Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

Given the way stories of broken agreements are being noised about the Internet, the folks at LBS thought it might be a good idea to present this episode from last June again.

Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) Mr. Atsign, Bob Bailey here.

JOHNNY: Hello, and call me Johnny.

BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) OK, Johnny, I see that The Grouch has had another appeal rejected. You worked on that case, didn’t you?


BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) I’ve developed a personal interest in the matter, and I wonder what you can tell me without breaching your client’s confidentiality.

JOHNNY: Quite a bit, Mr. Bailey. Quite a bit.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) Hey, @TheGrouch I thought you said you were going to embarrass someone. Beside yourself.

JOHNNY: A peace order had been issued against a noted Internet harasser known as The Grouch. He had appealed that order, and the Maryland Court of Appeals, that state’s top court, rejected his appeal. However, The Grouch is nothing if not consistent in his refusal to learn from his mistakes. While the peace order was in force, he continued harassing his victim. I was involved in documenting that harassment.

ZOA: (Fading in) … so there were charges filed by the Commissioners on around 350 these tweets.

JOHNNY: Yes, but there’s over a hundred more documented here.

ZOA: And we can use every single one of ‘em to support the petition for extension.

JOHNNY: You need to direct the judge’s particular attention to the one’s I’ve highlighted.

ZOA: Yes, it wasn’t very smart to refer to the judge that way.

JOHNNY: What did you think of the one on page 24?

ZOA: Did I miss one? Let me look. (Laughs). I don’t think the judge will be amused by that one. Neither am I for that matter.

JOHNNY: Well, I didn’t think you were his type. On another point, are you going to use the homoerotic porn?

ZOA: (Fading out) I’d rather not, but it may be necessary …

JOHNNY: In spite of, or maybe because of, The Grouch’s online bluster and bloviating, the peace order was extended. And The Grouch appealed.

BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) You’d think he’d want to stop digging.

JOHNNY: It get’s weirder.

ANNOUNCER: Are you a proud member of Team Lickspittle and a fan of Johnny Atsign? You can show you support by wearing Team Lickspittle gear. The Grand Hog, Johnny Atsign, Team Lickspittle, Collateral Estoppel and Res Judicata merchandise is available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today, spend some money, and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

JOHNNY: After the peace order was extended, The Grouch was still facing over 300 counts of violating that order, and a judge had found that the tweets that allegedly made up the violations did, in fact, violate his order. That made the convictions on all counts pretty much a slam dunk. However, all the victim wanted was to be left alone. When the opportunity to engage in mediation came up, the victim offered to recommend dropping the charges in exchange for The Grouch simply obeying the peace order and dropping his appeal.

BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) And The Grouch went back on his part of the bargain as soon as the charges were dropped.

JOHNNY: Exactly. I did the follow up at the Court of Appeals Clerk’s Office. It seemed pretty obvious that The Grouch knew he had a losing hand. He didn’t even file all the required paperwork for the appeal. It looked like all he was doing was prolonging his victim’s annoyance.

BOB BAILEY: (Telephone Filter) I see. So how is the victim dealing with The Grouch’s continued harassment?

JOHNNY: Let’s just say that whatever patience he had is used up.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @BobBailey Wait till you see how the next case evolves.

MUSIC: Theme up and under

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next week? We’ll consider the Latin phrase murmur aries attigit. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next episode of Blognet. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

40 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. “Your Honor this man not only tricked me but he bamboozled and possibly even hoodwinked me into believing that there would be no legal action taken on the day in question he appeared in court! Your Honor I am outraged!! Outraged I tell you! He lied! He cheated! He has no honor, your Honor! The man is crazy, he is insane, he does things with your mind…. your mind! I demand justice! I demand satisfaction! I demand relief! I demand…uh..uh… equality! And uh… my Constitutional rights! Constitutional! Violated! He violated them! He violates the law! No law o rights! No rights no freedom! My rights were violated so he is trying to take my freedom! Freedom! Rights! Attica! Attica! Attica!” — Bill

    “Son, are you dumb or just plain stupid!” — Judge

  2. This was the first Atsign episode I ever read, as this was just about the time I got interested in the whole team kimberlin thing.

  3. I know what everybody loves Manic Bill so much, but I still prefer him when he’s convinced that we’re going to kill him. That’s much more amusing.

  4. William the Elder
    Because one thing judges LOVE is to ignore black letter law, have their rulings overturned, and be removed from the bench for incompetence.
    0 replies 0 retweets 0 favorites
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    8:27 PM – 12 Jan 2015

    Now William’s going to judges removed from the bench? That’s grandiose, even for him.

    Perhaps this a good time to have his meds adjusted. Again.

  5. Oddly, Schmalfeldt seems to want to deprive our gracious host of his day in court…the same thing he’s accusing everyone else of.

  6. “I am not a person given to making extortionate remarks.”

    – William M. Schmalfeldt; 12 January 2015


  7. Also, “If Hoge doesn’t drop everything in 24 hours, I will have him fined, declared a vexatious litigant, jailed and I will file one of ridiculous pauper suits that everyone will laugh at, and will survive exactly two days before Gail and Dr. Bombay tell me to shit down and shut up. I will listen because my Stage 4 Parkinsons makes it impossible to open the mayonnaise jar by myself.”

  8. I finally read his letter to the State’s Attorney. I love how he tries to offend the guy by pointing out that Hoge, rather than pestering the SA, went back to the court and took care of it himself. I tell ya, there is nothing a government employee hates more than somebody doing something that results in the government employee doing less work 😉

  9. For those of you who might not know, WAMU.ORG broadcasts old radio serials on Sunday nights. You can stream or tune in to FM 88.5. It was a blast to hear Johnny Dollar episodes this week. Looks like the line up may vary from week to week.

    Used to listen to these shows when I was a kid…

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