In Re a LOLsuit

The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt is at it again.

He has also filed an application to proceed in forma pauperis.

I do not plan to make any substantive comment on this suit until I have thoroughly reviewed the complaint.

176 thoughts on “In Re a LOLsuit

    • This filing looks to be beyond even Brett Kimberlin’s level of incompetence.

      I think he may have had to talk to Roger Shuler in order to screw up this badly.

      • The RICO suit was confusing and creepy. But this – this is a masterpiece of unintentional comedy.

        I’m thinking of printing it out, framing each page, and hanging it throughout my home. My barrister friends will have enormous fun with it.

        On the other hand, I figure that it will be dismissed with extreme prejudice by the end of the month, and William can tour America’s law schools with an “It Exists!” exhibit. I think the only reason it made it to PACER is so law professors can show it to their students and say, “Don’t ever do this.”

        I was hoping that Schmalfeldt v. Johnson, et al would be good, but I couldn’t have dreamed of something this exquisite!

    • The gross detail and attempt at justification regarding those vile, disgusting schticks he created/performed concerning children and explicit, sexual acts is simply beyond any decent and sane human beings’ comprehension.

      Tis amazing he is so damn offended when people make reference to, and identify them via what they entail, when he is quite obviously very proud of his creations.

      Bill Schmalfeldt is beyond repulsive.

      • But he’s putting all in the public record, in a way that can’t later be memory-holed. In many ways, he’s doing Defendant Johnson’s work for him.

        Why do I get the feeling that, in about three months, William will commence legal action against PACER and himself for making him look like a twat?

        Y’know, unless the stress gets to him first …

  1. Some of his previous filings have been technically decent, and that’s been pointed out here.

    But this is bad, REALLY bad.

    What the hell was he thinking?

    • Is this essentially what he wanted to say at the contempt hearing?

      Did he really admit to child pr0n in a court filing? And I’m thinking his description is prohanky not nearly as bad as the actual stuff he tried to sell.

      Was it General Horner who coined the phrase “stuck on stupid”?

    • Thank you, Cousin Roy, for the perfect summary of the adjudicated harasser’s every thought – asleep, awake, demented, hallucinating, unconscious, subconscious, etc.


  2. As a nationally know public figure I.E. Broadway Bill Schmalfeldt on XM Satellite Radio’s “On Broadway” channel he will have a problems with meeting the standard for libel

    I can not believe all of the legal jeopardy he has placed himself in with this filing.

      • I’m not an expert in tort law, but one rather significant error in this complaint jumps out at me. I imagine it hasn’t escaped our host’s notice, and I have no intention of pointing it out to the Cabin Boy, but I needed the afternoon chuckle.

    • “I can not believe all of the legal jeopardy he has placed himself in with this filing.”

      I know, right? Tis mind blowing. *SMH*

    • Yep.

      And, the easily-proven falsehoods are crazy abundant. Not to mention the huge holes and gaps in most of his claims are going to come back to bite him.

      I could say so much more. But, no educating Blob. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

      Watching him sink is gonna be entertaining.

      • Indeed. Those people aren’t known for their buoyancy.

        But I was given to understand that they were supposed to be jolly.

    • hahahaha
      I finally finished and came here to post similarly, hkk:

      The signature is clearly a forgery – it’s too close to his other signatures.

    • Based on recent happening and assurances, this must clearly be a forgery produced by Team Lickspittle ™ via TMZ’s sooper-sekrit conspiricist website – which just goes to prove all the accusations alleged within the complaint.

      • I darn near sprained my spleen laughing over Blob whining about some blog he has zero proof even exists in the first place.

        And, then his claims there is some blood oath and sworn promise to conspire to destroy him to be accepted as a member, or some such nonsense, is just over-the-top cray.

        It makes him sound like a complete nutter. Good grief.

        • And then he went on to create his own one, which William didn’t mention in his lulzsuit.

          I guess he ran out of space.

