SOUND: Skype rings once.
JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.
JENSEN: (Telephone Filter) Good morning, Mr. Atsign. My name is Ernest Jensen. I think you might be able to help me.
JOHNNY: Hello, Mr. Jensen. What can I do for you?
JENSEN: (Telephone Filter) I’ve heard that you’ve done some investigating related to a guy on the Internet called The Grouch.
JOHNNY: He’s crossed my path.
JENSEN: (Telephone Filter) He’s suing me for defamation.
JOHNNY: He sues a lot of people, and, yes, I may be able to help you.
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ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …
JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
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JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my extended investigation of The Non-Exhibitionist Matter.
JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @EJensen I’m reviewing your reviews.
JOHNNY: The Grouch had included Ernest Jensen as a defendant in one of his LOLsuits. Apparently, The Grouch was upset because of some reviews Jensen had given The Grouch’s books on Amazon. I read the reviews, and they seemed to accurately describe The Grouch’s stuff.
The suit had been filed in his local Circuit Court. I went down to that courthouse and got copies of the pertinent items on the docket, the complaint and an opposition to a motion to dismiss.
SOUND: Quiet office background.
CLERK: Let’s see. 86 pages for the complaint and 35 pages for the motion. That’s 121 pages at 50 cents a page.
JOHNNY: 60 dollars and fifty cents. Do you take plastic?
CLERK: Yep. But there’s an extra fee.
JOHNNY: OK, here’s three 20s, and … (pause) a couple of quarters.
CLERK: Right. Here are your copies.
SOUND: Office background out.
JOHNNY: When I got back to my office, I dug into the paperwork. The Grouch claims to have experience as an editor, but his writing has become increasingly jumbled. It was a tough slog.
There were a few quotes The Grouch attributed to Jensen, but none of them were identified precisely enough to allow me to compare what was alleged with the original source material. I’m not a lawyer, but I couldn’t find enough in the complaint to make a case against Jensen, so I moved on the the exhibits filed with the complaint.
There was nothing there.
ANNOUNCER: There may be nothing where Johnny was looking, but you can find plenty of stuff to waste your hard earned cash on. Johnny Atsign, Res Judicata, and other Team Lickspittle related trinkets are among the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.
JOHNNY: OK. There was no actual evidence of defamation in the complaint for The Grouch’s LOLsuit, but he’s tried to get evidence in to support his claims as exhibits to motions in previous suits. I dug into his response to the motion to dismiss.
As Alice once said … curiouser and curiouser.
The case is filed in a Maryland Circuit Court, but The Grouch was arguing procedure based on the federal rules. The response was to a motion filed by another defendant, so it didn’t directly deal with Jensen. I skipped back to the attached exhibits.
One dealt with The Grouch’s medical history. The others were about books he had published. There was nothing about Jensen among the exhibits.
It was going to be a short report to Jensen and his lawyer—there was no “there” there.
JOHNNY TWEETS: @EJensen No, I can’t find any exhibits about you either.
ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.
JOHNNY: Next time? A visit to the Department of Redundancy Department. Join us, won’t you?
Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!
MUSIC: Swell theme and under
ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.
MUSIC: Theme up to music out.
ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.
Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.