Blognet


This was the first episode of BlognetBlognetTitleCard

MUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. You get a call that a Twitter troll is harassing a family over the loss of a child. Your job … find him.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

FRIDAY: It was Sunday, February 10th. It was cool and clear in Westminster. We were working the night watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The boss is Twitter Town Sheriff, W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. I was on my way back to the office at 8:12 pm.

SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room. Chair pulled out as Friday sits down.

FRIDAY: Anything new, Liz?

SMITH: Nothing, Joe, it’s been quiet mostly.

SOUND: Phone rings.

SMITH: Well, it was quiet.

SOUND: Receiver picked up

FRIDAY: Internet detail, Friday speaking. … Uh, huh …. Uh, huh … Yes, sir. Could you spell that for me? … Oh, yes, sir. I remember now. Yes, your file is still active. … Oh, I see. … Yes, we can meet you. What time does your flight arrive? … 5:50 tomorrow afternoon at BWI. Yes, we’ll be there. … No, sir. It’s no problem for us. … Good night.

SOUND: Receiver hung up.

SMITH: Who was that?

FRIDAY: Do you remember that case from Texas about the harassment from up here in Maryland?

SMITH: That couple who lost the baby in childbirth?

FRIDAY: Yeah. It seems that the guy doesn’t know when to quit. He’s been dishing out more. The story is that he’s been going after the whole family and accusing, uh, Mr. Stanley of pimping his wife and teenage daughter.

SMITH: Oh, right! This our “investigative journalist.”

FRIDAY: Uh, huh. Who we will have to investigate a bit more.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: Liz and I came on duty a couple of hours early on Monday so that we could drive down to the airport to meet Mr. Stanley. He had emailed a photo of himself so that we could recognize him. We parked the car in the short-term garage at BWI and went in to the baggage claim area.

SOUND: Airport background.

SMITH: I checked the monitor. His flight is at the gate, and this is correct baggage claim area.

FRIDAY: Uh, huh. Well, depending the the route he takes, he could down the hall from either direction,

SMITH: Yeah. I’ll watch to the right.

FRIDAY: Never mind. I think I see him. Yes. That’s him. (Waits a few seconds.) Mr. Stanley!

STANLEY: Yes.

FRIDAY: I’m Sergeant Friday. This my partner Liz Smith.

STANLEY: Please to meet you both. Thanks for meeting me.

SMITH: No problem, Mr. Stanley. Do you have any bags?

STANLEY: No, just my carry on.

FRIDAY: Good. Let’s head for the car and find someplace quiet where we can talk.

SOUND: Airport background out.

FRIDAY: We took Mr. Stanley to a nearby restaurant were we were able to interview him.

SOUND: Restaurant background.

STANLEY: (Fading in.) … so that’s the story.

SMITH: I can understand your distress, Mr. Stanley. It must be particularly hard on your wife and daughter.

STANLEY: Yes. Both are deeply troubled.

FRIDAY: Well, you did let this go on. You could have followed up on the rape threat last year.

STANLEY: Perhaps, but with all this other stuff, we’ve had it with this Parvocampus idiot.

FRIDAY: You’ve got options. You could seek a peace order or you could file a charge of harassment. Or you could do both.

STANLEY: I’d have to come back next week for a hearing if I file for a peace order, wouldn’t I?

SMITH: Yes. If you filed this evening, there’d be an ex parte hearing tomorrow and another a week later for a final order.

STANLEY: I don’t think he’d obey the order anyway. I think I’ll just file the harassment charge.

FRIDAY: OK. We can take you over to the District Court Commissioner.

MUSIC: Up and under.

NARRATOR: On February 11th, an Application for Statement Charges of harassment against Willy Parvocampus was filed with a Howard County District Court Commissioner. In a moment the results of that filing.

MUSIC: Stinger.

