Blogsmoke

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BlogsmokeSOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

JOHN: It wasn’t that long ago that The Grouch had to haul himself up to Westminster to a show cause hearing for contempt of court. He had continued to violate a peace order, and I decided that the best approach would be to treat it as a civil matter and let the Circuit Court enforce its own order rather than involve the District Court via one or more criminal charges. The judge took the matter under advisement after the hearing.

With contempt pending, you’d think that The Grouch would have been trying to be careful, that he would have gone out of his way to avoid contacting me or harassing me.

He didn’t.

INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) (Fading in) … doesn’t make any sense. I agree. However, we have to follow up with a formal complaint filed.

JOHN: I understand. You’re just doing your job.

INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) I appreciate your cooperation. I believe I have everything I need for now. Can you think of anything I’ve missed?

JOHN: No. You can pick up most of those documents from the Circuit Courthouse. I’ll put together a zip file of the others and email them to you, but it may take until tomorrow morning to get some of the files from backup storage.

INVESTIGATOR: (Telephone Filter) There’s no great rush. The Clerk’s office won’t be open over the weekend, and Monday’s a holiday. It’s not as if he’s contacting you directly at the moment.

JOHN: OK, but I’ll try to get it done before I forget.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

ANNOUNCER: It’s been cold. Really cold. The overnight low last night was below zero, and the high today was well below freezing. Tonight’s not supposed to be much warmer. On days like this, I’m glad to have my Team Lickspittle Hoodie as an extra layer of warm clothing. It and other Team Lickspittle items are some of the goodies exclusively available for you to spend your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Stop by today, and spend some cash to support Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

JOHN: It turned out that The Grouch decided that he could resume contacting me.

SOUND: Door knocker. Footsteps. Door opened.

JOHN: Come in.

SIMPSON: I’m Deputy Simpson. This my partner Deputy Willis.

JOHN: Come on in to the kitchen. I’ve got the stuff for you in there.

SOUND: Door closed. Footsteps.

SIMPSON: (Over footsteps) Dispatch said this had to do with a peace order.

JOHN: That’s right. Here, have a seat.

SOUND: Chairs pulled out.

JOHN: I’ve got everything laid out for you in this file.

SIMPSON: Uh, huh.

JOHN: The first sheet is a copy of the peace order for your reference. The next is the email he sent me.

SIMPSON: OK. What are the next couple of pages?

JOHN: The next two are tweets he sent admitting to sending the email.

WILLIS: Are those from your account or his?

JOHN: His.

SIMPSON: And the rest of this?

JOHN: That’s contact information for people doing related investigations.

WILLIS: We’ll write this up and present it to the State’s Attorney.

SIMPSON: Of course, we’ll pass along what you’ve given us to CID.

JOHN: Thanks, guys.

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Even with a good imagination, we can’t come up with stories as strange as The Grouch and his buddies provide for episodes of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” Be sure to tune in on Monday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next intriguing episode of “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign,” and join us again every Friday at 6 for alternating episodes “BLOGSMOKE” and “Blognet.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

46 thoughts on “Blogsmoke”


  3. I am surprised Willis and Simpson did not say something to the effect of:
    Wilis: “Wait a minute. You mean to tell me this guy just violated the Order and then openly admitted to it on Twitter for all the world to see?”
    Simpson: “I mean, we have busted some stupid potato-headed freaks in my day, but seriously, how freaking stupid can you be!?!”
    Wilis: “Well, we don’t really catch the smart ones, just the really, really stupid ones.”

    Reply ↓


  4. Waiting 4 The Worms @justplainbill15 · 3m 3 minutes ago

    …someone who offered information to help his wife, whom — BTW — he hasn’t mentioned since busting Schmalfeldt. How very odd!

    You didn’t have ANY information that would help anybody. You gave him the name of a PR person and the website clinicaltrials.gov. with the instructions “search for bone cancer”. Gee thanks.

    Not to mention the big point in all this. You didn’t need to contact him, did you? All you had to do was tweet it and he would have seen it. But then again, you knew that already.

