A Bit of Investigative Work …

… led me to take a look at the listings for the Cabin Boy’s™ books and CDs at Amazon. One of his books is called Troll Louse Kookies. As of this afternoon, it has a sales rank somewhere south of 5,000,000, implying (imputing for Team Kimberlin) that there have been essentially no sales for weeks. The About the Author blurb reads as follows:THKaboutNotice the initials at the end. They are not the Cabin Boy’s™. They belong to Eric Johnson. How did they get there? Only the seller has access to the About the Author portion of the page. Only Bill Schmalfeldt could have put those initial there. It appears that he has, in effect, forged Mr. Johnson’s initials.

The Cabin Boy™ has a history of forging documents. I would not be surprised to find that he is trying to pull a similar stunt against Mr. Johnson in order to manufacture evidence to support a false accusation against an “enemy.” Given the Cabin Boy’s™ recent fixation on Mr. Johnson, forgery by Schmalfeldt for the sake of causing trouble is a reasonable hypothesis.

UPDATE—I am informed that The Dreadful Pro-Se Schmalfeldt™ has tweeted an admission against interest confirming that he is the source of the bogus initials.

140 thoughts on “A Bit of Investigative Work …

  1. I would personally call it a surety that CBBS did that. Unless he’s decided to say that EPWJ hacked his Amazon account. Which I wouldn’t put past him as well…

  2. False accusations are bad enough. Manufacturing evidence in order to support one’s false accusations is beyond the pale. Per always… the Demented Freak is his own worst enemy.

    In short: Bill Schmalfeldt is pure evil.

  3. I just sent john this screen cap – Amazon themselves asked me to change to another ID but all the reviews and Parky Pundit Bills comments were kept as is


    The Parky Pundit says:


    [Customers don’t think this post adds to the discussion. Hide post again. (Show all unhelpful posts)]

    “Under review for Twitter comments?” What the heck does that even mean? The reader is advised that Eric Johnson has neither purchased, nor read the book, which is a retelling of the most ridiculous copyright infringement case ever heard in the state of Maryland. And if I may correct the viewer (SPOILER ALERT) I won that case. That’s the OPPOSITE of losing! As the author, I advise the reader to click the “EPWJ” link and see what other books of mine he’s reviewed. The man a a serial “troll reviewer” and nothing he writes should be taken seriously.

    And I got pages upon pages upon…………………….

  4. the right to remain silent?

    The Liberal Grouch @cbparodyrecords
    · 30m 30 minutes ago
    It is to laugh. FORGING INITIALS IN AN ‘About the Author” when one can write anything he wants. FAR worse than lying in a review!

    couldn’t ask for better material…

  5. It’s more acceptable than sending CPS to an innocent person’s house.

  6. I don’t think Bill’s appeal to pity is gaining much purchase. Even his “friends” aren’t interested.


    • If someone can’t handle receiving horse manure, then they are the most delicate pweshhhush flower evah! I would personally be outraged over an actual bag of flaming dog poo because that’s just nasty and toxic. Neatly packaged horse manure? That’s just bucolically funny.

  7. This seems to be the tweet in question:
    Again. Your NAME is XXXXXXXX. NOT “EPWJ.” Therefore, I did not file ANYTHING under your NAME. And that’s the least of your worries. — Bill Schmalfeldt (I put XXXX in place of a name which Schmalfeldt figures is EPWJ’s name.)

    Yes, so under the 4th grade rules of the internet, Bill did NOT file ANYTHING under EPWJ’s actual name, but under his online nickname. Which is kinda like running all over the internet acting like a jerk while calling yourself Bill Schmalfeldt. (Please don’t try that, because we have one guy already doing that.)

    • It’s the same crap he was trying to pull about how “Strammyham” couldn’t possibly be mistaken for “Stranahan” so why were people getting worked up about his little pieces of “satire” since they obviously weren’t about a real person. [/sarc]. At the same time Parvocampus is all about him so John better stop doing it.

      Freaking narcissist.

