Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

CPL DAVIS: (Telephone Filter) Mr Atsign, this is Corporal Davis.

JOHNNY: How’s it goin’? Caught any poachers this week?

CPL DAVIS: (Telephone Filter) No, the woods are pretty quitet now that the spring seasons are over. Of course, it’s still open season on varmints. As a matter of fact, that’s what I’m calling you about.

JOHNNY: Hey, my license is up to date, and I haven’t gone after woodchucks at all this year.

CPL DAVIS: (Telephone Filter) (Chuckles) I’m talking about a two-legged varmint. Check your email, then give me a call back.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of The What’s In A Name Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @CPLDavis Are the woodchucks chucking wood?

JOHNNY: So I checked my email and found Davis had forwarded an email that had been forwarded to him by another employee of his agency. It was a poison pen letter of the sort that most people would just file in the trash, but I was immediately interested in it.

I got back on the phone with Davis.

CPL DAVIS: (Telephone Filter) I thought you might be interested.

JOHNNY: I am, but why are you following up on this?

CPL DAVIS: (Telephone Filter) Normally, something like this would be turned over to the State Police, but since it came to several of our agency emails, we’ve decided to keep the case in house.

JOHNNY: Makes sense. But what’s your angle?

CPL DAVIS: (Telephone Filter) Harassment. Interference with our employees and volunteers while they’re at work. So what can you tell me about this Mort in Maryland guy?

JOHNNY: Not much, just yet, but his name has popped up in several other places. Is it OK with you if I share this email with some other agencies?

CPL DAVIS: (Telephone Filter) I suppose so. Local?

JOHNNY: Sorta. Let’s say, “In the area but with wider jurisdiction.”

CPL DAVIS: (Telephone Filter) Keep me posted.

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JOHNNY: I sent the Mort in Maryland email to a couple of other investigators who might have leads. It didn’t take long to get a response.

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) Hello, Johnny. I saw that email you forwarded.

JOHNNY: Uh, huh.

INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) This Mort fellow has sent similar emails to us.

JOHNNY: Really?

INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) Yeah, but he’s gone farther up our food chain to the top of the agency. That was a bad move. Anyway, we believe that we have IDed the real individual sending this crap.

JOHNNY: I see.

INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) (Fading out) I going to send you a copies of what we’ve received. Let me know what you can confirm so we can dot the eyes and cross the tees on this one.

JOHNNY: So I went through that new evidence, and there it was. OPSEC has never been the suspect’s strong suits, and, sure enough, he’d blown it with one of his emails. One of them had an originating IP the same as his home Internet account.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @CPLDavis Are fail whales covered by my fishing license?

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? The hunters, the hunted, and changing places. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

38 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign


  1. “Anyway, we believe that we have IDed the real individual sending this crap.” <– That line just filled someone's shorts…


      • There needs to be some improvement in the vocabulary then. “Slag” isn’t the most attractive word when trying to interest the ladies. Though a “lady” probably isn’t what he really wants.


      • Wanted: New Twat for undiscovered multi-media/legal/medical genius. Must have fresh Depends supply and poor sense of smell. Willingness to open mysterious packages a plus. Call Mort in MD.


      • As it is not my place, I can only give a written Thinking Man’s Zombie Seal of Approval. A picture may not abuse our Gracious Host’s sense of decorum, but I make it a point not to treat another’s space as if it were my own.

        Well played, sir! Well played!


      • GMHowell, the incident in Japan does indicate that Bill Schmalfeldt is interested in the “female” in at least one sense.


  2. I wonder if the man in personating more in those emails might have recently come into a small sum of money that would render them in eligible for a public defender? Can you go pro se in your own criminal trial? If so is it wise?


    • Now that’s funny. Wise. I think here are some pretty clear indications that credibility, wisdom and self-control are way down on his list.
      In theory, I’m sure you can try to defend yourself in a criminal case, but it has been very difficult to prosecute since the Maryland Stupid Statutes are so outdated.


    • I have seen some criminal defendants pro se their way through a criminal trial with court-ordered real attorneys as background advisors. Most of them are still doing serious time in state penitentionaries as losing criminal defendants invariably get stiffer (Bill’s gonna love that word) sentences from irate judges. Bill would ignore any legal advice that he got just on warped ego alone. Bill could not handle a Public Defender….he doesn’t have the ability to control his ego or listen to someone else. Worse yet, he is an inveterate LIAR and would mislead his attorney.

      **GOOGLE BILL SCHMALFELDT**


  3. “So I went through that new evidence, and there it was. OPSEC has never been the suspect’s strong suits, and, sure enough, he’d blown it with one of his emails. One of them had an originating IP the same as his home Internet account.”

    Oopsie Poopsie.

    What a dumbass.


    • Trigger Warning!!!!!!!

      Don’t Breathe for 30 seconds………..

      Emanating from a trailer somewhere in Elkridge, MD near a well known truck stop is the sound and smell of overflowing Depends.


  4. So, forgery (which Mort claims he doesn’t do), and sockpuppets (which Mort claims he doesn’t do.) Why, it’s almost as if he’s lying! But that can’t be. We know that Mort would NEVER lie.


  5. Traps snap shut TWICE in one post. I love it!

    *nomnomnom*
    *sound of more popcorn popping in the background*

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