ANNOUNCER: When’s the last time you stopped by The Hogewash Store? If it’s been a while, you may be surprised by some of the newer items. There’s all sorts of useful trinkets with the Team Likespittle, Res Judicata, Johnny Atsign, and The Grand Hog logos. All those goodies are available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re both ways you can support the Team.

NARRATOR: On February 11th, a District Court Commissioner found probable cause to charge Willy Parvocampus with harassment of the Stanley family in violation of Maryland Criminal Law Section 3-803. First offense harassment is punishable by imprisonment up to 90 days or a fine of up to $500 or both. However, the Howard County State’s Attorney’s Office declined to prosecute the charge. Willy Parvocampus is still at large.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

33 thoughts on “Blognet

  1. Twitter Attorney Smellfart parody question of the week for today:
    “What is my greatest feat of harassment or stalking?”

    a) Crank phone calls to courthouse night staff.
    b) Following my dog on his rounds of poop-sniffing.
    c) Doxing myself. Seriously. Stop laughing.
    d) Brett was very upset that I made such a fool of myself. “But they made me do it!”, I told him. He wasn’t having it. He said my stupidity makes him look bad by association. And he really hates looking bad. Really, really hates looking bad. I have to get that smoke alarm fixed.

  2. The Deranged Cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt claimed on his most recent podcast that our Gentle Host is to blame for everything because he once referred to BS as a “clown” and this started a “flame war.”

    A more thin-skinned, hyper-sensitive, overly-emotional, cowardly, girlie “man” does not exist.

    The rest of his major-waste-of-time podcast pretty much just consisted of childish insults, Hoggy, mentioning he has Parkinson’s Disease, horrible, pre-recorded, ridiculous nonsense he believes passes for humor, Hoggy, mentioning he has Parkinson’s Disease, more childish insults, Hoggy, mentioning he has Parkinson’s Disease, injecting his second favorite subject “Poop” (his first is Hoge, of course) whenever he could work it in, Hoggy, mentioning he has Parkinson’s Disease, using the most stupid voices ever because… professional, Hoggy, mentioning he has Parkinson’s Disease, more-and-more childish insults, Hoggy, mentioning he has Parkinson’s Disease, of course the butt stuff made appearances, Hoggy, mentioning he has Parkinson’s Disease, and of course… mentioning he has Parkinson’s Disease.

    • Did Bill ever get to the missing information between John referring to him as “some clown” and Bill going full meltdown on him? Bill has claimed in the past that he “responded” to the the clown comment and things escalated from there, but, oddly enough, he never tells us what he said.

      I’m sure any response Bill has was measured and calm.

      • No. I do not believe he mentioned his measured and calm response to being referred to as a “clown,” Perry. If he did? It was apparently drowned out because… Parkinson’s Disease.

        BTW — I’ve been meaning to ask you… did you know that Bill Schmalfeldt has Parkinson’s Disease? Yep. Stage Eleventy according to the whispers and rumors going around.

      • I would gladly hold him down (rhetorically, of course) while REAL sufferers of advanced Parkinson’s Disease who can’t speak above a whisper, hold and use a pen or pencil or type on a keyboard, all spit on him (rhetorically, of course).

        Most people who have had PD as long as he has cannot communicate easily with anybody, let alone all the myriad ways Bill manages to stink up the internet.

        Every day he is able to speak clearly and type faster than most secretaries, he should thank God he drew the short straw that allowed him to have his surgery, instead of being in the control group. Something he almost NEVER mentions.

      • Ummm. Now that you mention it, A Reader… I believe he did bring his Parkinson’s Disease up once or twice in passing.

        I’m sure the fact Bill Schmalfeldt even has Parkinson’s Disease is quite a shock. I’m sorry I did not ask if you were sitting down first before I shared the news.

      • I’m sure the National Parkinson Foundation and the Michael J. Fox Foundation would appreciate his help in obtaining donations. /sarc off

  3. “It won’t be a peace order that stops me.”