      • Yep. Something about WAR or something, wasn’t it? But, definitely a members-only site. Silly Blobby. Always with the “Good for me, but not for thee.” worldview.

        Gotta wonder if The Big BM ever considered, even for a moment, that all of the talk about a Sooper Sekrit Site could have simply been a bit of gaslighting for giggles?


  3. John, you should file a motion with your Circuit Court to reopen the evidence in your contempt proceedings seeking to have this complaint admitted and considered. Bill has done himself no favors in that the vast majority of what he says reflects horribly on him, and on his dealings with you. He sounds like the exact sort of narcissistic psychopath that would need to be held accountable for his contempt for the court, its orders and rules, and the rule of law in society in general.

      • My favorite part about the malicious prosecution section is that is proven by the nolle prosse of the eleventy peace order violations. Therefore, under Schmalfeldian logic, O.J Simpson was a victim of same by virtue of his acquittal. I was actually waiting for, “Hitler was never charged or convicted of crimes against humanity, so …”

        And he gave this to a judge. A real one. In a robe, and everything!

  4. Oh, and the irony of crying “They have a member-only site – conspiracy!” just, what, two or three weeks after making his own site member-only?

    Meter’s pegged.

  5. That filing might have been the most single most beautiful thing I’ve ever read. And I read A LOT.

    “They’ve ruined my sterling reputation in the community! And while I’m at it, let me tell you in graphic detail what I said about kids blowing each other! See, just a regular private citizen, writing about my life for profit.”

    Oh, and there’s this …

    Bill Schmalfeldt @weltschmerz2015 · 53m 53 minutes ago
    “I do not plan to make any substantive comment on this suit until I have throughly reviewed the complaint.”
    He misspelled thoroughly. Doy!

    Says the man who misspelled his own name in his last set of federal court papers.

    • I cannot begin to express how uncomfortable reading p36 is. And I’ve head the recordings in full!

      He has no capacity for self-awareness.

      • That’s why I love him. That’s why he completes me.

        And besides going on lovingly about children molesting one another, he gave us the nugget about feeling like he was playing a soap opera villain!

        Soap opera villains tend to be more attractive and more realistic than William. He went into cartoon territory years ago.

      • The list of Bill Schmalfeldt’s self-awareness fails is to long to even contemplate compiling.

        I believe the technical term is a “butt-load” of fails.

    • Says the moron who misspelled the word “the” in a short cover letter to the clerk.

      We could be here for weeks listing the freakshow’s language, grammar, and spelling fails.

      But I gotta say, I don’t understand Mr. Hoge having a typo on a blog which is much more important than court pleadings. And his only excuse is his wife’s surgery, and Mr. Hoge providing care for her, distracting him.

      • Baby steps. Jane. Baby steps. I could’t be prouder that the lad spelled his own name correctly every time on this one. Sure, he probably copy-pasted it, but he learned from criticism.

        Unfortunately, the rest of the complaint is to argument and legal scholarship what stuffing a weed-whacker down the front of your pants and turning it on is to romance.

      • Neal, I want to believe you… really I do… but it was in the first sentence of the first page of his filing packet. The first, Neal.

        You know how important those first impressions are, Neal. Now who will take him seriously? Who will believe that through yet another “successful” dox, the Super FAIL discovered he is really Oliver Wendell Jones?

        The. First. Sentence.

  6. If BS believes he is “a long way from deranged,” well, um… he probably should have put this LOLsuit into the shredder rather than in the legal system, because he isn’t doing himself any favors. He knows so many things that aren’t so. And the lack of self-awareness is almost at BK levels. But hey, $75k can buy a lot of butthurt cream.

  7. With an outstanding court order against him….
    While waiting for a contempt of court judgement…

    Bill seems to be getting some very poor legal advice from someone. Seemingly someone who doesn’t give two hoots about what happens to Bill.

      • I differ on that somewhat.

        Is William being manipulated because he and Brett are living a re-enactment of “Of Mice and Men”? Sure.

        But if you want to create a public narrative regarding forgery for the record, you decidedly do NOT include with it your comedic stylings about prepubescent c——–g.

