Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

Here is one of the most glaring errors in The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt’s complaint that he has filed against Eric Johnson, a couple of John Does, and me.WMSvEJ ECF 1-9Federal question? What federal question? Defamation, false light invasion of privacy, and tortious interference are not federal questions. His abuse of process and malicious prosecution allegations all relate to Maryland state matters. Conspiracy and obstruction of justice aren’t even torts. Neither is intentional infliction of emotional distress; it’s an element of damages.

Diversity of citizenship requires that no plaintiff can reside in the same state as any defendant. The last time I checked, Elkridge and Westminster are both still in Maryland.

popcorn4bkThus, the U. S. District Court should not have original jurisdiction over any of the claims in the Cabin Boy’s™ LOLsuit. Lacking original jurisdiction on any claim, supplemental jurisdiction under § 1367(a) should not exist.

The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt has filed in a court that doesn’t have jurisdiction over his claims.


109 thoughts on “Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

  1. Mommy Judge Hollander, they’re being mean to me! Smite them for me!” is not a federal question. It lacks a question mark, you see.

    /ACME Law

    • Oh, Pablo, Pablo, Pablo ….

      Here’s how it’s done.

      Dear Mommy Judge Hollander,

      It’s Bill (SCHMALFELDT) again! You remember me? I’m the big handsome war hero with the deep, dumb voice, the pretentious one, and his name (SCHMALFELDT) on his shirt!

      I’m writing to you today because Hoge is thinking that Hoge am law again. As we both know, Hoge am not law! Law am law! I wrote that on Twitter, so it must be as probably false as that DD-214 I posted on a satellite radio chat board a decade ago and never referred to again true! Everything I say on Twitter is true, except for when I lied about deleting comments because I have nothing to hide, and all those other times. It’s the lickspittles and zombies who are liars!

      John is a nice man, I’m sure, just stupid and poop-flaked. But he keeps outsmarting me and getting peace orders against lil’ ol’ MEEEEE, who only doxxes people I think are 18 for offering the entirely justifiable libelous opinion that I suck.

      Of course, Hoge does it by CHEATING, FORGERY and quite possible time machines! He is a quantum physicist, you know. He could do it, and his desire to spread hate toward a disabled, Vietnam-era veteran with Stage XLVIII (just like the Super Bowl – do you like football?) Parkison’s Disease (PARKINSON’S DISEASE) just that strong. Hoge might even know MAGIC, Ellen. I can call you Ellen, right?

      Anyhoo, HOOOOOGGEEEEE will do anything to destroy me with his magic (MAGIC), so I’m suing him! That’ll show him for protecting his copyrights vexing me constantly! I’m going to get Krendler (KRRREEEENNNNNNDDDDLEEEERRRR!), too! You’ll be so proud of me, Mommy Ellen! Especially when I get that bastard, Howard!

      But there’s one reason for me to want to run to the poop-deck, which I don’t often make it to before it’s too late (OOPSIE POOPSIE!)

      You see, Schmalfeldt v. Johnson & Everyone Who Has Ever Been Mean To a Disabled Veteran has been assigned to Judge Richard Bennet, who is a Bush (BUSH, THE SATANIC ONE, NOT THE DAD THAT JUMPS OUT OF PLANES!) appointee.

      Obviously, that’s more cheating on Hoge’s part! HOOOOOGGGGGEEEEE!

      Please help me or you will lose your children. I WANT IT ALL, DOUG, ELLEN! Make it so.

      Be well,
      William M. Schmalfeldt,
      Elkridge, Maryland”

      See? Easy!

      • Notice how I got so lost character that I never actually made a point?

        That’s the key to a good William letter!

      • First thing I logged onto and read. Day. Made!

        I am dying laughing over here! LOL!

        You do realize, Neal, that a compilation of all of these Schmalfeldt/Hollander letters may have the potential of making a fantastic book one day. From my understanding, mashing a whole lotta nonsense together, in a short 72-hour period no less, and hitting publish is quite an easy endeavor.

        So easy even a Bill Schmalfeldt can do it.

      • Pablo – You have to give him more to work with for a faild0x. For example, if you chose “Pablo 123.” or something similar, then he can find dozens of people he’ll be certain are you. Or add an extra letter after Pablo, for maximum FAILd0xes.

        If he had a mind, he wouldn’t be able to wrap it around the idea that there are millions of people who use the internet, and therefore, most pseudonyms are not unique.

