BlognetTitleCardMUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A serial bomber has been ordered to pay restitution to a surviving victim, but he is engaging in financial maneuvers to hide his assets. Your job … get the facts.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

FRIDAY: It was Tuesday, April 29th. It was drizzling in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 12:49 pm when we returned to Room S-140. Internet Detail.

SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room.

SMITH: So what do you think, Joe?

FRIDAY: It’s still just a rumor.

SOUND: Chairs pulled out.

FRIDAY: On the other hand, it makes sense. The first Macs were all-in-ones.

SMITH: Yeah, now that Jobs is back with the company, they’ll be doing something big.

FRIDAY: We’ll see. Maybe they’ll announce something at the Developers Conference later this spring.

SOUND: Computer boot tone.

FRIDAY: Meanwhile, we’ve got work to do.

SOUND: Typing on keyboard.

FRIDAY: Hmmm. More emails.

SMITH: Whatcha got?

FRIDAY: Do you remember that Timberland case?

SMITH: What? The bomber who claimed he was a politician’s dope dealer? Didn’t they let him out of prison?

FRIDAY: It looks like they’re trying to send him back. He got called in for an interview with his Probation Officer.


FRIDAY: Yeah, it seems that he’s not been making restitution payments to one of his bombing victims. That’s been made one of the terms of his parole. Apparently, he has had substantial assets such as an inheritance and some sort of book royalties since he got out, but he hasn’t paid anything to his victim.

SMITH: He should have at least made some sort of token payments.

FRIDAY: Perhaps he thinks that “Get Out Of Jail Free” cards work in the real world.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: We kept watching the Timberland case.

Friday, May 2nd.

The Parole Commission found probable cause that Timberland had violated his parole and ordered a revocation hearing.

Friday, May 16th.

SMITH: Hey, Joe. This just popped up. Timberland has filed paperwork agreeing to the terms of the Bankruptcy petition his sister has filed against him. He’s trying to find another way to shield his assets.

FRIDAY: How many scams does that make for this guy?

SMITH: Well, there’s the mortgage application. He claimed that he had no outstanding judgments against him when he filed it, and the 1.6 million dollar judgment to his bombing victim has been confirmed.

There’s the assignment of several hundred thousand in book royalties to a corporation that he controls. He’s trying to claim that the money isn’t his.

There’s his partnership interest in that import/export business.

There’s …

FRIDAY: I get the picture.

Tuesday, June 3rd.

SMITH: Hey, Joe, the Timberland parole revocation hearing was yesterday. It doesn’t look like it went well for him.

FRIDAY: That so?

SMITH: Yeah, he claimed he had tried to settle with his victim by offering her a bit less than two cents on the dollar. The hearing examiner didn’t buy that as a good-faith effort.

FRIDAY: That’s not surprising

Monday, June 30.

SMITH: Joe, the report is in from the Parole Commission. They adopted the hearing examiner’s finding last Friday and are revoking Timberland’s parole for two years.

FRIDAY: Uh, huh. They’ll lock him back up eventually, but he’ll drag things out. Remember how the hearing examiner pointed out that Timberland was uncooperative in every way. It’ll be months before he’s back in the slammer.

MUSIC: Up and under.

NARRATOR: On November 10th, Timberland filed a habeas corpus petition with the U. S. District Court. On the following June 30th the court ruled in that matter. In a moment the results of that ruling.

MUSIC: Stinger.

PINKY: Look, Brain … the boss has got a lot more stuff than mousepads for sale at The Hogewash Store.

ANNOUNCER: That’s right, Pinky. There’s a lot of neat stuff to spend your money on at The Hogewash Store. There are shirts, and bags, and drinkware, and all sorts of other interesting items. Loyal members of Team Likckspittle can show their support by shopping today. And did you know that there’s another way as well? Feel free to hit the Tip Jar.

NARRATOR: On June 30th, the U. S. District Court found that the Parole Commission had acted properly and denied Timberland habeas corpus petition. Although originally returned for two year, Timberland served almost four years before being reparoled.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

11 thoughts on “Blognet

  1. NARRATOR: Although originally returned for two year, Timberland served almost four years before being reparoled.

    Any specifics as to why? Did it take a bit of extra time to get “yet another” Sooper Sekrit exoneration? Heh.

  2. Reblogged this on Truth Before Dishonor and commented:
    Hogewash’s Blognet should be a must-read for anyone who remembers Dragnet and anyone who knows who the work of fiction is about. Except wicked fictional people don’t file “over 100” frivolous lawsuits to intimidate people from exercising their First Amendment.

    • Rereading that opinion, I literally loist count of the many times that the court recited new and unique perjuries that Kimberlin told in that proceeding.

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