tumblers. It keeps my iced tea cool in the summer, and it will keep my tea hot this winter. It’s just one of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store.  Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re both ways you can support the Team.

JOHNNY: When I got back home to Maryland, I was able to forward the existing file on The Grouch’s finances. The three In Forma Pauperis petitions he filed were inconsistent with each other. He had also published his IRS Form 1040 for a recent year, and it reported more income that shown in any of the petitions.

JOHNNY DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) @DEdwin The petitions are BS unless The Grouch is over reporting his income to the IRS.

JOHNNY: With that first detail taken care of, I got to work on the list of questions Don Edwin wanted answered. They made for some interesting research. It turned out that I already had most of the raw data. Between Google, Bing, and a few calls and emails to colleagues I was able to fill in most of the blanks rather quickly. Others require some lab work.

SOUND: Phone rings twice (Caller’s POV). Line picked up (Caller’s POV).

NERD: (Telephone Filter) Yeah, whatcha want Atsign?

JOHNNY: Have you started on that metadata analysis yet?

NERD: (Telephone Filter) You said it was a rush job. I’m almost finished.

JOHNNY: Got any preliminary results?

NERD: (Telephone Filter) Yep. Quite a few matches.

JOHNNY: Any that really relate to the case?

NERD: (Telephone Filter) (Fading out) Almost all of ‘em. Someone has been very naughty and very careless …

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @DEdwin Bingo!

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? Some games are more serious and more complicated that Go Fish. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

29 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

    • I don’t know. This “Grouch” character doesn’t seem that realistic. He’s more like a bad Scooby Doo villian. Someone that careless and, frankly, dumb cannot be real, right? Even fiction has to be believable. But on the other hand, if someone like the “Grouch” did exist IRL, hoo boy would such failure prove funny to any audience.

  1. No, ’cause, um, it’s “fiction.” As in, not real. But, then, I don’t think everything is about me.

  2. Sounds like this particular ares attigited the murum four months ago.

    Which suggests the two motions so far may just be the beginning…

    Which suggests I need about five gallons of popcorn kernals and a large vat of butter.

  3. I just double checked and this is Hogewash!, right? This post is fiction? And the author is WJJ Hoge, not Aaron Walker or David Edgren? I thought so.

  4. I find Shaky using queer, instead of all the other words he could’ve used very funny. No not for that reason, although, now that I think about it, that relationship with his deadbeat stepson is kinda queer. Ok, nevermind, I was going to say he was trying to sound smart but now I think he may just have queer on the brain.

      • Sorry, Mr Hodge, if this heavily edited response is still out of line, F Bill, F his stepson. And, for that matter, anyone else whose complacent with Bill’s actions. If he’s such a good guy, maybe the next time they’re passing the bong around, he will tell Bill it’s not cool to try to frame someone for a horrible crime. Also, I do find a grown man, choosing to continue living with Bill, after witnessing how his mother was treated by him during her last days very peculiar and odd.

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