  8. You know what’s funny? I’m pretty sure the poop delivery is the WORST thing anyone has done to Bill Schmalfeldt since this dustup began. The worst actual, real life thing he can complain about is poop in the mail. Everything else boils down to good guys protecting their rights.

  9. so… another example of Team Kimberlin knowing how to fake evidence.

    You would think that a man this close to death’s door would clean up his act. Its like the old bumper sticker: “Jesus is coming, look busy.” Instead as he prepares to meet his maker, he is determined to erase every bit of good he has ever done in his life all for the love of Brett Kimberlin.

    My only explanation is that he must be something like the lead character in Breaking Bad, “Heisenburg.” (sp?) early on in the show, they note that he doesn’t believe in God, and i think that was key. He didn’t worry about God’s judgment so he was willing to do a great deal of evil in the world on his way out. Schmalfeldt does claim to believe in God, but I don’t believe him. I think like Cranston’s character, he is willing to do a great deal of evil on the way out, perhaps for pay.

  10. BS wants an apology? Ok, I have one: he once referred to the book of Revelations as The Apocalypse during his Mr. Apocalypse phase, and I called him on it. I was wrong, he was right. He was raised Catholic, and the book is referred to that way by Catholics. My apologies for the error and previous snide commentary,

  11. Oooooooh! A “doom clock” faux pas!

    Sorry Bill, you cannot have 2 doom clocks for the exact same purpose within 48 hours.

    Try again.

  12. And I have no inside information on this, but I’ll wager that John has has to deal with much worse that having fertilizer sent to him in a sealed tupperware container.

  13. So by CB logic, I could attribute any quote to him and he can do nothing because he isn’t the only “Bill Schmalfeldt” in the world. Both so wrong and such an opportunity…

  14. Interesting, Bill’s been tweeting about this incident for over a day now, and this is the first we hear about his wife vomiting.

    • And, the “horror” of the incident continues to escalate… along with his rabid-and-rapid tweet count, and his threats of DOOOOOM.

      Hell will befall ye Lickspittles — one and all! Woe be unto us!


      • No. But, heck. Maybe she does vomit every time she has to deal with one of his accidents/messes. If so, it makes BS’s hysteria and “story” of her puking this time even more suspect and ridiculous. But with that said, I would have to believe if she was prone to throwing-up after cleaning up after him — everyone (unfortunately) would have had the displeasure of hearing about it already. Mr. Open Book doesn’t quite have a history of holding back on the sharing front.

        Furthermore, who in their right mind opens up a plastic, storage container that clearly states “Horse Shit” on the outside of it? *smdh*

        Blob and his wife/caretaker should actually be grateful it only contained fertilizer. I cannot speak from personal experience, but I’d wager the genuine article could very well be gag inducing up-close-and-personal.

      • Having raised children and babysat, as well as taking riding lessons, I can state pretty unequivically that horse poop is much, much less nauseating than people poop. Herbivore vs. carnivore. Two weeks in the mail might change that equation, but I doubt by that much.

  15. Well Bill after doing some exhaustive online forensics research of blog posts, twitter, Amazon reviews and supply chain tracking…. and doing an analysis of the hand writing samples and postal marks…… I have determined the identity of who sent you a 1quart tub of horse manure in the mail:

    Brett Kimberlin and Neal Rauhauser

    Good luck…. and may the odds be ever in your favor!

  16. No Bill, someone in freaking SLOVENIA mailed it to you. So your beef is with them. Good luck with that.

    As for “the law” being on your side, I’ll quote one of your own experts:

    Robert David Richman
    Robert Richman
    Federal Crime Lawyer – Minneapolis, MN
    Contributor Level 17
    It is unlikely any prosecutor, state or federal, would agree to prosecute this case even if there were laws broken. The courts are full of rapes, murders, burglaries, and other serious offenses. No prosecutor will choose to use the scarce resources of the court to get involved in your private dispute

    • SInce I think it is a distinct possibility that someone on Team Kimberlin sent the package, I have no interest in “protecting whoever did it.”