        Try logging in as “John Doe” and watch him go nuts FAILd0xing you.

      • What exactly are you saying here, Jane?

        That there may actually be more than one individual with the username Grace or grace3g on all of the intertoobz?!

        Say it ain’t so. 0.o

        • You’re all just jealous that you didn’t think of pretending to be a Zambian female first.

          Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a seance. The other gamers and I are conjuring the ghost of DeForest Kelley today!

      • Grace,

        I considered the book route, but the backstory is way too involved and complicated to properly explain. I tried laying it out for my girlfriend (because I pretend to be a Zambian lesbian, an important detail William left out) a couple of years ago, and gave up after an hour.

      • I understand completely, Neal. I, too, have attempted a few different times over the past two+ years to explain to hubby the sordid history that is The Big BM. The first conversation entailed a promise to him that I was not making the whole thing up.

        Subsequent conversations have understandably resulted in numerous eyerolls. In fact, just this past week I feared hubby’s eyeballs may once-and-for-all roll entirely out of his head when I informed him his wife was being threatened with a vexatious, federal lolsuit courtesy of Blob.

        As I continued explaining the details of Blob’s claims (i.e., butthurt ELEVENTY!!1!!1!) I became even moreso concerned for hubby’s welfare as his lulz muscles are not as conditioned as a Lickspittle’s.

      • In explaining to my much adored husband, I started with a particularly penis-looking photo. That sort of set the stage and made the rest much easier to follow.

        Warning! Don’t try that at home.

        My husband’s lulz are nearly as trained as any lickspittle’s or zombie’s, and I knew that going in. It’s important that all heed Grace’s caution with regard to their own significant others.

  2. But — but — but — you have to keep reading, John! You have to keep reading until you find a part that matches what the prevaricating plaintiff wants to believe it there! I know how you can become just as good at reading English as the multiply adjudicated harasser:

    Ever feel hopeless; alone; like you’re drowning in a river of fear pee, and totally helpless to do anything about it? Then you need No Reading Comprehension.

    With amazing No Reading Comprehension, suddenly complicated legal treatises, federal code, and more will seem childishly easy. In fact, no matter where you look, the law will say exactly what you want it to say! Don’t drown in fear pee – let No Reading Comprehension empower you today!

    No Reading Comprehension is a proud supporter of feldtdowns. Now with even more demented idiocy!


  3. In which Bill Schmalfeldt attempts to explain the difference between gravy and shit:


      • It’s the hot new catchphrase sweeping the nation. Join all the other cool kids and tell Bill he sucks at life. “Bill you suck at life” is a trademarked observation wholly owned by JuicyJoe Enterprises with royalties due upon it’s use.
        Hey Bill, don’t hate, I’m just trying to get me some of that fame and fortune you keep saying you create for other people.

  4. I will admit to being that John gave up several of the mechanical reasons that the lulzsuit is doomed.

    I was sort of hoping that he’d let him panic until the motions to dismiss.

    • The actions of a man with no concerns about this whatsoever. SPECTRE should know by now that he can walk and chew gum at the same time.

  5. “Judge Bennett served over 20 years in the U.S. Army Reserve and Maryland
    National Guard, and is a Major in the Retired Reserve. He received the
    Maryland Commendation Medal for Outstanding Service, the Maryland
    Distinguished Service Cross for Service Beyond the Call of Duty and the
    Meritorious Service Medal.”

    Oh my, this is going to be interesting.

    • Now whatever will he do with a defendant with an all to obvious case of STOLEN VALOR? I hope the judge requires the “Snitch” to make a courtroom appearance so that he can put a few comments on the record.

      Hey, “Snitch”, Mommy…Ooooops…Ellen……Judge Hollander….ain’t gonna save your cookies this time.

      Maybe Brian Williams will….when he remembers that he was with you in the ‘Nam or on the beaches of Beirut……Hmmmmm…sounds like a Navy Hymn in the making.

      • Unfortunately, the Stolen Valor Act has been mostly overturned, and you have to materially profit by fraudulent military claims in order to be vulnerable to prosecution. You’d have to claim combat- or disabled-vet preferences to obtain federal employment, for example.
        Making wildly ludicrous claims in order to browbeat people on message boards or twitter is just embarrassing*, not criminal.

        *assumes functional sense of shame. Your mileage may vary.

