While the investigative crew is out on a special assignment, Hogewash! is featuring reruns of older episodes.
SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)
JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
SOUND: (MUTED CROWD NOISE IN BACKGROUND. LARGE ROOM REVERB.)
JOHN: I had been sitting with one of my lawyers in the lobby of the Historic Courthouse in Westminster waiting for a hearing related to The Grouch when The Bomber walked over and handed me a large, fat envelope.
ZOA: Do you know what it is?
JOHN: I can guess, but let me look.
SOUND: PAPER SHUFFLING.
JOHN: Well, well, well … An amended complaint, and … look at that! He didn’t bother to fix one of the errors we cite in our motion to dismiss.
And … a federal suit? There must be 20 defendants … RICO? … Aaron’s right. He’s losing it.
SOUND: BACKGROUND OUT. PHONE RINGING, CALLER’S POV.
AARON: (TELEPHONE FILTER) Hello.
JOHN: The Bomber’s suing us …
AARON: (TELEPHONE FILTER) Yeah, I know …
JOHN: … in federal court.
AARON: (TELEPHONE FILTER) What?!?
JOHN: Yep. The suit has got pretty much the same sort of defamation and mopery with intent to lurk allegations.
AARON: (TELEPHONE FILTER) OK, it makes some sense that he would try to sue in federal court. The thing about a perjurer not being able to testify doesn’t apply there. But with you in the case, there’s no diversity, and he doesn’t have a federal cause of action.
AARON: (TELEPHONE FILTER) What?!?
JOHN: RICO. And the Civil Rights Act from the 1860’s. And the Ku Klux Klan Act.
AARON: (TELEPHONE FILTER) He’s claiming that five us are a RICO mafia?
JOHN: No, he’s claiming that all 20 or so of us are. He’s added defendants. Look, let me get this scanned, and I’ll email you a copy. Oh, and he’s also amended the state suit as well.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
MY LAWYER: I looked over the amended complaint. He did add some more material, but he didn’t properly address the points we made in the motion to dismiss.
MY LAWYER: Meaning that I’ll file another motion to dismiss pointing out that he’s still failing to state a claim upon which relief can be granted.
JOHN: And then?
MY LAWYER: There’s a scheduling hearing on the day before Thanksgiving. It’s unlikely that the judge would take up our motions at that hearing, but it will give me a chance to see how The Bomber behaves in front of a judge. Also, if will give me a chance to point out that The Bomber isn’t filing timely response to our motions. He isn’t serving proper copies of his filings on me either.
ANNOUNCER: Say, when’s the last time you stopped by The Hogewash Store? If you haven’t been by for a while, you should check out the new items—Collateral Estoppel stuff have been recently added to all the Team Lickspittle, Res Judicata, Johnny Atsign and The Grand Hog stuff—and then proceed to checkout to spend some of your hard earned money in support of Team Lickspittle. Or you can hit the Tip Jar.
And now back to our story.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
JUDGE: OK, looking at the schedule, your list of expert witnesses is due next Monday.
THE BOMBER: Your Honor, I’ll need more time, at least until next February.
THE BOMBER: I haven’t been able to identify the anonymous blogger Bomber Unmasked.
THE BOMBER: The information Google gave me was insufficient. I need to do more discovery.
JUDGE: No, you need to get your late paperwork in, and you need to properly serve the other side’s attorneys.
THE BOMBER: But I’m entitled to discovery about …
JUDGE: Not yet. You haven’t met met the threshold.
THE BOMBER: But …
JUDGE: This isn’t the first case I’ve handled.
THE BOMBER: But …
JUDGE: Look, you’re seeing the nice side of me. It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and I don’t want to change. OK? I’ll give you 14 more days on your list of experts. That’s until the 16th. I’ll give until a week from Friday to get your answers to the defendant’s motions filed. That means signed copies to their counsels by 4 pm on the 6th and to the Clerk before 6 pm.
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) The Bomber’s two lawsuit will soon begin to intersect and interact—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
I can’t shake the feeling that he is being given just enough rope with which to hang himself.