      • Projection much Billy? You defend your actions that have been much, much worse than a small prank. Calling CPS on people? Accusing them of prostituting their wife and children? Filing vexatious lawsuits and protective orders? Calling people c*nts and tw*ts on a regular basis? You would have to receive a metric ton of horse manure to even begin to even the score.

        Just go to sleep already little boy. It’s time for nighty-night because you’re going to give yourself an aneurysm trying to get the apology YOU DON”T DESERVE.

  17. “Render therefore unto Schmalfeldt that which is Schmalfeldt’s”

  18. Bill, protip: I you are going to regale us with stories about adult diapers, bowel movements and “accidents”, don’t expect us to get the vapors over a closed tupperware container with pony poop.

  19. So confusing, no? First, BS tells WJJH to keep his nose out of this, in vulgar terms, then he claims WJJH doesn’t want to discuss it, even though he has posted three entries about it.

    • If it turns out that it was a member of Team Kimberlin that sent Bill Schmalfeldt the horseshit, will Bill continue to refer to him as a “cowardly cocksucker?”

  20. The Liberal Grouch @cbparodyrecords · 22m 22 minutes ago
    One of YOU cowardly c***suckers PAID the company to send me the horse shit. One of you PAID for this.

    So all of your investigators are going after someone in Slovenia. If any laws were broken, they’re the ones who broke them.

  21. And, we have entered the “poor me, I’m dying, but I forgive all ye sinners (but you’re still burning in Hell!)” phase:

    “But something tells me I’m not going to have time to see it through. I generally never try to start something I can’t finish. Therefore,

    As my final gift to you, “the other cheek.” May God lead you back to him because your anger and hatred have taken you far away.”

    Geez, Bill, grow a pair. And stop being such a flaming drama queen!

  22. Number of times Bill has tweeted the F bomb in the last 4 days: 40

  23. How much crap can a horse crap?

    About 15 ST (Schmalfeldt-Tupperwares). (I hereby nominate this to the SI weights and standards committee as the basic unit of crap measurement.

  24. As I said on the other thread:

    But given the s**t Bill deals out on a regular basis online, attacking and harassing people he does not know, he should probably count himself lucky that that is all that happened. I’ve been warning him for months now that some day he’s going to go after the wrong person. One could hope that he’d learn something from this, but sadly, we all know he won’t.

    And if he’s already made a police report, can he really drop the whole thing that easily?

    • The police report is going no where and he knows it. Hence his offer. Like one of the lawyers he asked for advice noted, law enforcement will not waste resources on a one-off like this, with the only chance being if the offender being clearly known (and even then, probably not much would happen).

  25. Um, is he talking about himself? I get so confused.

    “But you don’t fight fair. You throw a handful of shit and then whine like kittens when it gets thrown back at you. You’re no fun.”

  26. THIS.

    Its bad enough that he’s been ranting about it for two days, but he keeps showing the picture over and over again!!!! Its like stubbing your toe, getting mad at the coffee table, and kicking it over and over to show how angry you are. Reminds me of an old joke about a randy bear where the punchline is “you ain’t in this for the huntin’, are you?”

  27. What has been seen can’t be unseen….

    I’m totes suing that fatass bastard for retinal damage (Schmalswanz twitter pic).

    • “… but i haven’t lied to you yet.”

      Lying ass.

      And, Blob can safely rest assured that is precisely how he will be remembered — forever and ever and ever and ever…


  28. Oh my goodness… been laughing sooooo much all weekend over this, and the comments y’all have posted… didn’t think I had any more laughing in me. Then I saw this:

    LOL LOL LOL Seriously! LOL LOL LOL Does anyone have even the faintestt glimmer of belief there was ever a chance that was not his life plan/goal? hahahaha You know for the rest of his days that will be his ongoing and final failure! hahahaha

    • Laughing so much here I forgot to mention that we all saw the card he posted which contained what appeared to be a case number, as well as his tweets about having LE visit and filing a report/complaint. Yeah, after he files a complaint, if someone (falsely) admits to doing what he likely did all by his (ever so constantly) lonesome, he’ll wave his magic wand and make it go away, all-powerful troll that he is… hahahahahaha

      How can anyone be that stupid and still manage to actually type out dozens (maybe hundreds!) of tweets every day. hahahahaha

  29. OH MY! I should have kept reading… we got yet another tearful goodbye rant. So, where does the pool stand now? Has anyone taken Friday yet? hahahaha

  30. If we are all apologizing to him, let me add mine. i once thought he had a shred of human decency. I was wrong. I apologize.

