Since I’ve been reviewing the history of The Dread Pro-Se Kimberlin’s vexatious Kimberlin v. The Universe, et al. RICO Madness in the Team Kimberlin Post of the Day, I thought it would be useful to take a look at the first Blogsmoke episode.

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Team Kimberlin Post of the Day

Originally Posted on 18 November, 2013

*snort* *giggle*

Xenophon (the Troll) makes a lame attempt at ironic humor over at Breitbart Unmasked with a post (No, I won’t link to it) trying to cast me as the Internet Sheriff of Twitter Town. It has a sort of Blogsmoke theme.

Here’s how we would have done it back when I was working in radio—

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SOUND: HORSE MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Dodge City Twitter Town and in the territory out west of the net—there’s just one way to handle the killers harassers and the spoilers stalkers—and that’s with a U.S. Marshall an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “GUNSMOKE” “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “GUNSMOKE” “BLOGSMOKE” starring William Conrad W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the violence trolling that moved west with young America into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved with against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

MATT JOHN: I’m that man, Matt Dillon, United States Marshall John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

SOUND: HOUSEHOLD BACKGROUND NOISE—PHONE RINGS OFF MIKE

WILL: (OFF MIKE) Dad! Telephone.

JOHN: I’ll get it in here.

SOUND: PHONE PICKED UP

JOHN: Hello?

LEE: (FILTERED) John, It’s Lee.

JOHN: Hey, Lee.

LEE: (FILTERED) I’m flying into BWI tomorrow evening to file charges against the Grouch. Can you give me a ride from the airport to the courthouse.

JOHN: Sure. When do you get in?

LEE: (FILTERED) Just after six.

JOHN: That works. BWI is on my way home from work. There’s a great place for crab cakes between the airport and where the District Court Commissioner’s night office is located. We’ll grab dinner on the way. Send me an email with the flight info.

LEE: (FILTERED) Thanks, John.

SOUND: PHONE HANGS UP—HOUSEHOLD BACKGROUND FADES

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

SOUND: CAR ROLLING TO A STOP

PARKING GIRL: Three Dollars.

JOHN: Here you go.

PARKING GIRL: Need a receipt?

JOHN: No thanks.

SOUND: CAR ACCELERATES—ROAD NOISE SUSTAINS IN BACKGROUND

JOHN: So how do your wife and kids feel about this?

LEE: They’re tired of it. After a while, it became obvious that he wasn’t going to stop.

JOHN: Yeah.

LEE: I can put up with a lot, but when he suggested that my wife be raped while I was away covering the convention …

JOHN: Uh, huh.

LEE: As if that weren’t enough … going on and on about the child we lost in childbirth … And saying that I was pimping my wife and daughter.

JOHN: Yeah. He’s scum. By the way, you see that trailer park on the right.

LEE: Yes.

JOHN: He’s in Number 71.

SOUND: ROAD NOISE FADES

ANNOUNCER: There’s a nip in the air these days as autumn moves toward winter. One good way to fight the chill is a Team Lickspittle sweatshirt or hoodie. Why not get yours today? Team Lickspittle sweatshirts and hoodies are just some of the trinkets you can waste your hard-earned cash on, stuff exclusively available at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.

And now, back to our story.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

COMMISSIONER: Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that statements contained herein are true to the best of your knowledge and belief.

LEE: I do.

COMMISSIONER: Sign and date all the pages please.

LEE: OK.

SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING

LEE: There.

COMMISSIONER: Thank you.

SOUND: FORMS BEING SEPARATED—STAPLER

COMMISSIONER: Here are your copies. Have a good evening.

LEE: Thanks. Good night.

JOHN: Well, that’s that. Let’s go.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES—FOOTSTEPS ACROSS PARKING LOT—TWO CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE—CAR STARTS INTERIOR POV

JOHN: You can crash on our couch tonight.

LEE: Thanks, John.

JOHN: No problem. We’ll see how Howard County deals with this.

SOUND: CAR ACCELERATES AND ROAD NOISE FADES

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) You know, cyberstalkers like the Grouch do real harm. Over the next week, he began to expand his attacks on bloggers—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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Amateurs. Pfft.

Stay tuned for Episode 2.

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There have been 25 episodes of Blogsmoke so far. There are still a few more to go.

Oh, one more thing … The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.”