        That’ll take all of the oxygen out the room. Just sayin’.

        Also, “Tell me about the rabbits, Brett.”

    • I’m not a lawyer, but it appears to me that William’s complaint also doubles as the defendants’ motion to dismiss.

      And we say that he’s a bad guy …

  8. I, for one, have learned my lesson. From this day forward, I shall strive to be medically correct.

    Bill Schmalfeldt is NOT a deranged cyberstalker. He’s a demented cyberstalker!

    I hope we can put at least that part of the Funniest Lawsuit Ever behind us.

    William makes Kimberlin look like Atticus Finch. Who thought that was possible?

      • DERANGED:
        mad; insane
        synonyms: disturbed, unbalanced, unhinged, unstable, irrational


        the notional environment in which communication over computer networks occurs


        a person who stealthily hunts or pursues an animal or another person.
        a person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention.



      • You heard it here first – Webster and Merriam are clearly in on the conspiracy and must be stopped. The rats.

        Garland may have also been in on it. A few subpoenas will clear that up. GOTCHA

        Unless Garland wants to play it smart and keep what he’s got – he can save himself by giving up the others. But remember, he wants it all, Doug John of Garland.

        John… John? John of Garland… That’s the exact same pattern, using words correctly, saying smart things… If you were as smart as you think you are, you’d have known your quantum mechanics (as if that’s a real thing), and many other skills and talents are no match for Super FAILdoxer, Mr. Hoge.

        Epic fail leaving those links to Hogewash! where Super FAILdoxer could find them, John of Garland, I mean “Mr. Hoge”.

  9. So… Bill’s explanation of what he believes to be the legal boundries for publishing pornography is now in the public record? Got it. Get a lawyer, Bill.

  10. It reads more like a stream-of-“consciousness” rant about butthurt than an actual legal filing.

    And even there, I think I’m being generous.

  11. Paragraph 69:

    “SCHMALFELDT believes this whole affair has shaved years off of his already Parkinson’s disease shortened lifespan.”

    Bill… you magnificent bastard I read your Blog!

    “Let’s get one thing clear. Parkinson’s disease is not a fatal illness. You die WITH, not OF Parkinson’s disease. It’s one of my pet peeves, newspaper or other media stories that say someone “died of Parkinson’s disease.” It spreads a false believe that this is a fatal condition.”

    “Parkinson’s is a life sentence, not a death sentence.”

    “Just don’t put yourself into situations that could lead to your hurting yourself… like I did… yesterday… because I’m a moron.”


  12. Paragraph 2… “and as a decent human being.” Anyone care to dispel that one? I think we could make a fine list of his decent behavior:
    1) Harassing a grieving mother.
    2) Threatening to dox little old ladies
    3) Superimposing the image of people who disagrees with onto pornography
    4) Filing vexatious lawsuits
    I can’t help but wonder how high this number could go.

  13. “Felonious Butthurt!” “Garble-Blather Per Se”, “Fear-Pee”.
    How utterly devoid of any intelligence, wit or reason.
    A defining moment of Schmalfeldt-ism, Bill shoots himself in both feet multiple times with the AR-15 he has been famously photographed holding.
    A copy of this filing and a call to the State Police that this man is in possession of firearms and ammunition should have interesting results (confiscation of firearms being the least of them).
    Forget the HoCo Sheriff’s — no coffee and donuts (or footlongs with mayo) there so they will ignore, you must bypass them and deal with the State LEO’s.
    I have realized that my prayers for Bill’s redemption and salvation have been for nought. I am adjusting my focus to asking God to rescue Bill from himself and his rapidly degrading mental status.
    Please Lord, in your mercy, take Bill home.

  14. Mr. Hoge,

    I’m not privy to all the history and details of all your interactions with Bill Schmalfeldt, nor should I be… Unlike a certain deranged individual I respect your privacy, so my impression is just that, an impression based on what (little) I know from the relatively short time I’ve been following this sad soap opera.