    I also thought for a split second he was an honest seeker of truth, or at least might be. It was like June, 2012. I apologize.

    I also thought he could be lifted by an industrial elevator. I was wrong, he is too heavy. I apologize.

    • Whenever I feel that we piled on him too much, then I remember the stuff he said about your wife and that he is still harassing Mrs Stranahan over the death of her daughter and am going to constantly remind the courts of it soon

    • i’m sure there are multiple captures of his entire TL including all his disgusting lies and insults that can be provided to Vanderbilt.

      • yeah but its disappearance is both suspicious, fortuitous, and interesting because he may have forged a police document – that handwriting on that police card looks very suspicious and why the greyed out email address when the phone number and the case number are there?

        They also would have been told to come down and file an official complaint under oath

    • I’m reasonably certain that at least one alumnus has backed up a great deal of his web droppings.

      Also, the Cabin Boy™ hasn’t taken down anything from iTunes or Amazon. Yet.

  31. Interestingly enough, Cabin Boy started the new twitter account on Thursday. Looks like he was planning on disappearing.


  32. I have the audio of his phone call to me when the container arrived – this was before all his tweets of threats he was joyful and giddy – not the honor of my wife fueled rage – which I am thinking even more that this was all planned by him – if LE investigates it will be turned over to them immediately

    When its played in court he will be thoroughly discredited, I cannot imagine him reconciling that giddy gleeful tone to a judge and a jury or a DA or a US attorney or the high magistrate of the Imperial Amazon Justice League and bus pass office…

  33. EPWJ wrote: “yeah but its disappearance is both suspicious, fortuitous, and interesting because he may have forged a police document – that handwriting on that police card looks very suspicious and why the greyed out email address when the phone number and the case number are there?

    They also would have been told to come down and file an official complaint under oath”

    Forgery? Forgery? Say it ain’t so. /sarc

    Blob also greyed-out the Officer’s name who supposedly took his complaint. *hmm* It would be very, very interesting to get a look-see at that police report (if one exists, of course).


  34. I am put in mind of the lyrics to Baba O’Reilly by the Who (slightly paraphrased for comedic effect):
    It’s only Schmalfeldt wasteland;
    It’s only Schmalfeldt wasteland;
    It’s only Schmalfeldt wasteland;
    It’s only Schmalfeldt wasteland; it’s wasted!
    although I like it better in the German version on EMI records … sounds very snarl-y and guttural.

    • Darn tetchy mouse!
      Es ist nur Schmalfeldt Ödland;
      Es ist nur Schmalfeldt Ödland;
      Es ist nur Schmalfeldt Ödland;
      Es ist nur Schmalfeldt Ödland; es verschwendet!

  35. I notice he just “squished a troll” for the unpardonable sin of actually retweeting one of his tweets. Now what kind of sane person considers a retweet a troll? Bill’s kind of person. Unbalanced, unloved, unsmart.

  36. Figures that the Elkridge Horror went to an offshore producer when he could have bought American Made.

    In honor of Black Friday the makers of Cards Against Humanity, an irreverent “Mad Libs”-style card game, have taken all items off their online store and replaced them with “BS.” Yes, literal bovine excrement.

    The company sent subscribers an email with the headline, “here comes poop,” to announce the sale. The product, which comes in a custom box, is being marketed as a fertilizer or a way to “surprise a loved one with the gift of poop.”

  37. Cabin Boy’s immense volume of faux outrage would only encourage a repeat shipment of even more ….if someone other than Cabin Boy himself had shipped it.

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