Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign


Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Good afternoon, Johnny. I’ve got some more work for you.

JOHNNY: Good. What’s up?

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Apparently, The Grouch is running around filing false charges again.

JOHNNY: So?

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) You remember that letter that he claims is a forgery?

JOHNNY: Sure.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) We need to verify its authenticity. How can I get it to you?

JOHNNY: I’ll drive down and pick it up first thing tomorrow morning.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of The Unconnected Dots Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @ProBono Eyes aren’t the only things that are dotted.

JOHNNY: The next morning was taken up by a round trip to the lawyer’s office in Montgomery County. With the construction on 27 between Damascus and Germantown, that took an hour-and-a-half each way. The time was worth it. By picking up the evidence myself, I was able to maintain a solid chain of custody. When I got back to my office, I did all the usual things one does during the initial evaluation of a document.

For example, was the signature original made with a pen that deformed the paper or was it copied on with a printer? The paper bore slight but erratic impressions as if made by someone with a shaky hand.

Were the same fonts used for the envelope and the letter? The text of the letter and the address block on the envelope used the same fonts.

It appeared that it was possible that the letter was genuine, but further proof would require some testing that I couldn’t perform.

JOHNNY DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Nerd I’ve got another blue light special for you.

ANNOUNCER: Are you a proud member of Team Lickspittle and a fan of Johnny Atsign? You can show you support by wearing Team Lickspittle gear. The Grand Hog, Johnny Atsign, Team Lickspittle, and Res Judicata merchandise is available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

JOHNNY: I took the letter and envelope over to a guy who does detailed computer forensics for me. He said he’d get back to me after he’d done some tests.

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

NERD: (Telephone Filter) You hit the jackpot, Atsign.

JOHNNY: Really? Tell me about my prize.

NERD: (Telephone Filter) I did the document comparisons you ask for. When you put the letter under a blue light, the printer steganography dots are visible. The letter and the envelope were probably printed on the same printer.

JOHNNY: Probably?

NERD: (Telephone Filter) The envelope doesn’t contain all of the printer serial number data, but what it does matches the letter, and it has a timestamp not far off of the letter’s.

JOHNNY: So how is that a jackpot?

NERD: (Telephone Filter) It isn’t—by itself, but you remember that we’ve got other letters and documents that The Grouch has mailed to people.

JOHNNY: Uh, huh.

NERD: (Telephone Filter) I compared the steganography dots with a letter he sent related to that copyright lawsuit last year. The printer serial numbers match.

JOHNNY: And you’re going to tell me that it was one of the letters he admits to writing.

NERD: (Telephone Filter) (Fading out) Yep. It has to do with one of his settlement offers. There’s also …

JOHNNY TWEETS: @TheGrouch Your dots are now connected.

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? Can a Tee be double crossed? Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

68 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. Printers micro print the serial number of the printer, so the secret service can track down printers used for counterfeiting/ forgery.

  2. The Grouch should go to jail for obstruction of justice, perjury, and trying to frame an innocent man.

    • For months now The Grouch has been wanting this “forged letter” issue to gain some traction.

      He really should watch what he wishes for… just sayin’.

  3. And he filed a criminal complaint claiming the letter was forged? A knowingly false criminal complaint? Not good. Not to mention that, if he’s falsely accused people of crimes, that’s libel/slander. You wouldn’t be able to collect much money on a lawsuit against him, but the judge might view Billy’s mendacity as grounds for a “get off the internets” order, no?

  4. It’s obvious what happened. Mr Hoge has built a matter transporter out of old ham radios and beamed Shakes printer to his house to produce the documents then beamed it back, and is know plotting to beam the worlds supply of 30 year old single malt scotch to his backyard. LOL

    • No, I sneaked into the tincasa, sneaked back out, vomited, sneaked back in again, wrote the letter, printed it and an envelope, shook Shakey enough to just wake him, told him the letter was a requisition for diaper cream and butt lube, got him to sign it, sneaked back out, and mailed them to Paul Patrick Grady-Krendler.

    • So cousin Roy and Pablo are sneaking into Tincasa at night?

      Trying to decide which theme music sounds better..

      Mission Impossible
      Police Squad.

  5. There will be a brief pause in the popcorn entertainment while Bill runs to the store for new underwear. While he’s there he should check out the soap-on-a-rope.

  6. He really does seem to think that just because he swore out a complaint with the HoCo Court Commissioner, that means that the courts will take his claims as truth without bothering to get any independent verification.