    Reply ↓

    • Yeah, I just wrote something to this effect in a parody style of cabin boy, alleging entrapment, false reports of cancer, false reports of marriage, and demands for proof of, among other things, marriage, or else doomclock, eleventy, but I deleted it. You sometimes can’t tel whether something is comedy gold or simply in poor taste. But I totally agree, BS thinks this is all hoge’s fault, because… HOOOOOOGE!!!

      Reply ↓

  8. Tonite’s episode of Blogsmoke has had the very predictable result of lighting up Bills otherwise quiet Friday twitter feed. He thinks the REASON for the contact is relevant in this violation. When is he going to realize NO MEANS NO!! I’m sure he’s heard that enough since high school from the ladies.

    Reply ↓

    • I presume he’s going on and on about our honorable host’s “lies” – in the apparent hope that wishing it were so will make it so, if he just wishes hard enough.

      Keep on keepin’ on, BS. Don’t ever change. ‘Cause your behavior has worked so well up ’til now, hasn’t it?

      Reply ↓

    • He had nothing to offer. Even if he had had something besides preening over some links I and any of us have at our fingertips, he could have simply published them without making any contact. And to offer a trade for resolution or reigning in of his (improperly filed and baseless) lawsuit (which was IMO filed in bad faith as a way to annoy his target) was as revealing as it was reprehensible. He didn’t mean well. He just felt like toeing over the line again.

      Reply ↓

      • The true matter of fact is this. Even if Shakey had a cure. Even if Mr. Hoge’s announcement was fiction. Even if Mr. Hoge’s revelation was solely to bait the Tremulous Turd-Burglar into contact. Even if the whole shebang WAS a lie. The half-wit hovel dweller is the only one that broke the law. And he will be the only one pay the price.

        Reply ↓

      • Some things in life are bad
        They can really make you mad
        Other things just make you swear and curse
        When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
        Don’t grumble, give a whistle
        And this’ll help things turn out for the best…
        And…
        …always look on the bright side of life…
        (Whistle)
        Always look on the light side of life…
        (Whistle)
        If life seems jolly rotten
        There’s something you’ve forgotten
        And that’s to curse at HOGE and miss and swing
        When you’re taking a big dump
        Don’t be silly chump
        Just purse your lower lips and whistle
        – that’s the thing.
        And…always look on the bright side of life…
        (Whistle)
        Come on.
        Always look on the right side of life…
        (Whistle)
        For life is quite absurd
        And death’s the final word
        You must always face the CURE
        with a bow
        Forget about your sin – give the
        audience a grin
        Enjoy it – it’s your last chance
        anyhow.
        So always look on the bright side
        of death…
        (Whistle)
        a-Just before you draw your terminal breath…
        (Whistle)
        You’re a piece of shit, when you look at it
        You’re a laugh and you’re a joke, it’s true
        You’ll see its all a show, keep ’em laughing as you go
        Just remember that the last laugh is on you
        And…
        Always look on the bright side
        of life…
        (Whistle)
        Always look on the right side
        of life…
        C’mon Bill, cheer up
        Always look on the bright side
        of life…
        Always look on the bright side
        of life…
        Worse things happen at sea you know.
        I mean – where are you, Japan?
        You know, you come from a tranny
        You come in a tranny.
        What’ve you got? A tranny!

        Always look on the right side of life…
        what have you got to lose?
        You know, you come from nothing
        – you’re going back to nothing.
        What have you lost?
        Always (Nothing.) look on the right side of life…
        Nothing will come from nothing ya know what they say?
        Cheer up ya old bugga c’mon give us a grin!
        There ya go, see!
        Always look on the right side of life…
        (Cheer up ya old bugga c’mon give us a grin! At same time)
        There ya go, see!

        Reply ↓

      • It could be an attempt to sound impartial and honest, the way he used to make himself part of the “story” in his “investigative” and/or “news” articles, without (of course) letting on to the reader that he was both the writer and the subject.

        Reply ↓

        • Oh, that’s exactly what he is *trying* to convey – impartiality. But because we alllll know that it’s allll about Bill, that’s why I refer to it as his “royal we” persona. Call a spade a spade, you know?

          Reply ↓

  12. Schmalfeldt is in the begging stage of the Schmycle. Not very manly. Kind of pathetic to witness, actually.

    No wonder his beloved scolds him when he is menstruating.

    Reply ↓

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