    That caveat in mind, my impression is that you’ve been going out of your way to treat Bill Schmalfeldt as gently as possible while attempting to convince him to quit his stalking and harassing. Agreeing to drop the criminal charges, filing for civil rather than criminal contempt are two data points that support my impression.

    That reflects well upon your character, that you could show mercy and compassion to someone who has treated you in such a vile manner… BUT:

    I don’t believe that mercy and compassion has served yourself, your family, your fellow bloggers, or those random members of the general population targeted by Bill Schmalfeldt, well.

    It’s not my intent to criticize with benefit of 20/20 hindsight, rather I’d like to offer the opinion of someone whom I Iike to think is even-tempered, logical, and reasonable (when not waxing hyperbolic for the LOLZ): ME! :0)

    My opinion is, given all we know and even more we suspect of Bill Schmalfeldt, it’s time for you to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of #WAR. It’s certainly up to you how you choose to proceed, and for all I know there may be a figurative howling pack of hell-hounds pursuing the Elkridge Horror at this very moment.

    TL;DR Synopsis: You’ve suffered enough from Bill Schmalfeldt’s misbehavior. You’ve every right to do what is needed to make him stop, no matter the consequences to the admittedly pathetic and pitiable Bill Schmalfeldt.

    There’s my free advice, worth every penny paid for it! :0)

    Be well! (and the missus, too!)

  15. “This is all because I believe that Brett Kimberlin should be allowed to walk the Earth free. After all, he only carpet bombed one town, and that was a really long time ago. And for that, the named defendants won’t allow me to produce and sell to an unsuspecting public my homages to underaged fellatio in peace! It’s an outrage!”

    The more I read, the more I fall in love. And I’m not even discussing the lethal legal flaws, which I could be even funnier about.

  16. Back on topic: Boy Bill really shut up quick about his latest Faildox, uh Dan or Don or Kirk.

    Wonder what happened?

    • “I would not have chosen to make this mistake,” Williams said. “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one aircraft with another.”

      Yeah. That’s an easy mistake to make. “Was I on the helicopter that got hit or did I show up an hour later?”

      Resignation should be forthcoming. What a turd.

    • Brian Williams: “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one aircraft with another.”

      BS: “Well I was confused about whether I was standing on a beach in a war zone or sitting in the well deck of an amphib 3 miles off the coast. Simple, honest mistakes.”

  17. “I do not plan to make any substantive comment on this suit until I have thoroughly reviewed the complaint… and stopped laughing so hard my ribs were in danger” FIFY

    • One can never be too careful. Poorly written suits can be dangerous. Now I remember, back in the war……..

  18. It really is to too bad that this public hallucination of a lulzsuit will never see the inside of a courtroom.

    I happen to be of the opinion that the defence calling someone from the National Parkinsons Foundation to explain why they wanted no public association with William would be the most hilarious thing ever. I would swim to Maryland to witness that. Getting his doctor to testify about why he didn’t wanting William suing the world would be pretty neat, too.

    But I fear that the defendants won’t even get an opportunity to file a Motion to Dismiss. The judge will either throw it out himself, or Schmalfeldt will be a huge pussy and withdraw it.

    Say, how’s that “evidence folder” coming along?

    • The first hurdle is having his pauper status approved. I would surely love to see that filing. Blob should be rolling in dough with all the sales of his kajillion products which are for sale everywhere, worldwide (!!!)…unless EPWJ’s mean old Amazon reviews totally skunked him!

      • And the generou$, graciou$ reward$ he’s offering for identitie$ on his $ooper $ecret Site!

        On the other hand, maybe he’s getting income that he’s not disclosing to the court. Who can say?

  19. Finally home.

    Read it.

    Um. Did you know that we all had to swear mighty oaths of destruction upon SCHMALFELDT!!!!ELEVENTY! before we could be admitted to this site?

    Is anyone else humming “John Barleycorn Must Die”? Since we seem to have 1) come out of the West our fortune for to try; and sworn a solemn oath….

