Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Cell phone rings four times.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

DNR COP: (Telephone Filter) Mr. Atsign, this is Corporal Anderson with the DNR Police.

JOHNNY: Yes. My fishing license is up to date.

DNR COP: (Telephone Filter) I’m sure it is. This is about an investigation we believe you may be able to assist us with.

JOHNNY: I’d be happy to help you, but can I call you back? I’m about to drop a rental car at the airport.

DNR COP: (Telephone Filter) Where are you?

JOHNNY: Portland, Oregon. What’s a good number to call you back in about an hour?

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my extended investigation of The No Pings Only Matter.

SNARK_IN_MD TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch There’s no way that guy will keep his security clearance.

SOUND: Airport background.

JOHNNY: As I’ve told you before, The Grouch isn’t able to abide by a request to leave someone else alone. As a result he wound up in front of a Circuit Court judge at a show cause hearing for contempt. That was a result of his sending pingbacks and other messages in violation of a peace order. The judge let him off with a warning, but told him that there had better not be any further violations.

Meanwhile, TheGrouch violated the peace order again by sending an email, and the Sheriff’s Office filed a criminal charge.

The Grouch then switched from directly contacting his victim to harassment via contacting his place of employment—a tactic he learned from his excellent friend The Bomber.

The Bomber had used that tactic recently on one of his perceived enemies. The corporate counsel for his employer and the security office of the employer’s customer had asked me to assist with their investigation because of my experience. It turned out that the two investigations provided a great number of leads for each other.

I was headed back home via a roundabout route and decided to return Corporal Anderson’s call while I was waiting at the gate for my flight.

SOUND: Phone ringing, caller’s POV. Line picked up.

DNR COP: (Telephone Filter) Anderson.

JOHNNY: Corporal Anderson, it’s Johnny Atsign. What can I do for you?

DNR COP: (Telephone Filter) We’ve got an investigation you might be able to help with. Do you know someone named Kemmelring?

JOHNNY: Not personally, but the name’s come up before. That name’s associated with some harassing emails sent to a client’s workplace.

DNR COP: (Telephone Filter) Ever seen emails from someone called SNARK_IN_MD?

JOHNNY: That’s the same guy. He uses it as a Twitter handle too. What’s up? What’s Natural Resources’ angle?

DNR COP: (Telephone Filter) Kemmelring has been in contact with us.


DNR COP: (Telephone Filter) We’ve opened an investigation as a result.

JOHNNY: I see. Look, I have some files in my office that you may find useful. I’m flying to Texas this afternoon, but I’m scheduled to get back to BWI around midday on Monday.

SOUND: Airport background out.

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JOHNNY: After more than a week on the road, I was looking forward to getting home, but first I had to swing by the office and get those files copied for Corporal Anderson. I was just getting the last one through the copier …

SOUND: Knock on door.

JOHNNY: Come in.

SOUND: Door opens and closes.

DNR COP: Mr. Atsign? I’m Anderson.

JOHNNY: Please to meet you, and call me “Johnny.”

DNR COP: OK, Johnny. What have you got for me?

JOHNNY: It’s that stack of files on the desk there plus this one.

DNR COP: All that?

JOHNNY: Yeah. He and his buddies have been busy.

DNR COP: Whew.

JOHNNY: This last file is contact info for other agencies running investigations.

DNR COP: Uh, huh.

SOUND: Pages being flipped.

DNR COP: All these?

JOHNNY: He’s not directly implicated in all of them, but his associates are. There’s a lot of lead swapping among the cases.

DNR COP: I guess I get to join the party too.

JOHNNY: Good hunting. Oh, one more thing … When are they gonna post the limits for Rockfish on the Bay?

DNR COP: The season opens in about a month. They should have something posted online soon.

JOHNNY: OK. Call me if you need anything else.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch No pings only! No emails either! Including third parties. And don’t use sockpuppets either.