      • Hmmm … Perhaps Bill will learn the difference between federal criminal prosecution (Where the People of the United States of America are the plaintiff) and federal civil torts? I know the criminal end all too well and Bill has no idea what it is to be a federal criminal defendant. First off, unless you have a $100,000.00 laying around, you will not find an attorney willing to represent you. So you’ll end up with a federal public defender who will negotiate a proffer to lessen your penalty and incarceration. He (or she) will not go to trial for you unless there is a 100% chance of beating the charges. You will be incarcerated without bail in a contracted federal detention facility hours and perhaps many states away from your home and family and if you are an asshat, you’ll be given ‘diesel therapy’ where you will be shuffled all around the US for months at a time between court appearances. You will be neglected medically and survive on stale sandwiches of greasy salami and rubber cheese with warm 2% milk three times a day. You will be forced to either sleep on a 1″ mat on the floor or in a wheelchair. The US Marshals Service hopes you die.
        Once you are convicted, you’ll eventually be transferred to a medium security federal medical facility. Behind walls, wires and armed guards in the towers. You will finally get some medical attention.
        I sure hope you never padded your resume or application with claims not included in your military records in order to secure preference or a higher GS rating. Those are actionable federal crimes, not civil torts.
        You often make fun of me, call me names and have fun at my expense because of my federal conviction. Since you are acutely aware of my past, you need to heed my advice about avoiding a federal criminal investigation. They arrest over 80% of the time and achieve 98% conviction rate.
        .YOU .WILL .LOSE.

        • Maybe that happened you, but William’s far to clever for that.

          He’ll publish a Twitter exclusive revealing that the U.S Attorney is Mr. Ed and the judge is Seabiscut. Not only will he be set free, but he’ll be given the Congressional Medal of Honor and a Parade. Then Cosmopolitan will run a cover story called “Parkinson’s is the New Sexy: 12 Reasons Why Crazed Cripples are Right for YOU!”

          He really has no reason to worry. After all, he discovered that I’m a prentendy Nambian virgin chick that loves Star Wars! I thought I covered my tracks brilliantly, but Schmalfeldt caught me.

          I just hope that he never learns that I’m really Dan (DON) Foreman.

          • Heh. He knows all too well who I am. I pray that knowledge serves to keep him out of the clutches of the federal criminal system.
            I doubt it will, his fantasy is ultimate victimhood.

  6. Like I said, a legal turd. DOA – courts can and do throw out cases on their own initiative based on jurisdiction.

  7. You know, you’d think he’d tire of being a laughing stock after a while, but he never fails to provide vast amounts of entertainment for both Lickspittles and Zombies (as well as the more casual observer). Bless his precious, deranged heart.

    • “Now, and I apologize for this, but you’re going to wind up being the Monica Lewinsky for Jeremy’s Bill Clinton unless you start telling the truth and start telling it quick. I’m done fucking around, and I am not going away. You’ve already had “the media’s” interest in this case explained to you. Now, do you wanna play dumb and lose your kids? Or do you wanna play smart and keep what you got? I am not making any threats. I am just trying to help you avoid a shit storm for some giggling fuck who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you. Do you really want to be dragged through the mud for THIS giggling shitwit. I’ll wait to hear from you. But I send what I have … EVERYTHING … to the Wisconsin Media tomorrow.”

  8. @weltschmerz Bill Schmalfeldt
    My military service is my business and my business alone. But since the Lickspittle Hordes won’t stop lying…
    9:44am – 8 Feb 15

    No, it isn’t for two reasons: 1) some of this is info that the public has a right to (otherwise the info would not be released under FOIA), and 2) BS has publicized it, along with his sex life, bowel habits, details of his marriages, etc. when you make it public, it is public.

    • Precisely, A Reader #1.

      He doesn’t have a leg to stand on here. All of his it’s “my business and my business alone” is complete rubbish. Not to mention that if The Big BM had the desire and the funds to dig through the military records of someone he wished to d0x and harass, he would do as much in a heartbeat giving zero consideration as to whether it was his business or not. He has done FAR, FAR worse FAR too many times to count.

      FOR YEARS Bill Schmalfeldt has attempted to justify his harassment and stalking by claiming it’s all on the up-and-up because the material he posts — in an effort to intimidate and threaten others using their personal and private information — was publicly available on the Internet.

      Blob has never been able to grasp the fact that just because information is publicly available, posting it solely to harass, extort, and intimidate is lawless behavior… besides being downright scummy and creepy.

      • Exactly, and well stated, Grace!

        The lack of self-awareness, the blatant and constant hypocrisy, are just stunning. Absolutely stunning.