  20. Bill is claiming that he can’t pay any of the bills for the lolsuit, but the form requesting in forma pauperis lists all his income and all his monthly expenses. As he’s filled out the form he has approximately $600 a month after ALL expenses, including entertainment.

    That would seem to be a pretty rich “pauper”.

  21. This is yet another in a long string of incidents in which I am not laughing with Bill, but laughing at Bill.

    What a maroon!

  22. What the heck is a “false negative review”? I mean we all know what a negative review is, so is a false negative review actually a positive review? I mean: a negative negative is positive in math.

    Once you have defined whatever a false negative review is, is it ACTIONABLE? Plenty of reviews exist on Amazon where I don’t agree with the review, and in some cases, those reviews are negative towards the seller. But I don’t see lawsuits over it.

    The complaint says that the defendant did not read or purchase the reviewed item. How on earth could the plaintiff “know” that, unless NO copies had been released? Amazon even differentiates between reviews by persons that have purchased the item from Amazon and those who have not with their “verified purchase” tag. Thus a reader of the review can evaluate how much weight to give a review in their decision to purchase the subject product.

    • hahaha

      Being the all seeing, all knowing, mind reading geenyus that is a freakshow, it seems clear to me that he read Eric’s mind and knows that Eric really loved the materials but claimed otherwise.

      That LOLsuit is nothing but a ridiculous indulgence of narcissism and paranoia.

    • They are available through kindle unlimited and he posted most of them in PDF FORM on other websites.

      • Sssshhh! Don’t tell everyone or there will be such a stampede the rest of us won’t even be able to shop at Amazon for other things! hahahaha


    • Strange that he didn’t bitch about, or include in his filing, the guy who plainly stated that he had not read the book but gave it a positive review anyway. Apparently if you plainly state you never read a book and give it a positive review it’s all good with Bill. BUT….if you read the book through one of the many channels that Bill has used to drop his messes all over the internet, then DOOM is to you. What a marooon.

  23. Bill Schmalfeldt @weltschmerz2015 · 14h 14 hours ago

    Nitwits are forgetting I am the plaintiff. Nobody makes me read parodies. I make THEM read their statements. I am not on trial. They are.

    Oops..wrong again!!!

    You are gonna done down faster than BK did in August. Your credibility is an issue, maroon.


    • Oh my, oh my. It boggles the imagination to think how many legal errors the great BM made in this complaint. There is no worry about educating Acme Law about the meaning of defamation per se; they have proved themselves uneducable on the subject. But there are so many really new errors of law: Acme must have called in its senior partners to draft this one.

      Making the unlikely assumption that this survives a motion to dismiss and the even more unlikely assumption that it survives a motion for summary judgment, he will then be required to prove with credible evidence his factual allegations (for example that he once had a reputation as a “decent human being”). I suspect cousin Roy may be happy to provide some interesting testimony in rebuttal.

      And then the Horror of Elkridge had the extreme misjudgment to demand a jury trial. Try imagining the reaction of a jury.

      “And Mr. Doe did you have any rational basis for your opinion that the plaintiff produced child pornography.”

      “Well, yes, I heard these skits admittedly broadcast by the plaintiff on his own radio station. Blah blah blah.”

      After the jury returns from throwing up, the case can continue. Judges may like to think that jurors carefully parse their instructions, but in reality, jurors will make up their own minds about whether it was a reasonable opinion to view those skits as porn, whether or not they were prosecuted criminally. I doubt that a jury will find Lee Stranahan’s wife’s testimony consistent with the World’s Witless Wonder’s self-assessment of being a decent human being.

      • There are reasons to believe that it won’t even get as far as a motion to dismiss. The errors in law and basic reasoning are so glaring that it could very well be tossed as soon as someone reviews it. And he or she stops laughing.

        And when was the last time that William pointed to something “decent” that he’s done subsequent to 2007? I seem to remember him referring to his experimental noggin surgery as being “the only decent thing I’ve ever done,” although I could have the precise wording wrong.

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