MUSIC: Theme up and under

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? Sometimes, in a game of Fizzbin you really don’t want to draw that third jack. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

33 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

    • if I’m mistaken, William has said that’s contacted he’s contacted NASA at least twice, but I’ll need to check with the woman with the African-American tinge.

  1. I had a half-fizzbin yesterday drawing a king and deuce of clubs… but then I realized it was night time and I needed a queen and a four. Now I’m out of money, I have an annoying tribble as my prize and I’m pretty sure this “Romulan ale” is really Bar-keepers Friend and Sprite.

  2. Twitter Attorney Smellfart parody question of the week #3:

    “Why am I the focus of multiple court orders from multiple states for harassment and stalking?”

    a) I’m trying to collect the whole set.
    b) People just don’t take harassment like in the old days.
    c) Everyone covets my possessions and wants to be like me.
    d) I hope I don’t have to go to jail, but if I do I want Brett to give me a ride to the lockup just like he does to all my court cases. Those drives to the courthouse are quality time with Brett, and we share so many intimate stories with each other. Oh, I miss him already!

    • I also could have sworn that William told us that he never backs away from fight, yet this is the third lulzsuit against the same defendants that he’s withdrawn or had dismissed because they were semi-literate paranoid fantasies in just ten months.

      Maybe I missed something where he publicly declared that he’s a pussy now.

      • Fourth, I believe. The one last May, the copyright suit, the federal LULZsuit that was dismissed last month, and this one.

      • It wasn’t a lawsuit, but when it comes to BS “never backing away from fights” — we would be remiss not to mention the vexatious Peace Order he perjured himself to acquire against Grady only to drop.

        • Why, it’s almost starting to seem as though all William does is run away from fights.

          There must be something we’re all overlooking.

    • On a tangent, just who does BS think he is reaching with his tweets? He has five followers, who, if one of the first tweets on his timeline is to be believed, are all Team K. He rails about the injustice of it all, but the only ones reading are those he views as his tormentors.

  3. The down twinkle gang appears to be fired up for some reason. Sense of impending DOOM! mayhaps?

  4. Here’s a suggestion for some fiction regarding The Bomber. Seems The Bomber had an enemy who was an accountant. In looking for dirt on the accountant he discovered on his spare time he was the editor of website called “Everyone eat beef!” The website was created in response to a Hindu extremist issuing Holy Mission to kill a politician for trying to legalize the sale of beef. Offended by the prospects of a minority issuing a “lead veto” to the will of the majority they determined that they would not be cowed. They began posting pictures of themselves dining on beef. One enterprising poster even posting a picture of a cattle truck arriving at the slaughterhouse.

    The Bomber took this an opportunity to rid himself of his enemy. He kept trying to “out” him as the publisher of the website. He described the website in as inflammatory language as he could. He even gave primers on where he lived, and, when and where the accountant was making public appearances. He called as many Hindus as he could. After a couple of years had passed without any Hindu extremist attempting to kill the accountant, he decided to take matters into his own hands. He decided that he would bomb again. He started to acquire the tools of his trade: wires, switches, and timers at Lowe’s scattered across the county. To protect himself, he made his purchases under a “Hindu sounding name” in case the FBI ever traced the purchase back to him. He figured he could point fingers at Hindu extremism. He could even claim that it may not very well have been a coincidence that it was his credit card that was hacked. He could claim that the Hindu extremists were trying to frame him to cover their tracks.

    As luck would have it, during this time Lowe’s had a massive data Breach. The Bomber saw this as a twofer. He could sue Lowe’s for “fraudulent” charges, and, he could put his cover story out in the public record.

    That is as much as I have completed. I’m not sure how the story ends.

    Of course, this is fiction, and any similarity of this post to any living person, or Proverbs 28:1, is strictly a coincidence.

  5. That’s too complicated for fiction, don’t you think? But wacky thing is, there is a real life bomber I know of who once had schemes and used cover crimes and cover stories as or even more elaborate and convoluted. It involved the CIA and sister’s Aunts and possibly-swallowed trunk keys. It’d be a funny story if people hadn’t been killed.

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