Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Mr. Atsign, my name is Candler. I need some help.

JOHNNY: What kind of help, Mr. Candler?

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) My fellow zombies and I have been collecting information about this guy who’s been harassing people online. It’s all from open public sources, mostly his own tweets and comments and blogs.

JOHNNY: Uh, huh.

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Now that we’ve got all this data, we need to authenticate it.

JOHNNY: And I take it that you want help with that.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my extended investigation of The Undead Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Zombie Is it safe being the brains behind your plan?

JOHNNY: A few months back, I had assisted a guy by the name of Grayson who was being harassed by The Grouch. The Grouch had tried to get a peace order against him, claiming that Grayson and Zombie were the same person and that The Grouch was being harassed by Zombie. That whole matter began to unravel when The Grouch was a no-show at the peace order hearing. Grayson was subsequently able to get a no-contact stalking order against The Grouch.

Listeners who’ve been tuning in over the past year probably know that The Grouch has not been very good about obeying court orders. In Grayson’s case, he’s been insisting off and on that Grayson is Zombie and continuing to contact the Zombie. Even if the two are not the same, The Grouch says they are, so at least he’s trying to disobey the no-contact order. And he probably thinks he’s getting away with something.

Which brings us back to that phone call …

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) (Fading in) … so we were hoping you would have the connections to authenticate as much of it as possible.

JOHNNY: Well, why not just show the stuff to him and ask him if it’s his?

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) You mean in a deposition or in court? No. There’s no legal action pending. At least, not yet.

JOHNNY: Oh, there are other ways to do that.

ZOMBIE: (Telephone Filter) Such as?

JOHNNY: Ever hear of a honeypot?

ANNOUNCER: Mmmm, honey. You know, I like honey in my tea, and I like to drink my tea from my Team Lickspittle Tea Tumbler. Team Lickspittle Tea Tumblers are exclusively available along with lots of other goodies at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re both ways you can support the Team.

JOHNNY: The Grouch and his buddies are not nearly such great hackers as they imagine, and they don’t have really first-rate google-fu, but eventually enough breadcrumbs were scattered around the Internet for one of them to take notice.

ZOMBIE DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) @JohnnyAtsign Over 300 hits on the new site today.

JOHNNY DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Zombie Just chill and wait for the FUN. Don’t pull it down till he publishes something.

JOHNNY: And it wasn’t long before The Grouch was bleeding all over his Internet radio microphone and telling both his listeners of his great discovery of the conspiracy against him, a conspiracy to do such evil things as gather publicly available information about him.

Listeners who’ve been tuning in over the past year probably know that The Grouch has little if any respect for the copyrights of other, and it wasn’t long before he began republishing what he had found. And, of course, he decried the fact that all that information was really about him, and he claimed it invaded his privacy. In other words, he authenticated it.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch Gotcha, sucker.

MUSIC: Theme up and under

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? Life is full of surprises. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

51 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. Every day I have to find new ways of saying “Yes, William really is that dumb. You’re not hallucinating it.”

  2. I got sort of an inkling of what was going on over at TMZ, but it was all very much an inside joke. Thanks for elucidating.

    It is absolutely delicious that someone would claim that collecting what they themselves said in various public fora is an invasion of privacy. If that someone also makes noises about being a professional journalist, it makes it even more absurd. And if that someone is in addition suing people for defamation and damage to reputation, the material being gathered is relevant to both.

  3. The other day I stated my “legal” views on an issue, and mentioned that Hoge was playing 3D chess and I was playing checkers.

    I retract that. Hoge is playing 4D chess (probably with help from Kyle) and I am eating paste in the corner. Luckily, Brett just pooped himself, and is using a plunger to try to flush Bill down the oubliette. (Hint: You’re either gonna need a bigger oubliette, or a bigger plunger.)

  4. Let me see if I have this right. Bill Schmalfeldt doxed HIMSELF because he thought he was publishing super-secret hidden information that in reality is publicly available information readily found using an internet search engine?

    • You left out the footlongs, mayo, and ELEVENTY!1!!1!!!

      But, yeah. Pretty much pooped in his own had, and tugged it down over his ears.

      And with that charming image in mind… I’m off to bed! Nighty-night, Lickspittles!

      • It does seem difficult to make an invasion of privacy case when you centralize all the information and publish it yourself, doesn’t it?

        Some kids just never learn ….

      • I’m tempted to say:

        “Hey,Bill. Stop hitting yourself… stop hitting yourself… stop hitting yourself…”

        But that would just be mean.

      • Kimberlin told Bill, before he republished all the “captured data”, to be careful. He said to Bill, “it might be a trap”. Thankfully Bill is much much smarter than everyone on Team Kimberlin……Oh wait. We all know Bill would never fall for any type of honey trap set by Team Good Guys because of his superior intellect……Oh hold on again. This just might prove than Bill Schmalfeldt is the dumbest man alive.

  5. *hmms and flips through thematic music*

    What would be appropriate? Carmina Burana, or the main theme from ‘Killer Instinct’?

  6. “Danny Witwer: I worked homicide before federal. This is what we call an orgy of evidence. You know how many orgies I had as a homicide cop?
    Officer Fletcher: How many?
    Danny Witwer: None.”

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