    • Any charges he’s filed related to this “forgery” will be nolle prossed as soon as they stop laughing and catch their breath in the HoCo State’s Attorney’s office.

    • Exactly. “Oh, yeah, it’s a forgery because the guy with five restraining orders and an unhealthy obsession with a respected engineer says so. No need to investigate, boys, no need for a trial, it’s off to the slammer!”

  7. I should think this development bodes ill for The Cabin Boy.

    But, since Maryland appears to be a totally consequence-free state for his ilk, we shall have to wait and see whether the justice system there actually has the backbone to administer justice.

  8. I’m sure we’ll get some convoluted tale of how John, Paul (since he’s so sure that PG=PK), George, and Ringo conspired to steal BS’s printer, print the letter and envelope (fixing the printer temporarily so it wouldn’t eat the envelope and then cleverly unrepairing it), and then returning the printer, all without leaving any trace that it happened.

  9. “Once nice thing about being on this side of my skull is that I know what I did and what I didn’t do. It’s even better when I can prove it.”

    Ummm…on which side of its skull did the Blob say it was? I know it’s rather cavernous in there, but those of you who live rent free may want to avoid that particular spot. 😀

  10. “Unfortunately for Mr. Hoge, we have more than just my word that I had nothing to do with the letter. Things like EVIDENCE.”

    Ummm…Evidence? I don’t think that word means what it thinks it means. Unfortunately for it, all we have is its word lies and the “EVIDENCE.”

  11. “So, he needed a patsy, a stooge to do the dirty work for him.”

    “Means + Motive + Opportunity = Probable Cause.”

    Annnnnnd…The hypothesis with the fewest assumptions = Occam’s Razor

    Occam’s Razor + EVIDENCE = The Blob did it.

  12. Oooo. Trying to frame someone to get them arrested. No wonder Brett Kimberlin is his “excellent friend.”

    Too bad Bill is just as good as Brett was at pulling it off.

  13. You’re screwed, Shakes.
    We all knew you wrote, signed and mailed that letter.
    We all knew it from day one.
    Add criminal liar to the list of things you suck at, Schmalfeldt.
    An ever growing list.

    • Well, to be fair, while I expected Bill wrote it, I gave an outside chance that The Bomber did it to stir the pot. Because he’s that excellent a friend. And after a certain point, loose cannons cannot be aimed, just unleashed.

      I guess this required more foresight, intelligence, and discipline than TK can muster, singly or as a group.

      Occam’s Razor it is, then.

    • On a side note, it’s really hard to be a liar. Most normal people figure that out by their early teen years. Anyone who continues to lie after that either doesn’t care what people think of them, or, as a futher step downward in existence, are simply evil by nature. When it comes to Bill Schmalfeldt, a known liar, take your pick. There’s no telling how low he can go.

      • While we should embrace the power of “AND”, there is a third factor; sociopathy is distinct from evil and/or stupid.

        Evil, stupid and sociopathic is a helluva way to go through life.

  14. Poor Limpdick. This is a pathetic attempt to try a case online. Squawk all you want, limpy, but Bill has your pockmarked ass. The court aint reading your stupid blog, so this don’t prove shit. The letter is forged, Maryland knows it. You can write your nonsense and get your dick to wiggle slightly, but at the end of the day Bill’s got you and Patrick and Howell. So long fuckfaces!!!!

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    • Aww. Ain’t you just a precious little thing. Billy’s up to his fat neck in hot water, the last vestiges of Brett’s frivolous lawfare were just delivered a fatal blow, and like a good little lemming, you’re trying to rally the troops.

      All I can say is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

    • What happens when the police decide to research the letter and the information provided by Hoge shows complicity of Bill and by extension, Team Kimbergarten?

      Do they have internet privileges in jail?

      • The moment they police come after him and confiscate his electronic equipment. Don’t forget the flash drives and other external storage devices.

      • Hmm… at what point does Kimberlin think that Schmalfeldt is no longer an asset?
        When this happens Charles:

    • Poor Limpdick. This is a pathetic attempt to try a case online. Squawk all you want, limpy, but Bill has your pockmarked ass.

      You can’t be talking both to Bill and about Bill simultaneously, Derpy. Perhaps you should be doing something useful, like trying to help your excellent friend with his erectile dysfunction. Or perhaps his mental dysfunction.

  15. Pingback: Where is this Bill Schmalfeldt Thing Going? | Dave Alexander (formerly ukuleledave)

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