    • His military record is his business but the death of my daughter is also his business?

      He’s got to be just trolling. He can’t possibly lack that much self awareness.

      Also, wasn’t he leaving the Internet for good a few weeks back?

      • Lauren, I am so very sorry your family has faced, and continues to suffer, such unimaginable tragedy. My family has prayed for yours many, many times.

        Please know, Lauren, all of the people here and at TMZ remain outraged at his abuse of your family. It was beyond monstrous and inhuman.

      • Mrs. Stranahan, I regret to inform you, he’s not trolling.

        What he did to you and tried to do to the young mother in Wisconsin remains the primary driver of my interest in Schmalfeldt. Attacking women via their children is IMO the worst of all his vile acts.

      • It is always good to hear from you sweet lady. From one mother to another, my interest in seeing this piece of filth go down was solidified by what he did to you. We aren’t going to give up until he goes away, rest assured. Love and hugs to you and your babies.

      • Hi, Lauren.

        As mind-blowing of a realization as it is… Yes. Bill Schmalfeldt DOES lack THAT MUCH self-awareness.

        BTW — My “He has done FAR, FAR worse… ” comment above was inarguably made with you and your beautiful family in mind. What this vile creature put you and your loved ones through will never be forgotten by many of us.

        And, yes again. He swore for the 4,692nd time he was leaving the Internet. Unfortunately, this will never happen unless he is either forced to via a court of law, or he dies. *SMH*

        God bless, girl. Always.

  9. Bill Schmalfeldt @weltschmerz2015 · 4m 4 minutes ago
    Now, would you like to see my evidence that @schmeltdown, aka “DesertFox1991” isn’t a vet of anything but fucking VIDEO GAME WARS?

    Aaaaaaaaaand we have another FAILDOX!!!

    What an epic weekend this has been.

    • So, if someone plays video games, that means they weren’t in the military? Does anyone else find it odd that AB asked for the DD-214s and BS sends other stuff, in other words, non-responsive? Rhetorical question, by the way. I have very little knowledge in this area, so I readily admit my lack of expertise and to being merely an interested observer.

    • You see me now a veteran
      Of a thousand psychic wars
      My energy’s spent at last
      And my armor is destroyed

      I have used up all my weapons
      And I’m helpless and bereaved
      Wounds are all I’m made of
      Did I hear you say that this is victory?

      Don’t let these shakes go on
      It’s time we had a break from it
      Send me to the rear
      Where the tides of madness swell
      And been sliding into hell

      Oh, please don’t let these shakes go on
      Don’t let these shakes go on
      Don’t let these shakes go on

    • Zero point zero percent on the Multistate; Zero point zero on the essays. Same score as his handler, BK would get. Neither one has any comprehension of The Law.

      Both view it as a vehicle to harass and coerce.

      Remember Julia Scyphers
      Remember Carl DeLong

    • How many hours are you giving him to study the parts of the law he hasn’t already? hahaha

      I would give 100% odds that the score of our genteel host would more than triple the score of Acme.

      • 100% is way too low, Jane. In fact, no finite number times zero can equal a finite number. We have to look at a transfinite number like aleph null.

  10. So Cousin Bill received “second place winner” in a minor subcategory of the 1985 CHINFO merit recognition awards. A. B. will, I’m sure be validating the existence of documents related to this award, since Cousin Bill has been kind enough to open the door.

    Argumendo, let’s assume the document is genuine.

    That said, a few questions for clarification, if you please, Cousin Bill:

    How many competitors were there for the “A Radio Series (Non ARFTS Outlet)” subcategory?

    More than, say, TWO?

    I’m always suspicious that these awards are “short-bus-everybody-gets-a-ribbon-for-just-showing-up” type affairs, but that’s just because I’m a suspicious, surly, no-good Lickspittle kinda guy. Prove me wrong, please.

    Let us hope not, and that Cousin Bill actually had a shining moment of achievement.

    Next questions:

    Was there a cash award? A promotion? Was this award important enough to be mentioned in the next performance review? A certificate suitable for framing?

    We want it all, Bill.

    Any reticence on your part will cause us to have to conclude you are hiding something.

    (I’m not even going to say anthing mean, like “second place winner is just ‘first loser'”.)

  11. Clearly our Grace is a role-model emulated around the world. I think many of us would have chosen “Grace” as our handle, had we run across her comments before those who inspired us to choose as we did. Particularly those of us who are Zambian lesbians. hahaha

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