    — William Smellfart, Twitter Attorney at Law, collector of multiple court orders from multiple states for harassment and stalking.

  4. Now that Bill has admitted in court that he has diminished mental capacities, does that have any effect on him being able to file new civil or criminal papers?

  5. Yes, memories. Memories of Hoggy spending time with a toothless, grifter, pimp and pornographer who pimped his own wife out numerous times. Oh, the memories. Were you hoping Starnny would let Hoggy Jr cop a feel on Lauren?

    • Prisons are known for having poor dental clinics. And you forgot to mention the sleepovers.

      But when did John ever hang out with Kimberlin?

    • It’s entertaining of Mr. Hoge to let a few of the cockroaches’ comment through the filter. It reminds people reading Hoge’s blog of the level of intelligence of the members of Team Kimberlin.

  6. Interesting how this is the first post since the one announcing that Bill got off which references Bill. But virtually every tweet, podcast, blogpost, whatever that Bill has produced since he got home from the court house has mentioned John. I guess he didn’t agree with the Judge’s strong recommendation that he forget Hoge exists.

    Either that or he would seem to have his own definition of “forget”.

    • Or if not John, one of the “Lickspittles”.

      Hate to say it, but I’m beginning to agree that the only thing that will stop Bill’s obsessive stalking and harassing behaviours towards John, Krendler, Howard, Jerry, Chris, Kyle, Grace, etc., is death, since he doesn’t seem to want to let go of himself, and the court system, at least the one in Maryland, doesn’t seem to give a damn how obnoxious, harassing, threatening someone is, as long as it isn’t a threat of immediate harm. Though I’m beginning to wonder if they’d even care about that.

  7. And his latest twitter, showing how perfectly he’s going to forget John exists:

    End Times Comedy @EndTimesTribune
    · 28m 28 minutes ago
    Let me ease the lickspittle mind. I am going to watch Hoge’s blog like a hawk, and Grady’s blog just as closely. You are all a bunch of…

    …loose-lipped yackamuffins and I’ve gotten more useful information from you than I have from my considerable network of spies. Only now,

    …thanks to help from trained psyops fols, I have a better nose for false flags and honey pots. So, stop watching yiu? Not until Im sure

    you’re going to go on with your lives and stop looking for ways to make up fraudulent nonsense to fuck me with, Dig? All right them.

    Somehow I don’t think this is quite what the judge had in mind…….

  8. If anybody sees Grace, can they ask her to check out this parkinsons rumor that’s just started to float around?

    • Heh. I can neither confirm nor deny the degree to which the Deranged Cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt suffers from Parkinson’s Disease. I can solely report the umpteen million times the kook mentions it, and uses it in an attempt to garner sympathy and/or justify and excuse his abusive and lawless behavior.

      I can confirm, however, that he types like a madman so his motor skills appear to be just fine. And, he screams and hollers something awful into a microphone so he quite obviously has no issues with his voice. He whines sometimes about fall-down-go-boom episodes, but again I cannot confirm nor deny that those incidents are related to PD. It could be he’s just a horribly out-of-shape, morbidly-obese klutz.

      Oh. And, he’s currently making quite a concerted effort to push the narrative that his impulsive behavior and emotional outbursts are PD related. If I were to lay my money down, I’d bet he’s pretty much always been an impetuous, melodramatic, little bitch. He also claims that he’s in Stage IV of the disease. But, many who are familiar with him and his antics question the legitimacy of this claim. More than a few of us are quite familiar with the symptoms Stage IV PD sufferers experience. I’ll just leave it at BS appears to have his very own breed of Stage IV Parkinson’s Disease. But, there is no doubt that Parkinson’s Disease 100% defines Bill Schmalfeldt according to Bill Schmalfeldt.

      Gotta wonder what the Deranged Cyberstalker blamed his sins and failures on prior to his PD diagnosis. You just know there was someone or something because nothing is ever, ever Bill Schmalfeldt’s responsibility nor his fault.

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