Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

PRODUCER: (Telephone Filter) Hey, Johnny, it’s Ray over at the studio. Do we have an episode this week?

JOHNNY: As a matter of fact we do.

PRODUCER: (Telephone Filter) So when are you gonna get the material over the the script guys.

JOHNNY: Tell ‘em to check their email. I sent something a few minutes ago.

PRODUCER: (Telephone Filter) I hope it’s good!

JOHNNY: Yeah. I think you’ll find it intriguing.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my extended investigation of The No Pings Only Matter.

THE GROUCH TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) I sent the email. So put me in jail.

JOHNNY: As I’ve told you before, The Grouch isn’t able to abide by a request to leave someone else alone. As a result, he wound up in front of a Circuit Court judge at a show cause hearing for contempt. That was because of his sending pingbacks and other messages in violation of a peace order.

Most people with with an above-room-temperature IQ would have broken off contact at that point—but not The Grouch. Still, this was bizarre behavior even for him.

SOUND: Cell phone rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

MALLORY: (Telephone Filter) Atsign, this is Mallory over at CID. What’s your interest in that case you left the voicemail about?

JOHNNY: Oh, I’ve been following the activities The Grouch for a couple years. I heard that he’s been sending you notes.

MALLORY: (Telephone Filter) He has. What do you know about him?

JOHNNY: Not much—aside from the fact that he’s got outstanding restraining orders against himself in three states. One of them was issued here in Carroll County, and it was the second one secured by the same party.

MALLORY: (Telephone Filter) Yeah. Tell me something I don’t know.

JOHNNY: I’d be happy to, but give me something to work with. What’s he on about this time?

MALLORY: (Telephone Filter) Perjury.

JOHNNY: What? Is he confessing to some of the whoppers he’s told?

MALLORY: (Telephone Filter) No. He’s claiming that the other guy lied to get those peace orders.

ANNOUNCER: I like long-sleeve t-shirts, and one of my favorites is the Hogewash! Res Judicata t-shirt. It’s exclusively available along with lots of other goodies at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today and spend some of your hard earned cash in support of Team Lickspittle. Or hit the Tip Jar. They’re both ways you can support the Team.

JOHNNY: After I finished laughing, I offered to stop by and give Mallory copies of my files on The Grouch.

SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps.

RECEPTIONIST: May I help you, sir?

JOHNNY: My name’s Atsign. I’m here to see Detective Mallory.

RECEPTIONIST: He’s expecting you. Please sign in.


RECEPTIONIST: OK. Go on back. Second office on the left.

JOHNNY: Thanks.

SOUND: Buzzer. Door opens. Footsteps.

JOHNNY: Detective Mallory?

MALLORY: Yep. You must be Atsign.

JOHNNY: That’s right. Here are those files I offered.

SOUND: Paperwork landing on desk.

MALLORY: (Incredulous) All that?

JOHNNY: He’s been busy the past couple of years. You may be most interested in the files with the blue tabs. They’re about The Grouch’s previous attempt to charge his victim with perjury. You can see that he went to a District Court Commissioner and filed an Application for Statement of Charges, …

MALLORY: Uh, huh.

JOHNNY: … and you can see the Commissioner didn’t find probable cause.


JOHNNY: What isn’t obvious it that he filed that Application on the same day as the first peace order was extended. Basically, his claim was that any testimony that contradicted his was a lie and, therefore, perjury.

MALLORY: OK. But where do you fit in with this current case?

JOHNNY: My client has an open peace order against The Grouch, and The Grouch just sent him an email.


JOHNNY: Here’s a copy. You’ll probably get another from the patrol deputies who took the report.


JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheGrouch No pings only! No emails either!

MUSIC: Theme up and under

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next time? A stacked deck, you say? Perhaps you should have cut the cards. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in every Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for an episode of Blognet or Blogsmoke on alternating weeks. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

21 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. What the malignant manatee doesn’t get is that the no contact order covers all kinds of contact regardless of its content. This isn’t a bug, it’s a feature: if the content of the message mattered, then it would call its constitutionality into question. He needs to understand that he is not part of your life, period.

    And I think it’s obvious to me that he simply saw an opportunity to contact you in a situation where he thought he couldn’t get in trouble for it. He thought he could contact you, and get away with it. And hopefully it will turn out he was wrong.

  2. Implicit in the phrase “do not contact me” is the statement that “you will never be able to help me in any way and even if you think you can be of help, no thanks.” The Grouch should post a list of people he should never contact — even if they seem to need a pal. Put it right near the F5 key or the M&Ms.

  3. Mallory: (Incredulous) All that? It’s like an orgy of evidence. You know how many orgies of evidence I have seen in this line of work?

    Johnny: Well, in fairness, the Grouch is an orgy of stupid.

    Mallory: Well, we don’t catch the smart ones.

  4. Well, it’s been a nice, quiet, peaceful day today.

    While it would be nice if he could keep it up, the dimwit just doesn’t have the self-control.

    Might as well start the pool – if he’s been perma-banned from Twitter he’ll have a blog post (probably at a new blog) by Tuesday at 6 PM.

    If not, Wednesday at 10 AM

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